Undecided

It's hard to express feelings in writing, especially in the heat of the moment. When your head is reeling, trying to tell you to be logical about your decisions, your heart is wanting something completely different. Everyone thinks that a security in one another for an extended amount of time is the best way to go, never mind the heartache and destruction of emotions if all goes badly. I know I should stop where I'm at and change my directive. Look at what happened the last time! I ended up with a butchered taste for love. I blatantly said I wanted no part of this, and even so, it came out meaningless. Will history repeat itself as it always does? As it so cleverly did previously? Will my desire overpower my mind for peace, or will I speak heavily and truthfully, and carry out that promise?

I still grieve for the moments spent and lost with him. When I feel that I am close to forgetting, I find that I have not forgiven. As much of an insensitive boy as he was, or how much of a tool is he now, he had moments that became the reason that I still thought to carry on. And now, when I smell a certain fragrance, or I see his face in my mind; when I hear his name, I feel as though I might crumble. There's no going back, but sometimes I feel like there's no going forward. I have bigger and better dreams to attend to, so these feelings are petty and dramatic, but they only worsen now because of Kaden...because he has to appear and be nice and kind and nerdy, and because I'm considering all that I went through again for him. I only ask, will it be worth it? Will I be the reaper of the relationship and break his heart as mine was broken? Or will I give in and risk my emotions for another teenage boy?

Summer fun

I was reading over past blog posts, giggling about my younger stupidities in writing what I did, and wondering what on earth I had been thinking when I complained over and over that my life was one big repetitive mess.

Actually, false. It was true that my life was boring and routinely. No question about it, because work and school only left so much time for anything else.

See, this is why I love summer so much! I have so much more time to do anything I want to! Though I have to struggle to keep the spending at a minimum, I've already done so many things in one month than I might have done in a whole semester! Hiking, bowling, swimming, Lagoon, chalk art, discovering a new piece to my future, making a new friend, Cartoon conventions, Warped tour and other concerts, taking in a homeless teenager, riding frontrunner, etc. I mean, seriously! I've been everywhere! My poor Edgar can't take it anymore, I swear. He has so many miles on him...

The best part about summer, however, is the tank tops and the shorts and the warmth. I don't have to go outside worrying about how cold it's going to be. Only how hot it will be. I'd much rather be hot than cold.

The only thing I dislike about it, is how hot my freaking car gets when sitting in the sun for an hour. The seat belt burns my leg every time I get in.

Oddly enough, I've accomplished so many more things this summer even after losing two specific people than I did last year when my life was perfectly okay. Maybe it's me seeking out as much adventure as I can possibly muster! And next summer, for graduation, I'm hoping I'll be able to create even more adventure. My plan so far is Disneyland on $500...but we'll see. Maybe a bigger opportunity will come forth!

Now you see, I've written this blog post to make you all jealous of all the things I've done. I'm ending it now. Zanks. 

Onward, Conquistador, and Conquer your dreams!

Life is amping up its curveballs, and I know it's only going to get worse the older I get. I have one more year of high school left before I am out in the real world.

And what better to help me through it than the sudden disappearance of all my friends?

The seniors are gone. They composed most of the group that sat and joked together at lunch every day. I'm going to miss Kelsey and Brylee, as well as Panda, Brody, Aaron and Jackson. They were awesome people who are all going out to face the world and what it has in store for them. I've already gotten to see Kelsey's new apartment. It's so homey and nice! I want one for myself...without having to pay the money, of course.

Payden is gone, hopefully forever. He made the mistake of ripping out my heart and feeding it to the dogs, so I'm still battling emotions and refusing myself the humility of breaking down and sobbing.

That crack in my emotions led to the final straw between Kaeli and I. Unfortunately. It mostly stems from this distrust she's found in me; how her own insecurities about her boyfriend weaseled their way into my relationship with her. She doesn't want me to hang out alone with Brody, ever.

Oh yes, if you've been with me since the beginning, then I'm sure you recall the extravagance and gushly love posts about my relationship with Brody in 9th grade, yes? Apparently, this past with him is threatening Kaeli more than it should.

It only hurts so much more because she's taken away the only level-headed friend of mine that's straight, male, and disinterested in a relationship with me.

So I took away my friendship from her. Because guess what? I have a lot of homosexual friends, and I feel overwhelmed by them sometimes. I need an awesome, straight guy to chill with.

But nope. Kaeli says no. Kaeli has trust issues. Kaeli thinks Brody will cheat on her, and I think he will, only because she's crazy and can't trust him.

So Kaeli is gone.

In reality, when I think back on the group of friends from Junior year, I'm pretty certain that there will be a total count of two friends by my side.

Bray Bray and Junior.

This does not include a higher list of friends that I know and cherish that I will find myself hanging around with during school, such as Julia, Emily, Kahtie, and others.

I feel lonelier than before, but in a sense, it's become all I ever wanted. I feel like being alone means more determination on what I have set in stone for myself. I feel as though there will be less distractions, dramas, and concerns that will jar my education course. My grades went from straight A's to A's and B+'s, to A's and B's and one C. To me, that's a plummeted grade, and I cannot have that any longer.

I have decided that I will go to college for my pre-med requisits and Art courses, because guess what, everyone?

That's right. I'm going to be a tattoo artist.  No, this does not diminish the whole surgeon fantasy. In fact, it enhances it and makes it a little bit more possible.

The discipline in tattooing, the standing or sitting for hours at a time with careful movements and detailed work means I will excel as a surgeon when I have to do twelve hour surgeries in a cold ER. It gives me quality and traits, as well as the money to continue on through medical school without complete and black debt.

It gives me hope, because Kat Von D has such a style that I want, and she has a dream and a career that shines like how I want mine to shine. I have artistic skill. I know I can do it. I can be who I am while I do it, and I can move on to my higher dreams with it. It's that step that I had seen as a blur in my careful plan for a long time, but now has filled the gaping hole.

So senior year will be full of science and art, (no joke, I literally signed up for mostly just those classes.) the two subjects that I will pursue for a more well rounded person.

You know how I'm a writer too? Well, guess what? Kat Von D has written books while tattooing. Duh. Everything's just set into motion now. I will  be famous and perfect. Yes. Yes I will.

I did that in Sharpie marker, and it will only get more detailed and complicated.

P.S. (That's not me. That's Erica, my troubled friend.)

Pfft. The Male Gender.

I know it's not adequate and that it is untrue, but the feelings of minority and inferiority have been pressing and pressing down on me lately. I think it's the fact that Kaeli and I put ourselves in the company of males. Thus, many many dicks.

And it's that confidence each boy has in their dick that leads to my feelings of uncertainty.

The Gays (Now a band of homosexuals consisting of Panda, Junior, and Bray Bray rightly named by me myself and I) don't fail to express their obvious distaste in woman reproduction. Breasts, va-jay-jays, and 'holes' are utterly forbidden to them, or at least, nearly, unless they want to take the time to talk about how disgusting they are.

I hope I don't sound too dramatic when I say that it's starting to get old and insulting?

The straight guys can't stop talking about how big their penises are. It's only natural for a guy! I don't expect anything less. And even though they're straight and appreciate women and their lady parts, they still somehow manage to come across as superior BECAUSE they have dicks. It's like being a women means one of two things: pleasure straight guys with their parts, and have babies.

Now, I don't mean to be a hardcore feminist. I know other women who are much more feminist than I am. In fact, I barely believe in it. I don't care about guys not hitting girls. If the girl pissed him off, he has a right to throw a curve ball. Women are just as strong as men are. We endure pain much better than men. Of course, that doesn't mean a guy can continuously slap a girl when she's doing nothing wrong, nor would I condone treating her as he would treat his guy friends. She's still a female, and still deserving of respect and love that a guy has to offer. Otherwise...where's the relationship? I know it wouldn't be fun for her, even if it is fun for the dude.

I've made these observations as I live the lifestyle I've chosen for myself. When I was under the Mormon influence, I was shown what brainwashed, respectable men offer as being gentleman, but nothing about sex. Now that I have seen sex, had sex, understand sex, and live with people who have had sex or are surrounded by it themselves, I've noticed little things or tendencies that I've only ever believed to be in the gritty gang movies. I can deal with it. I'm not complaining, per se. I'm just noticing, and pointing out the fact that I have noticed. This is how it is, and how it will always be. Of course, every girl wishes for a gentleman, and some might not get him, but that's because they made a mistake or aren't trying hard enough.

But really. There's only so many to go around, and their standards a bit higher than your own.

Those are just the most gentle of gentlemen, though. I've found myself a fairly respectable boyfriend. He has his issues sometimes, but he's only a guy, and I have a mind that I can use to speak out against him if he starts to piss me off. (Women, that's something you need more of, rather than letting some guy abuse you. Just saying.)

Oi Vey!

That's right. I said it.

2013...unlucky?

I'm having a hard time deciding how I feel right now.

And when I say, "feel" I mean how my emotions are affecting my outward display to other people. I've been very sporadic, bipolar with my moods, one could say. One moment I'm incredibly happy because I'm with him, and the next I've fallen on my face in depression, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere.

This depression, as I've mentioned before in earlier posts, really doesn't have a root. It's just a buildup of things that have bothered me over time, and even though I've talked about them with other people, or I've solved them somewhere along the road, they still affect me like I've never felt before.

I feel that it's reared its ugly head recently because of the incidents from the past few weeks. Not to sound like I'm trying to beat other people's crappy lives with my own, but it's the worst that's happened to me ever.

For one thing, there have been two suicides within the past two weeks. One was a girl in American Fork that I honestly didn't know. I barely knew of the incident, thanks to Alex who sits across from me at my chemistry table. The other was a boy named Josh Garlick. I knew him. We had German together for two years. Dean always called him Bieber because of how he wore his hair. He seemed like he had a lot of friends, though I was never one to call him a friend because I didn't talk to him very much. Though I didn't know him, personally, I'm still having issues with this suicide, because I just don't know why he would do it. In my mind, all I can see over and over is the image of him committing the suicide, and I can't stop it. I don't know why. It's really hard to see all those affected at the school too. I have a problem with seeing my friends in pain for something that's happened. Katie has taken it pretty hard and it rips me up inside. I just don't know what to say to her...

Also, within the same two weeks, a murder was committed in American Fork as well. This one is closer to me, more touchy, because it was my boyfriend's nephew that was shot at five months old by his father. For a week Payden has been depressed. He still is, I suppose, but he doesn't let his friends see it. I can see it, sometimes. He has had so many bad things happen to him, and seeing this affect him has been the number one contributor to my feelings of sadness and hardship. Upon meeting more of his family at the funeral, I've begun to feel a real connection, and then it really is hard.

The Boston Marathon bombing is a given. That's just crappy all over. And to think my Almond almost went there to run a marathon...her life could have been so endangered...

My Grandpa More (Great Grandfather) is in the hospital, on his deathbed pretty much. I fear there's going to be another funeral to go to soon. I'm trying not to think too much in depth what this means. He was old, time for him to go, but still. He was my favorite grandfather. I sat on his lap whenever i could when I was a little girl. I loved him a lot. But the older I got, the older he got, we soon lost a connection we shared earlier, and all I saw in him was a suffering and forgetful old man who couldn't hear half of what I said. I hardly knew what to talk to him about anymore.

But he's still dying.

There are other stressing family problems going on too. Adoption crap is trying to be arranged, my mom's parents are taking in one of their grandparents, and it's all a big mess. I'm sure family gatherings are going to be a little rueful and difficult from now on.

Rachel's going on a mission soon. For a year and a half. I mean, it's not super long, but it's long, and I'm going to miss her so much!

And honestly, this isn't even that bad. Not really. Not compared to other people's lives. Payden's is far worse than mine, and it's so sad to think about...

I went fourwheeling for the first time on Sunday. So that is a major plus. I mean, who could say their lives have been bad after fourwheeling with her boyfriend's family, AND being liked by them? Pretty good. I don't know what my problem is.

Whatever. I'm done typing now. So...goodnight.

That's what I call an awkward goodbye. It's not even nighttime.

And without it, we Perish, and with it, we suffer

There is a coldness that engulfs the world; one just as equally hollow and purposeless as my unequivocal silence. One asks not where it leads to, but how to find it so that they may follow in its suit. And though it may seem like a burden in the end, the result is free and perfect and happy. There are words that are not to be spoken, words only a child with a judgment so rudimentary and naive would utter to another. Though there are indeed ideas to be spread and thoughts to me narrated, even the slightest of mistakes could carry one far into the outer reaches of disappearance.

Silence. Oft times, it is necessary.

And there are people who abuse it, and there are people who ignore it.

And I carry no fondness for either.

Draw Something...anything...maybe my lack of thought.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was unaccustomed to the motion of relationships and what's to be expected from them. So she went on Stumbleupon.com last night and looked at dating tips.

Oh the embarrassment. Oh the shame.

I found out quickly, actually, that I've done everything they said to do and only subconsciously. Just goes to show how awesome and instinctive we are as humans.

Enough about that. I'm already sick to my stomach with the thought of typing more mushy gushy crap about my love life here. (And I've only done it at least twice!)

No, see, I come here today to write about a more important topic. A topic of which has yet to come to mind. As you can see, I'm really just ranting right now.

Okay, actually, I have nothing to write about.

Nothing.

NOOOOTTTTTHHHHIINNNGGG.


I wonder how many people read my blog? I don't normally bother with asking that question, but sometimes I get this curious streak in me and it about kills me with worry. (You see, the wrong person could read these words, and then my life would be over.)

You know what's fantastic? That Draw Something game. I LOVE IT!!!