Time to Celebrate - The recountance of the Breakup

"I've just seen a face
I can't forget the time or place
Where we just meet
She's just the girl for me
And want all the world to see
We've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never been aware
But as it is I'll dream of her
Tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di

Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling
Me back again" - The Beattles

Yes, I am obsessed with this song. I will not lie. Now I REALLY need to see the movie, right? It makes me want to get up and dance. Too bad it's only a minute long, basically. :\

That's not what I wanted to write about, actually. I just thought that I would interject with that.

My real reason for writing to you tonight is just so:

So what do ya think? It's winning material, right? That, my friends, is the product of two  brilliant cousins at work on a contest piece in the South Jordan Chalk Festival last weekend. That, my friends, won first place in the adult category. $100 bucks to Target baby!!

Also, can I just say? Chalk the Block 2013 is going to be bitchin! I've got a fantastic idea that I won't leak on here just yet. It will blow your mindz guyz!

Another thing:

Oh my girl whose name is Hannah! School is in less than a week. You know why this is huge!

I WILL BE GRADUATING THIS YEAR!

I know, I know, hold your applause. Heh heh. I'm too exited for my own good. I've got my wardrobe all set, my car almost registered...man, life is finally feeling okay right now, and I think I've healed enough in the emotional sense to finally tell you guys what really happened between ex boyfriend and I. (Though I'm not completely healed, considering I still want to tell you guys about this, whereas I would normally not really care to tell you guys. That made no sense.)



Payden and I hung out with the friends at the beginning of January; totally chill and friendly, we were all, "Yeah man, that's cool stuff. We can like, totally be friends. Yeah. That's cool."

And then two days later, he texts me saying he "misses me". And then we were a couple. (I've now decided that he just missed the company of a girl, but spiced it up to make me more compliant to his needs.)

Our relationship became a huge thing amongst the friends, totally unexpected, the unlikeliest of people! As he liked to phrase it, "shit just happened."


So then on, I was a happyish girl with a "cool" dude, who I tried to downplay the tool-ish-ness in.

He took me to my first concert, we growled at each other, he sometimes let me relinquish that sudden feeling to bite his shoulder, my first fourwheeling experience was with his family, and we had other very new and first-timing experiences that I probably will never forget.

End of the school year comes along, and he's getting ready to rejoice in the beauty that is graduating. I honestly thought it was just stress, but everyone except him was relaxing and kicking up their legs since all the big assignments were done and out of the way. He began to pull away once May hit.

I should have seen it coming then, but I was too ignorant and hopeful.

Here's the thing guys, after the first two weeks of our relationship, I was sort of-kind of happy. Not completely, like how I am with my best friends. He was a hard person to talk about feelings with, and I often felt like I had to be someone else to impress him. He definitely toughened me up too. If I were to say, eh, I don't know, OUCH!, his response would be just so: "Hah, please, that didn't hurt. I'll give you something to say ow about." Everyone dismissed it as just him, since he was such a 'badass' all the time anyway. *COUGH* tool *COUGH*. So I just let it be the way it was.

I will not lie. He is a fantastic kisser! And he has such a good body. You know, not the super duper I-can't-stand-you-for-the-love-of-god-eat-a-goddamn-hamburger-or-you'll-die kind of skinny, but not a fat-ass who never takes care of himself either. He was a happy median, and perfect for my happy median body as well. It just fit. I miss the physical things, not so much his personality.

Anyway, he was pulling away. I know at one point in those five months that he said I did things that reminded him of Cassee (His ex, pregnant girlfriend who caused a lot of shit in his life to go down and emotionally ruin him for a time being...) and that it's not me it's him.

He also was sick for a week and continued to be 'sick' for another week, thus forcefully putting distance between us then.

And then the following nights occurred within the last few weeks.

Aaron and I went to go see the midnight showing of Star Trek! Dun dun dun DUN! (Aaron and I, by the way, have become much closer thanks to Payden and mine's relationship.) We invited Payden, but he was too stuck up to go see a simple sci-fi film. "That looks like a stupid show. I don't watch that shit." [Mind you. His language is very vulgar and unnecessary.] So we went alone. Before we left however, Payden was off work, and I was driving home from work, and I asked him if I could come hang out with him before I left with Aaron to go to the movie. (I was going to anyway, whether he liked it or not.) He replied:

I have a lot of stuff to do

(No period, because he never uses grammar in his texting. I guess I'm just a super freak like that.) So I said, "Okay..." and called Aaron, who then allowed me to come over to HIS house. Well, when I came over, Payden was sitting on the couch with his headphones in and listening to music. He wasn't doing anything. That whole time. So I sat across the room and told Aaron about my adventures in work while Aaron played video games. (Because, you know, dudes. That's just what they do these days.)

Payden didn't even bother to say hi to me that night.

The same behavior happened again when all the friends were hanging out one Saturday night. This was May 18th, (and yes, I had to look at the computer calendar to get that date because I don't store crap like that in my memory for good reasons) the last Saturday we spent in our technical relationship. Let's be simple: he was odd, ignored me, and made me angry.

So naturally, I confronted him, because I felt that since we were this far into the relationship, I could do stuff like that without worrying about things getting wildly out of control, you know? He just claimed he was, "Listening to music", and proceeded to make the gathering of friends in the basement completely awkward and painful for me.

So I went home, crying, because I'm a girl and that's what emotionally distraught teenage girls do. They cry.

I didn't actually go home. I went to Discovery Park around 11 because I knew my parents were home and expecting me at midnight, and I didn't want them to see me crying. So I cried in my car in a park in the dark for a good long bit.

Then I snuck into my bedroom and cried there too.

My best friend in the whole wide world was so worried about me that night, but I was too embarrassed to cry and make him awkward, so I told him I'd talk to him in the morning.

He came over that Sunday morning to help me feel better and to keep me company. We analyzed everything that happened Saturday in minute detail, because best friends do that with each other without question.

Then Kaeli, the girl who I'm no longer friends with, called me saying that Payden wanted to talk to me, but at a park in Highland.  (I'm sitting in my living room in Pleasant freaking Grove.)

Okay, hold on.

1. Why the hell would he not call me and tell me that himself? I AM his girlfriend, anyway.
2. Why Kaeli? Of all people, to call?
3. Why the hell is Kaeli WITH him if this is supposed to be a private matter?
and
4. Why a park?

Because I was already on the edge of an emotional breakdown, I asked Junior to come with me, even if that meant waiting in the car with me. He came with me, and as we were driving to the park, he was texting Kaeli.

In the long drive we took to get there, we found out that a.) it wasn't anything bad, it's actually really good [According to Kaeli and also since I was dreading a breakup], b.) it's good that Junior is coming along with me, and c.) most, if not all, the friends are there!

What.

WHAT.

Now I was really anxious, and starting to get a lot angry. Not a little. The anger just kind of spiked.

When we arrived, all the friends were gathered on the playset, and by then, I was shaking because I didn't know what was going to happen. I was angry with the idea that he was going to make a public apology in front of all my friends.

I was wearing a strapless shirt, so his first response when he saw me was, "You look Mexican."

Wrong move, buddy.

Now that he was on my shit list for that comment, everything else just broke the record for 'shittiest day in the book'.

Everyone was in a circle, looking at Payden and Aaron. Aaron came out as gay, happily, and we were all excited for him. Then Payden came out as bisexual, and everyone except Junior and I were happy and excited for him.

"Let's give Mindy a hug!" Kaeli exclaims, as if that was going to make everything just flipping okay.

Let's stop to consider for just a moment:

1. He just ended our relationship.
2. That same scenario already happened to me when I tried dating Junior, and he knew it.
and
3. You are supposed to tell your GIRLFRIEND who has had intimate experiences with you shit like that in PRIVATE.

Okay, continue.

"I'm sorry, Mindy," and he came at me with his arms outstretched, as if touching me was the greatest of ideas at the moment. That everything he had just thrown at me was totally okay and fine now. That everyone was happy and that a hug would solve world hunger.

I grudgingly hugged him back. I could tell the Kent and Aaron noticed my conflicted emotions across my face, but they were too smart to say anything. Brody was silent. Kaeli was beaming. Junior was solemn faced, knowing exactly what I knew: What a dumbass.

So after that was over, he continued to tell us that he was abused as a child, and that there were only really men in his life that made him happy, and that Cassee and his mother effed him up. Oh, but Mindy, you were one of the only girls who supported me and understood, so I guess you're okay. But yeah guys, I'm bi because I guess I really like guys too." He told us all about his mad desire to rape and murder, and that he has all of our deaths planned out.  Then he told us about Warped Tour (Which I told him about originally) and how we should all go together, and then after that, go CAMPING! (Cue big bursting balls of sunshine surrounding a cheesy smiley face that will explode if he smiles a little bit more.)

Um, excuse me...

But didn't you just tell us that you were planning our deaths, only moments ago? And now you want us to go camping with you?

After that, I lied and said I left my brothers home alone, which everyone knew was a big fat lie because they all knew that my brothers could take care of themselves. Junior knew his cue, and we both got up. Payden got up to give me another hug, as if saying, "This is all just stupid and everything will be just normal, right?" I didn't even look at him. I just walked away.

I swear to god that out of the corner of my eye I saw Kent giving Payden a pat on the back, as if Payden realized suddenly that he just fucked everything up, and I almost felt bad. But then I didn't.

I wasn't even to my car before I was in tears. I drove dangerously home in tears. I bawled to my parents about everything in tears. My dad claimed that he knew there was something gay about Payden all along, which made me feel worse and burst into more tears.

Junior stayed with me the entire time.

Can I just point out?

When I dated Tyler, and he decided that he was really gay, he and I talked alone in my bedroom about it. He told me how he felt, and we privately discussed that everything was okay, all was forgiven, and that we would still be amazing friends. Then he told the friends a few days after telling me, to let things sink in.

He was completely respectful, a total gentleman, and the best friend I could ever have. So that is why our friendship hasn't been ruined. Of course, I was a tiny bit upset at the beginning, and only naturally.

Payden lost all respect from my parents, from my best friend, from me, and from my brothers. He lost a truly great girl, a really good girlfriend.

When Junior went home that night, I cried to myself for a long while, didn't get much sleep, and woke up with tears still wet on my cheeks that Monday morning. I went to school in tears, parked in a completely different spot from the normal spot that everyone parks in, ignored Kent when he tried to tap on my window that morning, wandered about the hallways in loneliness before class began, and dreaded lunch time.

When lunch did come, Julia and Brayden were by my side. I took Payden aside, privately, like how it should have been done all along because I am the bigger person, and told him that it was over.

His response: "I never really wanted to date anyway. I'm sure we can still be great friends."

Oh my god was he completely wrong. That douchebag. That tool. A whole summer later, I'm still angry at him. I have made a great point to not talk to him, even if we were alone in the same room for whatever reason.

And now he's going to Louisiana for school, according to Junior who got that information from Kaeli recently, and I'm rejoicing like the gays at gay pride do when they find their soulmate. He's also getting kicked out of Aaron's home since he abused their hospitality and is a complete dim-wad. He tried to date another girl (I know, I know, total slap to the face in the same burning spot, since according to him, he wanted to experiment with guys...ugh!), according to Aaron, afterwards, and I heard they ended up breaking up anyway and now he's alone again. Sweet, sweet justice.

OH! How Karma is served. Oh I'm so giddy and happy just thinking about it. I glow in his misery.

And no, that is NOT too harsh, considering what he did to me.

Listen, Ladies. Payden Judd is a dick. Leah was smart to get out of there when she did. He's not really bisexual. He just thought of one day having a guy suck on him rather than a girl, because apparently in his mind, it would somehow be different because men have different tongue structures than women. (Please do not think that that is the case. Everyone has the same type of tongue. God.)




 Thanks for reading, my friends. I know, I'm a hilarious person. :D Just kidding, I'm not that cocky. I honestly just had to get it out of my system.

Over and Out!

August 1st

Finally, the end of the summer is drawing nearer. I have 20 days until Senior year truly begins, and all the hard work falls back into place once again. This year, for the first time, I am buying a yearbook. That way I can have memory of AF high and all the peers that will be affecting my life the very moment before I leave most of them for the big life in college.

One thing I realized is that the relationships you create with people in high school aren't going to matter when you get into college. Yes, there will be many of my peers attending UVU, but honestly? We'll all be trapped in our rooms writing essays and studying for tests. Or at least, that's how I'm prepared to see my life as. You'd be wise to expect the same.

I know the school will soon send that little letter in the mail explaining when the book depository opens and what time you ought to run and pick up your books. I'm hoping I won't have too many books.

Junior said he won't have a fourth period on B-days like me! We can party it up! And hopefully he'll have a job by then. In which case, he's really excited that he'll be able to buy me lunch rather than the other way round. (Since I've bought him sooo many things...)

I need a camera.

I just realized this. How else am I supposed to document high school with ease if I don't have a camera? Maybe my parents will let me take their camera every once in a while...perhaps I should look into those disposable cameras.

I've been drawing truly amazing things. (Amazing for me. I'm no professional artist, but HEY! Life-like pictures of the avengers? Pa-lease.) So naturally, I CANNOT wait for my art classes this coming year. I cannot. :D

And hooray! I'm taking physiology again. I took it in tenth grade, remember? I was a rockstar in that class. Well, I'm going to be a rockstar again!!! That's just another A to boost my GPA.

Guys, my goal this year is to get a 4.0 in all my classes. I don't have that many classes, and they aren't so difficult and so many that I would be overwhelmed. My only classes that would be difficult would be Latin, AP Biology, and possibly Ancient World History. That's it. I can focus on those! It's not like I have Math, Science, English, History, and Financial classes to contend with anymore. I'm a happy girl!

I decided that I really like being single. I love it. And I don't feel a need to explain these perfectly simple feelings to anyone.

Peace.

Undecided

It's hard to express feelings in writing, especially in the heat of the moment. When your head is reeling, trying to tell you to be logical about your decisions, your heart is wanting something completely different. Everyone thinks that a security in one another for an extended amount of time is the best way to go, never mind the heartache and destruction of emotions if all goes badly. I know I should stop where I'm at and change my directive. Look at what happened the last time! I ended up with a butchered taste for love. I blatantly said I wanted no part of this, and even so, it came out meaningless. Will history repeat itself as it always does? As it so cleverly did previously? Will my desire overpower my mind for peace, or will I speak heavily and truthfully, and carry out that promise?

I still grieve for the moments spent and lost with him. When I feel that I am close to forgetting, I find that I have not forgiven. As much of an insensitive boy as he was, or how much of a tool is he now, he had moments that became the reason that I still thought to carry on. And now, when I smell a certain fragrance, or I see his face in my mind; when I hear his name, I feel as though I might crumble. There's no going back, but sometimes I feel like there's no going forward. I have bigger and better dreams to attend to, so these feelings are petty and dramatic, but they only worsen now because of Kaden...because he has to appear and be nice and kind and nerdy, and because I'm considering all that I went through again for him. I only ask, will it be worth it? Will I be the reaper of the relationship and break his heart as mine was broken? Or will I give in and risk my emotions for another teenage boy?

Summer fun

I was reading over past blog posts, giggling about my younger stupidities in writing what I did, and wondering what on earth I had been thinking when I complained over and over that my life was one big repetitive mess.

Actually, false. It was true that my life was boring and routinely. No question about it, because work and school only left so much time for anything else.

See, this is why I love summer so much! I have so much more time to do anything I want to! Though I have to struggle to keep the spending at a minimum, I've already done so many things in one month than I might have done in a whole semester! Hiking, bowling, swimming, Lagoon, chalk art, discovering a new piece to my future, making a new friend, Cartoon conventions, Warped tour and other concerts, taking in a homeless teenager, riding frontrunner, etc. I mean, seriously! I've been everywhere! My poor Edgar can't take it anymore, I swear. He has so many miles on him...

The best part about summer, however, is the tank tops and the shorts and the warmth. I don't have to go outside worrying about how cold it's going to be. Only how hot it will be. I'd much rather be hot than cold.

The only thing I dislike about it, is how hot my freaking car gets when sitting in the sun for an hour. The seat belt burns my leg every time I get in.

Oddly enough, I've accomplished so many more things this summer even after losing two specific people than I did last year when my life was perfectly okay. Maybe it's me seeking out as much adventure as I can possibly muster! And next summer, for graduation, I'm hoping I'll be able to create even more adventure. My plan so far is Disneyland on $500...but we'll see. Maybe a bigger opportunity will come forth!

Now you see, I've written this blog post to make you all jealous of all the things I've done. I'm ending it now. Zanks. 

Onward, Conquistador, and Conquer your dreams!

Life is amping up its curveballs, and I know it's only going to get worse the older I get. I have one more year of high school left before I am out in the real world.

And what better to help me through it than the sudden disappearance of all my friends?

The seniors are gone. They composed most of the group that sat and joked together at lunch every day. I'm going to miss Kelsey and Brylee, as well as Panda, Brody, Aaron and Jackson. They were awesome people who are all going out to face the world and what it has in store for them. I've already gotten to see Kelsey's new apartment. It's so homey and nice! I want one for myself...without having to pay the money, of course.

Payden is gone, hopefully forever. He made the mistake of ripping out my heart and feeding it to the dogs, so I'm still battling emotions and refusing myself the humility of breaking down and sobbing.

That crack in my emotions led to the final straw between Kaeli and I. Unfortunately. It mostly stems from this distrust she's found in me; how her own insecurities about her boyfriend weaseled their way into my relationship with her. She doesn't want me to hang out alone with Brody, ever.

Oh yes, if you've been with me since the beginning, then I'm sure you recall the extravagance and gushly love posts about my relationship with Brody in 9th grade, yes? Apparently, this past with him is threatening Kaeli more than it should.

It only hurts so much more because she's taken away the only level-headed friend of mine that's straight, male, and disinterested in a relationship with me.

So I took away my friendship from her. Because guess what? I have a lot of homosexual friends, and I feel overwhelmed by them sometimes. I need an awesome, straight guy to chill with.

But nope. Kaeli says no. Kaeli has trust issues. Kaeli thinks Brody will cheat on her, and I think he will, only because she's crazy and can't trust him.

So Kaeli is gone.

In reality, when I think back on the group of friends from Junior year, I'm pretty certain that there will be a total count of two friends by my side.

Bray Bray and Junior.

This does not include a higher list of friends that I know and cherish that I will find myself hanging around with during school, such as Julia, Emily, Kahtie, and others.

I feel lonelier than before, but in a sense, it's become all I ever wanted. I feel like being alone means more determination on what I have set in stone for myself. I feel as though there will be less distractions, dramas, and concerns that will jar my education course. My grades went from straight A's to A's and B+'s, to A's and B's and one C. To me, that's a plummeted grade, and I cannot have that any longer.

I have decided that I will go to college for my pre-med requisits and Art courses, because guess what, everyone?

That's right. I'm going to be a tattoo artist.  No, this does not diminish the whole surgeon fantasy. In fact, it enhances it and makes it a little bit more possible.

The discipline in tattooing, the standing or sitting for hours at a time with careful movements and detailed work means I will excel as a surgeon when I have to do twelve hour surgeries in a cold ER. It gives me quality and traits, as well as the money to continue on through medical school without complete and black debt.

It gives me hope, because Kat Von D has such a style that I want, and she has a dream and a career that shines like how I want mine to shine. I have artistic skill. I know I can do it. I can be who I am while I do it, and I can move on to my higher dreams with it. It's that step that I had seen as a blur in my careful plan for a long time, but now has filled the gaping hole.

So senior year will be full of science and art, (no joke, I literally signed up for mostly just those classes.) the two subjects that I will pursue for a more well rounded person.

You know how I'm a writer too? Well, guess what? Kat Von D has written books while tattooing. Duh. Everything's just set into motion now. I will  be famous and perfect. Yes. Yes I will.

I did that in Sharpie marker, and it will only get more detailed and complicated.

P.S. (That's not me. That's Erica, my troubled friend.)

Pfft. The Male Gender.

I know it's not adequate and that it is untrue, but the feelings of minority and inferiority have been pressing and pressing down on me lately. I think it's the fact that Kaeli and I put ourselves in the company of males. Thus, many many dicks.

And it's that confidence each boy has in their dick that leads to my feelings of uncertainty.

The Gays (Now a band of homosexuals consisting of Panda, Junior, and Bray Bray rightly named by me myself and I) don't fail to express their obvious distaste in woman reproduction. Breasts, va-jay-jays, and 'holes' are utterly forbidden to them, or at least, nearly, unless they want to take the time to talk about how disgusting they are.

I hope I don't sound too dramatic when I say that it's starting to get old and insulting?

The straight guys can't stop talking about how big their penises are. It's only natural for a guy! I don't expect anything less. And even though they're straight and appreciate women and their lady parts, they still somehow manage to come across as superior BECAUSE they have dicks. It's like being a women means one of two things: pleasure straight guys with their parts, and have babies.

Now, I don't mean to be a hardcore feminist. I know other women who are much more feminist than I am. In fact, I barely believe in it. I don't care about guys not hitting girls. If the girl pissed him off, he has a right to throw a curve ball. Women are just as strong as men are. We endure pain much better than men. Of course, that doesn't mean a guy can continuously slap a girl when she's doing nothing wrong, nor would I condone treating her as he would treat his guy friends. She's still a female, and still deserving of respect and love that a guy has to offer. Otherwise...where's the relationship? I know it wouldn't be fun for her, even if it is fun for the dude.

I've made these observations as I live the lifestyle I've chosen for myself. When I was under the Mormon influence, I was shown what brainwashed, respectable men offer as being gentleman, but nothing about sex. Now that I have seen sex, had sex, understand sex, and live with people who have had sex or are surrounded by it themselves, I've noticed little things or tendencies that I've only ever believed to be in the gritty gang movies. I can deal with it. I'm not complaining, per se. I'm just noticing, and pointing out the fact that I have noticed. This is how it is, and how it will always be. Of course, every girl wishes for a gentleman, and some might not get him, but that's because they made a mistake or aren't trying hard enough.

But really. There's only so many to go around, and their standards a bit higher than your own.

Those are just the most gentle of gentlemen, though. I've found myself a fairly respectable boyfriend. He has his issues sometimes, but he's only a guy, and I have a mind that I can use to speak out against him if he starts to piss me off. (Women, that's something you need more of, rather than letting some guy abuse you. Just saying.)

Oi Vey!

That's right. I said it.

2013...unlucky?

I'm having a hard time deciding how I feel right now.

And when I say, "feel" I mean how my emotions are affecting my outward display to other people. I've been very sporadic, bipolar with my moods, one could say. One moment I'm incredibly happy because I'm with him, and the next I've fallen on my face in depression, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere.

This depression, as I've mentioned before in earlier posts, really doesn't have a root. It's just a buildup of things that have bothered me over time, and even though I've talked about them with other people, or I've solved them somewhere along the road, they still affect me like I've never felt before.

I feel that it's reared its ugly head recently because of the incidents from the past few weeks. Not to sound like I'm trying to beat other people's crappy lives with my own, but it's the worst that's happened to me ever.

For one thing, there have been two suicides within the past two weeks. One was a girl in American Fork that I honestly didn't know. I barely knew of the incident, thanks to Alex who sits across from me at my chemistry table. The other was a boy named Josh Garlick. I knew him. We had German together for two years. Dean always called him Bieber because of how he wore his hair. He seemed like he had a lot of friends, though I was never one to call him a friend because I didn't talk to him very much. Though I didn't know him, personally, I'm still having issues with this suicide, because I just don't know why he would do it. In my mind, all I can see over and over is the image of him committing the suicide, and I can't stop it. I don't know why. It's really hard to see all those affected at the school too. I have a problem with seeing my friends in pain for something that's happened. Katie has taken it pretty hard and it rips me up inside. I just don't know what to say to her...

Also, within the same two weeks, a murder was committed in American Fork as well. This one is closer to me, more touchy, because it was my boyfriend's nephew that was shot at five months old by his father. For a week Payden has been depressed. He still is, I suppose, but he doesn't let his friends see it. I can see it, sometimes. He has had so many bad things happen to him, and seeing this affect him has been the number one contributor to my feelings of sadness and hardship. Upon meeting more of his family at the funeral, I've begun to feel a real connection, and then it really is hard.

The Boston Marathon bombing is a given. That's just crappy all over. And to think my Almond almost went there to run a marathon...her life could have been so endangered...

My Grandpa More (Great Grandfather) is in the hospital, on his deathbed pretty much. I fear there's going to be another funeral to go to soon. I'm trying not to think too much in depth what this means. He was old, time for him to go, but still. He was my favorite grandfather. I sat on his lap whenever i could when I was a little girl. I loved him a lot. But the older I got, the older he got, we soon lost a connection we shared earlier, and all I saw in him was a suffering and forgetful old man who couldn't hear half of what I said. I hardly knew what to talk to him about anymore.

But he's still dying.

There are other stressing family problems going on too. Adoption crap is trying to be arranged, my mom's parents are taking in one of their grandparents, and it's all a big mess. I'm sure family gatherings are going to be a little rueful and difficult from now on.

Rachel's going on a mission soon. For a year and a half. I mean, it's not super long, but it's long, and I'm going to miss her so much!

And honestly, this isn't even that bad. Not really. Not compared to other people's lives. Payden's is far worse than mine, and it's so sad to think about...

I went fourwheeling for the first time on Sunday. So that is a major plus. I mean, who could say their lives have been bad after fourwheeling with her boyfriend's family, AND being liked by them? Pretty good. I don't know what my problem is.

Whatever. I'm done typing now. So...goodnight.

That's what I call an awkward goodbye. It's not even nighttime.