2013...unlucky?

I'm having a hard time deciding how I feel right now.

And when I say, "feel" I mean how my emotions are affecting my outward display to other people. I've been very sporadic, bipolar with my moods, one could say. One moment I'm incredibly happy because I'm with him, and the next I've fallen on my face in depression, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere.

This depression, as I've mentioned before in earlier posts, really doesn't have a root. It's just a buildup of things that have bothered me over time, and even though I've talked about them with other people, or I've solved them somewhere along the road, they still affect me like I've never felt before.

I feel that it's reared its ugly head recently because of the incidents from the past few weeks. Not to sound like I'm trying to beat other people's crappy lives with my own, but it's the worst that's happened to me ever.

For one thing, there have been two suicides within the past two weeks. One was a girl in American Fork that I honestly didn't know. I barely knew of the incident, thanks to Alex who sits across from me at my chemistry table. The other was a boy named Josh Garlick. I knew him. We had German together for two years. Dean always called him Bieber because of how he wore his hair. He seemed like he had a lot of friends, though I was never one to call him a friend because I didn't talk to him very much. Though I didn't know him, personally, I'm still having issues with this suicide, because I just don't know why he would do it. In my mind, all I can see over and over is the image of him committing the suicide, and I can't stop it. I don't know why. It's really hard to see all those affected at the school too. I have a problem with seeing my friends in pain for something that's happened. Katie has taken it pretty hard and it rips me up inside. I just don't know what to say to her...

Also, within the same two weeks, a murder was committed in American Fork as well. This one is closer to me, more touchy, because it was my boyfriend's nephew that was shot at five months old by his father. For a week Payden has been depressed. He still is, I suppose, but he doesn't let his friends see it. I can see it, sometimes. He has had so many bad things happen to him, and seeing this affect him has been the number one contributor to my feelings of sadness and hardship. Upon meeting more of his family at the funeral, I've begun to feel a real connection, and then it really is hard.

The Boston Marathon bombing is a given. That's just crappy all over. And to think my Almond almost went there to run a marathon...her life could have been so endangered...

My Grandpa More (Great Grandfather) is in the hospital, on his deathbed pretty much. I fear there's going to be another funeral to go to soon. I'm trying not to think too much in depth what this means. He was old, time for him to go, but still. He was my favorite grandfather. I sat on his lap whenever i could when I was a little girl. I loved him a lot. But the older I got, the older he got, we soon lost a connection we shared earlier, and all I saw in him was a suffering and forgetful old man who couldn't hear half of what I said. I hardly knew what to talk to him about anymore.

But he's still dying.

There are other stressing family problems going on too. Adoption crap is trying to be arranged, my mom's parents are taking in one of their grandparents, and it's all a big mess. I'm sure family gatherings are going to be a little rueful and difficult from now on.

Rachel's going on a mission soon. For a year and a half. I mean, it's not super long, but it's long, and I'm going to miss her so much!

And honestly, this isn't even that bad. Not really. Not compared to other people's lives. Payden's is far worse than mine, and it's so sad to think about...

I went fourwheeling for the first time on Sunday. So that is a major plus. I mean, who could say their lives have been bad after fourwheeling with her boyfriend's family, AND being liked by them? Pretty good. I don't know what my problem is.

Whatever. I'm done typing now. So...goodnight.

That's what I call an awkward goodbye. It's not even nighttime.

And without it, we Perish, and with it, we suffer

There is a coldness that engulfs the world; one just as equally hollow and purposeless as my unequivocal silence. One asks not where it leads to, but how to find it so that they may follow in its suit. And though it may seem like a burden in the end, the result is free and perfect and happy. There are words that are not to be spoken, words only a child with a judgment so rudimentary and naive would utter to another. Though there are indeed ideas to be spread and thoughts to me narrated, even the slightest of mistakes could carry one far into the outer reaches of disappearance.

Silence. Oft times, it is necessary.

And there are people who abuse it, and there are people who ignore it.

And I carry no fondness for either.

Draw Something...anything...maybe my lack of thought.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was unaccustomed to the motion of relationships and what's to be expected from them. So she went on Stumbleupon.com last night and looked at dating tips.

Oh the embarrassment. Oh the shame.

I found out quickly, actually, that I've done everything they said to do and only subconsciously. Just goes to show how awesome and instinctive we are as humans.

Enough about that. I'm already sick to my stomach with the thought of typing more mushy gushy crap about my love life here. (And I've only done it at least twice!)

No, see, I come here today to write about a more important topic. A topic of which has yet to come to mind. As you can see, I'm really just ranting right now.

Okay, actually, I have nothing to write about.

Nothing.

NOOOOTTTTTHHHHIINNNGGG.


I wonder how many people read my blog? I don't normally bother with asking that question, but sometimes I get this curious streak in me and it about kills me with worry. (You see, the wrong person could read these words, and then my life would be over.)

You know what's fantastic? That Draw Something game. I LOVE IT!!!

I can't concentrate on anything because of him

It's hard to put into words; that tightening of emotion you can feel deep inside your stomach.

I mistook it for nausea.

But now I realize it only happens when I see him.

I can't say I'm in love, but I know I'm getting there. My last post explained my doubts about a future with him, and oh how wrong I was.

I make him happy. He told me so himself. The happiest he has ever been, and I made it that way. My presence helps him to fight his insomnia. We kiss, we hold each other. He makes me happy! There are moments when I'm driving home alone and I picture his silly expressions and a smile so big stretches across my face.

I like to listen to his heart beat. It means he's alive and healthy and real, and that I'm not dreaming this. When I hear his heart thump in his chest beauty only comes to mind.

It's soppy and gushy, I know, but that stems from my love for the human body and how beautiful I find the human heart to be. And the fact that I have his heart all to myself excites me.

His lips are very soft. He uses Burt's Bees chapstick, and I can smell the fresh peppermint when he kisses my forehead. Sometimes my lips share the fresh tingling the chapstick offers.

I need to stop this.

Because now I miss him even more. Obviously. I wouldn't be writing a sappy blog post about my love life if I were to currently be with him. How silly of me would that be?

Yes, okay? I like him. There.

We all deny a truth in our lives. Everyone. I can't make a list of truths we deny, because there are so many, but I can tell you what I've been denying.

Relationships and a chance to connect with another person is obviously very crucial to growing up, since you can't avoid it no matter where you turn. There will always be someone who suddenly notices you and for a long time, they're the only person you can even focus on.

It doesn't matter if it goes somewhere.

It doesn't matter if it goes wrong.

What matters is that you got close enough to get a taste, and that's how I'm feeling right now.

Because I doubt we'll ever eventually go out. We're just friends. And I think he trusts me more than his self-acclaimed best friend. He said it himself that I was a relief from the stereotypical girl, and that I was so much easier to talk to. I've become his confidant! And only within three days.

Three days.

A long Friday night with Teekaa, a short trip to the mall Saturday night, and a long Sunday of American Horror Story. All virtually with him. All with him.

Yes, I really like him. A lot.

Life. Whatcha gonna do about it?

The world revolves around the sun.

What a sun. I could only imagine the narcissism that comes with such a responsibility.

You know, if those cheerleaders in my pre-calculus class think they're the center of everyone's lives, then they don't know what they're thinking if they ever have a chance to be a big burning ball of hot gas.

There are many people in this world who bug me, but I learn to deal with it. I'm incredibly sweet and nice to people at work, and I figure if I become a Wolverine Embassador, then I'll be able to get leadership recognition for Medical School and experience working with many kinds of people. All I have to do is learn how to deal with those stupid people, and the first step is to accept the ditsy cheerleaders with their heavy mascara and leggings-for-pants.

Oh, may I interject?

LEGGINGS ARE NOT FREAKING PANTS!

I can see more of your freaking ass than I've ever wanted to see! EVER.

Anyway.

I went to a UVyou days event at the university for the Science department. I really enjoy science. Mostly biology and anatomy and stuff. Of course, I am majoring in Art, so...

I got a lot of free stuff there tonight. Like a T-shirt with an ECG graph on it. It's pretty sweet. And I won an electric toothbrush through a drawing from the dental hygiene department. Also pretty cool. There was this guy who's been graduated from high school for a year or two, and he was totally hitting on all the girls tonight.

Well, that, or just being his weird, socially flirtatious self.

I can only go once to this thing...but even so, I hope there's the slightest chance I could win that $200 book scholarship, since I plan on going to UVU after I graduate.

Ugh. That's not for another year and a half! I'm so ready to go to college!

I know, I'm super bipolar when it comes to the grow up and don't grow up situation. I want it to be both ways, which inexplicably means this wish is never coming true.

I'll survive. Like I do. Every day.

You know what bugs me the most?  Relationships. People at high school think they can't survive without someone to cling to like scared little puppies. And don't get me on the whole "I need sex" thing. It's pointless, not an excuse for your irrational behavior, and completely stupid until you're positive of the person you want to have sex with.

I mean, seriously.

I hate that I keep obsessing over what a guy might think about me, even though I don't want a relationship at this time, and I sure as hell don't WANT to care about what others might think of me because of this decision I have made. Oh how confusing my logic is. I apologize.

But really.

Relationships are stupid. I only like novel romances or movies or stuff. Not real life. It's stupid. Gross, even.

And the dirty sex jokes. I'm sick of them! My friends all have to crack at least ten of them every day. Why? Where does this get you in life? WHY?! Why do it? Who are you trying to impress? Or scare away, for that matter...

And everyone is being really dramatic. Bray won't talk to us because Kaeli and Tyler got mad at him for choosing other friends over us.

To be quite frank with you, I don't blame Brayden for finding new friends. I toy with that idea every day, except for the part where there are no other friends I'm willing to hang out with since they're all scary molly mormons or freaky drug-induced bums.

Eh.

Life. Whatcha gonna do about it?

The teacher with eyes like a dead fish's needs to die

I feel as though I should give you an update about the Christmas holidays, since I haven't written anything in a long while.

It was shit.

I got a blanket, a murder mystery dinner party hosted by Almond, and...ope. That's it.

I get to pay for my own cell phone.
My parents still owe me $200.
It's January all over again and school is being a jackass to me.

You know how I wrote that hate post about Christmas? Either Karma wanted to make my negativity come true, or I was right not to expect anything.


Have you ever felt so infinitely superior to the peers around you, yet so insatiably small? Almost as though you could be floating on a cloud of awesomeness while all the little teenagers crawl about your feet, begging to be granted the same glory you pertain while at the same time being equal in size and completely alone?

Well, sometimes, I do.

The feeling is more so the idea that I'm separated on an island, thousands of miles away, yet still able to see them, while I look to my future. Let me try again. There's a red line dividing me and the rest of American Fork High, and while they all look at one another or to the short future, I'm looking away, and towards the long term future.

I feel this every time I feel like I'm making progress in life. I've decided what my senior year will be like. I'm going to a UVU college day opportunity to research my options. I'm being proactive about it, optimistic as humanly possible.

But every story has its antagonist.

I've been so busy looking towards my future that I stopped looking at the present. It's the end of the semester and my lowest current grade is a D+.

Oh sweet Jesus, I never done any harm to people to deserve this!

I've done other things, like guiltlessly wished a death fifty times to one specific girl in my U.S. History class. But that's a discussion for a later time.

Did I ever tell you about Mr. Lind's English Honors 11 class and his point system for grading? I'm not quite sure I did, and if I did, I'll make the rant quick. Basically, he thinks he can put 100,000 points into our grades on Skyward. (Which can't be done, so he substitutes with 999 points 10 times.) And that's per term.

So here I am, earning my lovely project points and doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to reach 100,000 points this term two, and Mr. Hot-Shot-dead-fish-guy Lind comes around and says, "Hey, I can only give you 30,000 points of project writings. The rest has to be the assignments I gave you that I'm just now saying are required. Hah. Sorry." So now he's only given me 61,000 points when I earned 98,000. Why haven't I gone to get it up?

Sort of impossible, considering he chose this very week, the week right before the semester ends, when all work has to be graded and in on Monday night at midnight, to go indulge himself in sunshine, coconuts, geckos on the ceiling, and pretty sunsets in Hawaii. Our only resource is to email him. He said that while he was gone, he would check our emails. I've sent him two emails. One of which angrily states that I didn't like his point system and that I'm not happy he chose to go to Hawaii this week. And my grade still hasn't been changed.

I wish upon him the curse of eating too much fat food at Hawaii and getting extremely fat so that he will be very depressed and quit his job and leave us with a better teacher. That, or kill himself. Which ever one works best.

That was a shameless wish I'm never taking back.

I write some pretty mean, contradicting things on here. Controversial, in fact. I'm warning you guys right now, the minute I have to sign up for something that will change my life for the better, and those people go about the internet searching for things I've done or said, this blog will be deleted. Heh. It has very rude things. Bad words. Irrefutable loathing of dish-washing.  Insufferable damage to the hearts of the intended people I mean to offend. Things like that.

I also want to take the time to be angry at my financial literature teacher, Mr. Spencer.

Okay, so I don't take notes during class, and anything businessy and mathematical he drones through his mouth goes right over my head, but that doesn't mean that I don't know my stuff!

Well I don't. But that's beside the point. Half of the semester final he gave us today was about insurance. Insurance that he didn't teach us AT ALL this year. Things that were from first term that we've all forgotten were on there too. I probably failed that test epically, and I'm pissed about it.

And to wrap up everything I've just barfed out to you, this inability to have A's this term is the antagonist to gaining a reputation on my transcript for future colleges. Frankly, I'm stressed and angry, and very glad the semester is changing in two days. I'm tired of Journalism and Financial literature, and I'm waiting for the counselors to not be booked so I can talk to one of them about my teachers.

Ahhh. You see? I'm so angry that my normal stylistic and beautiful writing is jarred and cluttered today, and might as well be a slur of text that no one will read anyway.

Worst of all.

My friends are moody as shit, my favorite and most memorable great grandpa more is in the hospital sick with pneumonia, Rachel's going on a mission in less than a year, and I'm nowhere close to financially ready to be a grown up going to college...

Thus begins another wave of impending depression that crushes my chest and leaves me unable to breathe.