I never really thought that I would say the very words that I said this morning. I had always found those words unequivocally saved for seven or ten years down the road. In fact, I'm almost positive I might have said them too early, like the way Ted screwed things up with Robin in the first episode of How I Met Your Mother. I kind of found myself dumb-founded in the shower tonight, eyes wide, shampoo dripping down my face, just praying that I didn't say something that I could possibly regret.
I've said a lot of regretful things in my life, but none quite so much as this could possibly be.
But before I really delve deep, I have to say, GUYS! (What "guys" might even be reading.) It's been a year. And yet, I haven't forgotten about this blog. It's come close, but I've written too many things for me to just throw it all away. I've spent countless hours pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet. And for what? I don't gain anything from it, except maybe a sense of relief.
To be honest, this is much different from writing in a journal. No one reads a journal except the writer. It's such a lonely, bottled up world in that little journal, whereas on a blog, where there is a slight chance that anyone could read it, you're setting yourself up for an opportunity to share your feelings with someone else and know that it was read and contemplated, and not just shut away. It's healing, almost.
No, this is not some lead into a terribly sad tale of woe, as my beginning paragraph might hint to you.
Actually, if you're up to it, it's another love story. A special kind of story, something that you'd watch on a drama-thriller TV show. Or maybe a bestselling-book-inspired movie. It's one of those stories that will warm your heart, possibly make the haters hate a lot, and realize that maybe you might be looking too far away for that one person.
Oh, and no, this is not a settling down story. Yet.
Do you remember the countless nights spent reading about this unnamed boy I dated years back in 9th grade? It was 2011, and I had written 133 blog posts for that year. They were amateur and incredibly goofy windows into my life, but I wouldn't trade them for anything, because they are documentation of my very first relationship.
Following his story, I've dated three other boys. Though the second one is my best gay friend and doesn't really count, I did kiss him. Twice. You've read about Payden, and the monstrosity of a relationship that was. But I vaguely wrote about Kaden, who, by chance, happened to be Almond's nephew and an emotionally big mistake. But maybe I'll write about that one some other time. This story, for now, has a better twist.
When something as drastic as ending a friendship occurs, the last thing you'd ever expect to happen is unconscious retaliation. Kaeli was dating Brody, my very first relationship and my 9th grade sweetheart, whilst the fighting and the revenge and the nonchalant glares continued endlessly. Those two dated for nearly two years, and I had completely given up on seeing Brody as a friend ever again. In that time, I had gotten over Payden, had a disastrously heartbreaker-relationship with Kaden, graduated proudly with friends and family watching me, and embraced my single life once more during the hot and heavy summer days.
There was this little Facebook notification for me at the end of July, that sort of changed the course of my life completely.
It was almost like Magic.
He invited me to have tea with him. And my god, it had been so long. I was so ecstatic to hear from him after all this time! In fact, I was so overwhelmed with shock, that Kaeli had unfairly passed through my mind, and when I told Brayden and Tyler about this, I could only just imagine what kind of angry Kaeli would be if she found out I was hanging out with her boyfriend again, just like that first time when we went golfing together. The last thing I needed was her trying to start rumors again.
Oh but who cared? I got to see my friend again! So Monday, July 28th, we met up at the mall to have some tea together.
How can I describe that moment? The moment when he stepped around the corner and saw me? When I saw him? He had grown into himself since I last saw him. He found a way to tame his brilliantly curly hair ever so slightly, found that smirk that made my heart skip a beat the first time I saw it. He drew me into a hug so tight, that I swear he was making up for the time lost between us as friends.
And hot damn, this new man I discovered was not only astoundingly attractive, but warm and excited and happy.
And that was when I discovered he and Kaeli broke up a week ago.
Monday was such a good day. I remember every single moment of that day, because I held on to every last bit with pleasure. We had tea and we talked and we talked and we laughed and we smiled. We went to Jack and Jill's and we bowled a few games, him wasting me every time. We played a few rounds of pool, him wasting me every time except once. Then we talked, while sitting in the trunk of his car. We talked and talked and talked.
And then I offered to read his cards, so that led us to my home. Then that led us to my bed, to rest for a bit.
My head was close to his, we were laying next to each other. And dammit, before I knew it my head was on his chest. I didn't know where control went--most likely out the window--and I didn't care. From that point, I looked at him once, and we kissed. It was like I had been a plain old wick doused in glorious flame for the second time. A second first kiss. A dream solidified to memory.
That pent up emotion, that tension that followed us throughout the day, it rose above us and over us and smothered us until the kisses grew heavier. I had only just seen him for the first time today, and yet my shirt was on the floor. I will never disregard those sex-crazed movie scenes where it seems control was specifically removed for plot. Because with feelings like the ones that night, there was no control. We left my home for "drinks". But we really just went to the store for something we both needed. And story made short, I made love for the first time in months to a guy I had only just met once again.
And I even had the balls to call it a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship.
Oh but who was I kidding? It was a relationship, as quickly as making love had come to us.
College started, after years of anticipation and waiting, and he was the one to see me off to my future.
I met his friends, who all loved me so. I re-met his family, who took to me kindly for a second time. I slammed my fingernail in the car door and bled like a crazy person shortly after being completely promiscuous with him. We rediscovered the very first slow song we danced to. Recently, we had our second Valentine's day together. I realized that it was truly just a continuation of the relationship I left behind, but better, with more maturity and wisdom and happiness.
And guess what? I've broken my 4 month dating curse. Brody and I are at seven months.
But like I said before, something also happened. I said something I never thought I would say in a million years, but I said it, and I'm coming to wonder if it was the right thing to say or not.
But this morning, after waking up with him and kissing him and holding him, I looked him in the eyes, full of emotion just as passionately strong as that first night we spent together, and said, "Brody, I think I would marry you one day."
And he said back, "I would love to have you as my wife when that time comes."
And I wonder. Could this possibly be it?
Mar 2, 2015
Feb 24, 2014
The Garbage Disposal Monster
February is almost over. I feel like it's been centuries since I've written anything on here. But that's okay, because I suddenly remember why. (My computer chair limits the comfortable positions I can sit and type in, thus furthermore hindering my motivation to jump on here and rant. It might also be due to the fact that I don't have time to do everything that I want to.)
I apologize if my English has gotten a little lazy, or if my writing capabilities have been stunted. I like to see myself as an all-powerful writer of greater intelligence, but since I don't have any English classes, I've already set myself up for disappointment. I also can't math. That's because I refused to take AP Calculus both days. I mean, pardon my language, but fuck that shit.
Could I tell you a story about the adventures of last night? It's a family oriented story, mostly PG. I only add that in because I'm sure the nothingness that's reading my posts is sick of hearing about dramatic love complications and my complaints about the human race. So here's something new!
Last night after my family had dinner, it was Eric's turn to do dishes. He's an incredibly responsible and hardworking boy who doesn't complain too much about the messes made while dinner is in effect. In fact, he just grabs his headphones, plops them on, blasts his weird music scavenged from the 1980's pop music void that is my father's iTunes, and quietly completes the chore. He's a wonderful little boy.
But sometimes his hard work is disregarded entirely. See, when my dad enters the kitchen, it's time to just get out of there and turn your eyes elsewhere. I love him, he's a quirky dude, but he makes scary messes when he does any kind of cooking. Two Thanksgivings ago he managed to get Diet Dr. Pepper inside the toaster and on the ceiling. Two weeks ago I came home to a mess of onion shavings all over the floor, sink, and counters. It's reaching a point where you're sure a monster will suddenly claw its way out of the garbage can and infest the entire kitchen permanently.
Well, last night we almost had a frightening, monster-out-of-the-dark-depths experience. My dad gets these random spurs of joy whenever the fruit and vegetables at stores are lower prices. He then commits himself to a day or two of intense fruit-and-veggie-only drink diets. He has this fancy juicer that he LOVES to use. And the boys love to watch him chuck a whole apple into it and see only the juice come out. He was doing some of this last night.
But it never occurred to me to ask the question of where the left over fruit guts go when he's done juicing it. As far as I knew, it was tossed into the scary metal thing and never seen again. Oh boy was I wrong.
I was sitting in the living room, minding my own business and doing my homework, when everyone in the house hears my dad say, "Shit!"
Normally that means something bad happened, but we're used to it happening because he always says that. Then he says, "Oh boy," and that's when my mom gets concerned.
"What happened, Karl?"
Apparently he had decided it was okay to just throw all of the fruit and veggie guts into the sink and let the garbage disposal take care of it. He had said that he'd done it in the past and it had been fine before. This is the first time it has done this.
And my mom assured him that it was the last.
My parents ran about the house looking for buckets and towels and power drills and oggers. I stayed on the couch. I figured I would just quietly listen to their struggles and laugh to myself inside. My dad was adamant about helping out and fixing it himself, since he knew that this was all his fault. I could see it on his face. At one point my mom told him they needed to buy liquid plumber, but she had had a few drinks and so she couldn't drive. I shrunk deeper into the couch. My dad volunteered, since once again, he knew how deeply of fault he was, and my mom was unsure of how stable he was about driving, since he had had a drink earlier that night as well. I shrunk even deeper into the couch, trying to appear unknown to the world.
I had nothing to fear, however, because my dad said he was fine and he bumbled out of the house to his car. Then the world went silent for a while.
It was later that night when I was downstairs in my room, trying to sleep, when I heard my dad come in and start plunging the sink upstairs, making a constant thump thump thump noise. I don't think he really believed that liquid plumber would work, but it eventually stopped.
Back to why Eric was concerned at the beginning of the story. His clean kitchen after the dishes were done was turned into a giant juicy mess. And I felt bad for him, because I know the feeling. The poor guy. I feel bad for the next little boy that has to do the dishes tonight. Because when I got home from school, I found the kitchen still in its state of hopeless disarray.
Today's lesson is not to put fruit guts down the disposal, and to clean up after yourself. It creates sadness and havoc for poor little boys like my brothers.
I apologize if my English has gotten a little lazy, or if my writing capabilities have been stunted. I like to see myself as an all-powerful writer of greater intelligence, but since I don't have any English classes, I've already set myself up for disappointment. I also can't math. That's because I refused to take AP Calculus both days. I mean, pardon my language, but fuck that shit.
Could I tell you a story about the adventures of last night? It's a family oriented story, mostly PG. I only add that in because I'm sure the nothingness that's reading my posts is sick of hearing about dramatic love complications and my complaints about the human race. So here's something new!
Last night after my family had dinner, it was Eric's turn to do dishes. He's an incredibly responsible and hardworking boy who doesn't complain too much about the messes made while dinner is in effect. In fact, he just grabs his headphones, plops them on, blasts his weird music scavenged from the 1980's pop music void that is my father's iTunes, and quietly completes the chore. He's a wonderful little boy.
But sometimes his hard work is disregarded entirely. See, when my dad enters the kitchen, it's time to just get out of there and turn your eyes elsewhere. I love him, he's a quirky dude, but he makes scary messes when he does any kind of cooking. Two Thanksgivings ago he managed to get Diet Dr. Pepper inside the toaster and on the ceiling. Two weeks ago I came home to a mess of onion shavings all over the floor, sink, and counters. It's reaching a point where you're sure a monster will suddenly claw its way out of the garbage can and infest the entire kitchen permanently.
Well, last night we almost had a frightening, monster-out-of-the-dark-depths experience. My dad gets these random spurs of joy whenever the fruit and vegetables at stores are lower prices. He then commits himself to a day or two of intense fruit-and-veggie-only drink diets. He has this fancy juicer that he LOVES to use. And the boys love to watch him chuck a whole apple into it and see only the juice come out. He was doing some of this last night.
But it never occurred to me to ask the question of where the left over fruit guts go when he's done juicing it. As far as I knew, it was tossed into the scary metal thing and never seen again. Oh boy was I wrong.
I was sitting in the living room, minding my own business and doing my homework, when everyone in the house hears my dad say, "Shit!"
Normally that means something bad happened, but we're used to it happening because he always says that. Then he says, "Oh boy," and that's when my mom gets concerned.
"What happened, Karl?"
Apparently he had decided it was okay to just throw all of the fruit and veggie guts into the sink and let the garbage disposal take care of it. He had said that he'd done it in the past and it had been fine before. This is the first time it has done this.
And my mom assured him that it was the last.
My parents ran about the house looking for buckets and towels and power drills and oggers. I stayed on the couch. I figured I would just quietly listen to their struggles and laugh to myself inside. My dad was adamant about helping out and fixing it himself, since he knew that this was all his fault. I could see it on his face. At one point my mom told him they needed to buy liquid plumber, but she had had a few drinks and so she couldn't drive. I shrunk deeper into the couch. My dad volunteered, since once again, he knew how deeply of fault he was, and my mom was unsure of how stable he was about driving, since he had had a drink earlier that night as well. I shrunk even deeper into the couch, trying to appear unknown to the world.
I had nothing to fear, however, because my dad said he was fine and he bumbled out of the house to his car. Then the world went silent for a while.
It was later that night when I was downstairs in my room, trying to sleep, when I heard my dad come in and start plunging the sink upstairs, making a constant thump thump thump noise. I don't think he really believed that liquid plumber would work, but it eventually stopped.
Back to why Eric was concerned at the beginning of the story. His clean kitchen after the dishes were done was turned into a giant juicy mess. And I felt bad for him, because I know the feeling. The poor guy. I feel bad for the next little boy that has to do the dishes tonight. Because when I got home from school, I found the kitchen still in its state of hopeless disarray.
Today's lesson is not to put fruit guts down the disposal, and to clean up after yourself. It creates sadness and havoc for poor little boys like my brothers.
Nov 1, 2013
Artistic Abilities Challenged
Sometimes I look at the world around me and think, "Monsters. The lot of them!" Because when you think monster, I'm sure that in your mind's eye you see something huge and scaly and dripping with slime. Some people might picture a hated person as the monster in their life.
I see both.
I see Monsters in Society.
Now, see, don't wriggle too much. Don't read this and think, "What the hell is she talking about?" It's very relevant. You'll see. I promise.
Ba-dum-dum-duh!
I made it into AP Art. I transferred out from my Teacher Assistant role in my beloved Physiology teacher's class to join a high-end, probably-filled-with-scholarships art class. But I transferred in after one quarter, so I'm a bit behind. I'm supposed to do 12 concentrations and 12 breadths for my 24 piece portfolio at the end of the AP year to get a score. Supposedly you have to have 3 concentrations and 3 breadths done by now. I've only just finished one little breadth.
For my concentration, I have to have a repeating theme in 12 pieces of work that has a meaning behind it, and I didn't know what I was going to do for the longest time. But just recently I decided that I'm going to do (Yes, you guessed it!) Monsters in Society.
It is legitimately images of realistic looking monsters in societal roles and demonstrating how conforming to society has turned us into a monster. For example, I've begun a picture of a female celebrity with three heads and fins in a woman's body, very thin and very pretty, in a spotlight on the red carpet.
Commonly, people say, "Oh but it's just a celebrity. She's so beautiful!" Exactly. They are connected to the media, and the media is what is negatively influencing people all over the world. I am media right now, and I could be negatively influencing you right now, since I'm taking hate about media. (What a confusing logic we endure.)
I'm not always confident in my artistic abilities, especially now that I've seen some of what other people have done in my new class. (There are some real artists in there.) But I know that for my own race against personal status, I can do my best in this moment. She's turned out so well so far.
So wish me luck in my endeavors in drawing awesome monsters for the AP guys. I hope that's unique enough for them.
I see both.
I see Monsters in Society.
Now, see, don't wriggle too much. Don't read this and think, "What the hell is she talking about?" It's very relevant. You'll see. I promise.
Ba-dum-dum-duh!
I made it into AP Art. I transferred out from my Teacher Assistant role in my beloved Physiology teacher's class to join a high-end, probably-filled-with-scholarships art class. But I transferred in after one quarter, so I'm a bit behind. I'm supposed to do 12 concentrations and 12 breadths for my 24 piece portfolio at the end of the AP year to get a score. Supposedly you have to have 3 concentrations and 3 breadths done by now. I've only just finished one little breadth.
For my concentration, I have to have a repeating theme in 12 pieces of work that has a meaning behind it, and I didn't know what I was going to do for the longest time. But just recently I decided that I'm going to do (Yes, you guessed it!) Monsters in Society.
It is legitimately images of realistic looking monsters in societal roles and demonstrating how conforming to society has turned us into a monster. For example, I've begun a picture of a female celebrity with three heads and fins in a woman's body, very thin and very pretty, in a spotlight on the red carpet.
Commonly, people say, "Oh but it's just a celebrity. She's so beautiful!" Exactly. They are connected to the media, and the media is what is negatively influencing people all over the world. I am media right now, and I could be negatively influencing you right now, since I'm taking hate about media. (What a confusing logic we endure.)
I'm not always confident in my artistic abilities, especially now that I've seen some of what other people have done in my new class. (There are some real artists in there.) But I know that for my own race against personal status, I can do my best in this moment. She's turned out so well so far.
So wish me luck in my endeavors in drawing awesome monsters for the AP guys. I hope that's unique enough for them.
Sep 21, 2013
Kaeli's Rampage takes another Turn
Kaeli has decided to take it upon herself to tell all her "friends" around the school that I had taken her boyfriend into my room, had a wild sex affair, and that she had to call my mother to find us.
First of all, she doesn't have my mom's number. That's bullshit.
Second of all, we went golfing, that one day long long ago, for twenty minutes before she interrupted.
Third of all, after everything she's told about poor Brody's dick and all her sexual experiences, the thought of even...AGG. I can't even type it it's so rottenly disgusting.
That's where her problem lies, you see. Notice how she thinks it's okay to tell the whole school about her sex life? She doesn't even realize it, but she really is putting her boyfriend down. His image is being shattered by her constant descriptions and chattering. He is seemingly more impure more and more, and I wonder if it's because Kaeli wants her boyfriend to be lowered to her status.
It's no secret that she's slept around with a couple of guys. (Mostly fat, ugly ones if you ask me.) It's obvious that she's spoiled and has nicer things. And it's very frank that she's a little messed up emotionally and mentally, because she cannot seem to let this go.
I understand that yes, she was the victim, and it always hurts worse when you are the target. But I only told her the truth. Truth hurts, Kaeli, I'm sorry, but you need to learn that soon. She was, also, caught off guard, but I don't give a flying fuck if she was. Too bad.
I'd like to point out one little thing.
How is it that she can tell rotten lies about her boyfriend and I, making her boyfriend look JUST AS BAD, yet manage to still love him and shit? Jesus. Does she even let him SPEAK to another girl?
Whatever it is that's going on, I just want her to know that the reason why she doesn't have any friends any more is because she needs to get her shit together and chill the fuck out. She needs to let go of the past, stop spreading rumors, and quit being a completely self-centered bitch all the time.
And if Kaeli ever in a million years really does read this post, then: Sorry, but it's the truth.
First of all, she doesn't have my mom's number. That's bullshit.
Second of all, we went golfing, that one day long long ago, for twenty minutes before she interrupted.
Third of all, after everything she's told about poor Brody's dick and all her sexual experiences, the thought of even...AGG. I can't even type it it's so rottenly disgusting.
That's where her problem lies, you see. Notice how she thinks it's okay to tell the whole school about her sex life? She doesn't even realize it, but she really is putting her boyfriend down. His image is being shattered by her constant descriptions and chattering. He is seemingly more impure more and more, and I wonder if it's because Kaeli wants her boyfriend to be lowered to her status.
It's no secret that she's slept around with a couple of guys. (Mostly fat, ugly ones if you ask me.) It's obvious that she's spoiled and has nicer things. And it's very frank that she's a little messed up emotionally and mentally, because she cannot seem to let this go.
I understand that yes, she was the victim, and it always hurts worse when you are the target. But I only told her the truth. Truth hurts, Kaeli, I'm sorry, but you need to learn that soon. She was, also, caught off guard, but I don't give a flying fuck if she was. Too bad.
I'd like to point out one little thing.
How is it that she can tell rotten lies about her boyfriend and I, making her boyfriend look JUST AS BAD, yet manage to still love him and shit? Jesus. Does she even let him SPEAK to another girl?
Whatever it is that's going on, I just want her to know that the reason why she doesn't have any friends any more is because she needs to get her shit together and chill the fuck out. She needs to let go of the past, stop spreading rumors, and quit being a completely self-centered bitch all the time.
And if Kaeli ever in a million years really does read this post, then: Sorry, but it's the truth.
Sep 12, 2013
Stupid Kids.
I just want to gracefully and delicately explain my almost certain hatred for the peers at my school. Them with their Caucasian afros, low riding pants, sense of invincibility, and noses turned up to the skies because frankly, they believe that the gods had made them just because they're on the student council.
Well I don't think they're made of gold. They're made of shit. They are fake, annoying, and frankly, quite stupid despite taking certain levels of classes. Socially, they are disgusting invaders who think they are "da bomb diggity". Good god.
All my friends and family are off to Disneyland right now. :\ What's the deal? Posting pictures of the Magic Kingdom and making me wish to be there more than anything? I haven't been there since 2004. Yeah, so many new and cool crap has gone up since then. I'm so jealous. >:|
I've recently recovered from an almost surgical status pain this last week. Oh man, so intense, but I can't tell the internet world what it was about, because, well, it involved the female parts. I'm all better now! That's all that matters!
Stupid high School. I want to be done with that hell hole and graduate. :\
Well I don't think they're made of gold. They're made of shit. They are fake, annoying, and frankly, quite stupid despite taking certain levels of classes. Socially, they are disgusting invaders who think they are "da bomb diggity". Good god.
All my friends and family are off to Disneyland right now. :\ What's the deal? Posting pictures of the Magic Kingdom and making me wish to be there more than anything? I haven't been there since 2004. Yeah, so many new and cool crap has gone up since then. I'm so jealous. >:|
I've recently recovered from an almost surgical status pain this last week. Oh man, so intense, but I can't tell the internet world what it was about, because, well, it involved the female parts. I'm all better now! That's all that matters!
Stupid high School. I want to be done with that hell hole and graduate. :\
Aug 15, 2013
Time to Celebrate - The recountance of the Breakup
"I've just seen a face
I can't forget the time or place
Where we just meet
She's just the girl for me
And want all the world to see
We've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm
Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never been aware
But as it is I'll dream of her
Tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di
Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling
Me back again" - The Beattles
Yes, I am obsessed with this song. I will not lie. Now I REALLY need to see the movie, right? It makes me want to get up and dance. Too bad it's only a minute long, basically. :\
That's not what I wanted to write about, actually. I just thought that I would interject with that.
My real reason for writing to you tonight is just so:
So what do ya think? It's winning material, right? That, my friends, is the product of two brilliant cousins at work on a contest piece in the South Jordan Chalk Festival last weekend. That, my friends, won first place in the adult category. $100 bucks to Target baby!!
Also, can I just say? Chalk the Block 2013 is going to be bitchin! I've got a fantastic idea that I won't leak on here just yet. It will blow your mindz guyz!
Another thing:
Oh my girl whose name is Hannah! School is in less than a week. You know why this is huge!
I WILL BE GRADUATING THIS YEAR!
I know, I know, hold your applause. Heh heh. I'm too exited for my own good. I've got my wardrobe all set, my car almost registered...man, life is finally feeling okay right now, and I think I've healed enough in the emotional sense to finally tell you guys what really happened between ex boyfriend and I. (Though I'm not completely healed, considering I still want to tell you guys about this, whereas I would normally not really care to tell you guys. That made no sense.)
Payden and I hung out with the friends at the beginning of January; totally chill and friendly, we were all, "Yeah man, that's cool stuff. We can like, totally be friends. Yeah. That's cool."
And then two days later, he texts me saying he "misses me". And then we were a couple. (I've now decided that he just missed the company of a girl, but spiced it up to make me more compliant to his needs.)
Our relationship became a huge thing amongst the friends, totally unexpected, the unlikeliest of people! As he liked to phrase it, "shit just happened."
So then on, I was a happyish girl with a "cool" dude, who I tried to downplay the tool-ish-ness in.
He took me to my first concert, we growled at each other, he sometimes let me relinquish that sudden feeling to bite his shoulder, my first fourwheeling experience was with his family, and we had other very new and first-timing experiences that I probably will never forget.
End of the school year comes along, and he's getting ready to rejoice in the beauty that is graduating. I honestly thought it was just stress, but everyone except him was relaxing and kicking up their legs since all the big assignments were done and out of the way. He began to pull away once May hit.
I should have seen it coming then, but I was too ignorant and hopeful.
Here's the thing guys, after the first two weeks of our relationship, I was sort of-kind of happy. Not completely, like how I am with my best friends. He was a hard person to talk about feelings with, and I often felt like I had to be someone else to impress him. He definitely toughened me up too. If I were to say, eh, I don't know, OUCH!, his response would be just so: "Hah, please, that didn't hurt. I'll give you something to say ow about." Everyone dismissed it as just him, since he was such a 'badass' all the time anyway. *COUGH* tool *COUGH*. So I just let it be the way it was.
I will not lie. He is a fantastic kisser! And he has such a good body. You know, not the super duper I-can't-stand-you-for-the-love-of-god-eat-a-goddamn-hamburger-or-you'll-die kind of skinny, but not a fat-ass who never takes care of himself either. He was a happy median, and perfect for my happy median body as well. It just fit. I miss the physical things, not so much his personality.
Anyway, he was pulling away. I know at one point in those five months that he said I did things that reminded him of Cassee (His ex, pregnant girlfriend who caused a lot of shit in his life to go down and emotionally ruin him for a time being...) and that it's not me it's him.
He also was sick for a week and continued to be 'sick' for another week, thus forcefully putting distance between us then.
And then the following nights occurred within the last few weeks.
Aaron and I went to go see the midnight showing of Star Trek! Dun dun dun DUN! (Aaron and I, by the way, have become much closer thanks to Payden and mine's relationship.) We invited Payden, but he was too stuck up to go see a simple sci-fi film. "That looks like a stupid show. I don't watch that shit." [Mind you. His language is very vulgar and unnecessary.] So we went alone. Before we left however, Payden was off work, and I was driving home from work, and I asked him if I could come hang out with him before I left with Aaron to go to the movie. (I was going to anyway, whether he liked it or not.) He replied:
I have a lot of stuff to do
(No period, because he never uses grammar in his texting. I guess I'm just a super freak like that.) So I said, "Okay..." and called Aaron, who then allowed me to come over to HIS house. Well, when I came over, Payden was sitting on the couch with his headphones in and listening to music. He wasn't doing anything. That whole time. So I sat across the room and told Aaron about my adventures in work while Aaron played video games. (Because, you know, dudes. That's just what they do these days.)
Payden didn't even bother to say hi to me that night.
The same behavior happened again when all the friends were hanging out one Saturday night. This was May 18th, (and yes, I had to look at the computer calendar to get that date because I don't store crap like that in my memory for good reasons) the last Saturday we spent in our technical relationship. Let's be simple: he was odd, ignored me, and made me angry.
So naturally, I confronted him, because I felt that since we were this far into the relationship, I could do stuff like that without worrying about things getting wildly out of control, you know? He just claimed he was, "Listening to music", and proceeded to make the gathering of friends in the basement completely awkward and painful for me.
So I went home, crying, because I'm a girl and that's what emotionally distraught teenage girls do. They cry.
I didn't actually go home. I went to Discovery Park around 11 because I knew my parents were home and expecting me at midnight, and I didn't want them to see me crying. So I cried in my car in a park in the dark for a good long bit.
Then I snuck into my bedroom and cried there too.
My best friend in the whole wide world was so worried about me that night, but I was too embarrassed to cry and make him awkward, so I told him I'd talk to him in the morning.
He came over that Sunday morning to help me feel better and to keep me company. We analyzed everything that happened Saturday in minute detail, because best friends do that with each other without question.
Then Kaeli, the girl who I'm no longer friends with, called me saying that Payden wanted to talk to me, but at a park in Highland. (I'm sitting in my living room in Pleasant freaking Grove.)
Okay, hold on.
1. Why the hell would he not call me and tell me that himself? I AM his girlfriend, anyway.
2. Why Kaeli? Of all people, to call?
3. Why the hell is Kaeli WITH him if this is supposed to be a private matter?
and
4. Why a park?
Because I was already on the edge of an emotional breakdown, I asked Junior to come with me, even if that meant waiting in the car with me. He came with me, and as we were driving to the park, he was texting Kaeli.
In the long drive we took to get there, we found out that a.) it wasn't anything bad, it's actually really good [According to Kaeli and also since I was dreading a breakup], b.) it's good that Junior is coming along with me, and c.) most, if not all, the friends are there!
What.
WHAT.
Now I was really anxious, and starting to get a lot angry. Not a little. The anger just kind of spiked.
When we arrived, all the friends were gathered on the playset, and by then, I was shaking because I didn't know what was going to happen. I was angry with the idea that he was going to make a public apology in front of all my friends.
I was wearing a strapless shirt, so his first response when he saw me was, "You look Mexican."
Wrong move, buddy.
Now that he was on my shit list for that comment, everything else just broke the record for 'shittiest day in the book'.
Everyone was in a circle, looking at Payden and Aaron. Aaron came out as gay, happily, and we were all excited for him. Then Payden came out as bisexual, and everyone except Junior and I were happy and excited for him.
"Let's give Mindy a hug!" Kaeli exclaims, as if that was going to make everything just flipping okay.
Let's stop to consider for just a moment:
1. He just ended our relationship.
2. That same scenario already happened to me when I tried dating Junior, and he knew it.
and
3. You are supposed to tell your GIRLFRIEND who has had intimate experiences with you shit like that in PRIVATE.
Okay, continue.
"I'm sorry, Mindy," and he came at me with his arms outstretched, as if touching me was the greatest of ideas at the moment. That everything he had just thrown at me was totally okay and fine now. That everyone was happy and that a hug would solve world hunger.
I grudgingly hugged him back. I could tell the Kent and Aaron noticed my conflicted emotions across my face, but they were too smart to say anything. Brody was silent. Kaeli was beaming. Junior was solemn faced, knowing exactly what I knew: What a dumbass.
So after that was over, he continued to tell us that he was abused as a child, and that there were only really men in his life that made him happy, and that Cassee and his mother effed him up. Oh, but Mindy, you were one of the only girls who supported me and understood, so I guess you're okay. But yeah guys, I'm bi because I guess I really like guys too." He told us all about his mad desire to rape and murder, and that he has all of our deaths planned out. Then he told us about Warped Tour (Which I told him about originally) and how we should all go together, and then after that, go CAMPING! (Cue big bursting balls of sunshine surrounding a cheesy smiley face that will explode if he smiles a little bit more.)
Um, excuse me...
But didn't you just tell us that you were planning our deaths, only moments ago? And now you want us to go camping with you?
After that, I lied and said I left my brothers home alone, which everyone knew was a big fat lie because they all knew that my brothers could take care of themselves. Junior knew his cue, and we both got up. Payden got up to give me another hug, as if saying, "This is all just stupid and everything will be just normal, right?" I didn't even look at him. I just walked away.
I swear to god that out of the corner of my eye I saw Kent giving Payden a pat on the back, as if Payden realized suddenly that he just fucked everything up, and I almost felt bad. But then I didn't.
I wasn't even to my car before I was in tears. I drove dangerously home in tears. I bawled to my parents about everything in tears. My dad claimed that he knew there was something gay about Payden all along, which made me feel worse and burst into more tears.
Junior stayed with me the entire time.
Can I just point out?
When I dated Tyler, and he decided that he was really gay, he and I talked alone in my bedroom about it. He told me how he felt, and we privately discussed that everything was okay, all was forgiven, and that we would still be amazing friends. Then he told the friends a few days after telling me, to let things sink in.
He was completely respectful, a total gentleman, and the best friend I could ever have. So that is why our friendship hasn't been ruined. Of course, I was a tiny bit upset at the beginning, and only naturally.
Payden lost all respect from my parents, from my best friend, from me, and from my brothers. He lost a truly great girl, a really good girlfriend.
When Junior went home that night, I cried to myself for a long while, didn't get much sleep, and woke up with tears still wet on my cheeks that Monday morning. I went to school in tears, parked in a completely different spot from the normal spot that everyone parks in, ignored Kent when he tried to tap on my window that morning, wandered about the hallways in loneliness before class began, and dreaded lunch time.
When lunch did come, Julia and Brayden were by my side. I took Payden aside, privately, like how it should have been done all along because I am the bigger person, and told him that it was over.
His response: "I never really wanted to date anyway. I'm sure we can still be great friends."
Oh my god was he completely wrong. That douchebag. That tool. A whole summer later, I'm still angry at him. I have made a great point to not talk to him, even if we were alone in the same room for whatever reason.
And now he's going to Louisiana for school, according to Junior who got that information from Kaeli recently, and I'm rejoicing like the gays at gay pride do when they find their soulmate. He's also getting kicked out of Aaron's home since he abused their hospitality and is a complete dim-wad. He tried to date another girl (I know, I know, total slap to the face in the same burning spot, since according to him, he wanted to experiment with guys...ugh!), according to Aaron, afterwards, and I heard they ended up breaking up anyway and now he's alone again. Sweet, sweet justice.
OH! How Karma is served. Oh I'm so giddy and happy just thinking about it. I glow in his misery.
And no, that is NOT too harsh, considering what he did to me.
Listen, Ladies. Payden Judd is a dick. Leah was smart to get out of there when she did. He's not really bisexual. He just thought of one day having a guy suck on him rather than a girl, because apparently in his mind, it would somehow be different because men have different tongue structures than women. (Please do not think that that is the case. Everyone has the same type of tongue. God.)
Thanks for reading, my friends. I know, I'm a hilarious person. :D Just kidding, I'm not that cocky. I honestly just had to get it out of my system.
Over and Out!
I can't forget the time or place
Where we just meet
She's just the girl for me
And want all the world to see
We've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm
Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never been aware
But as it is I'll dream of her
Tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di
Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling
Me back again" - The Beattles
Yes, I am obsessed with this song. I will not lie. Now I REALLY need to see the movie, right? It makes me want to get up and dance. Too bad it's only a minute long, basically. :\
That's not what I wanted to write about, actually. I just thought that I would interject with that.
My real reason for writing to you tonight is just so:
Also, can I just say? Chalk the Block 2013 is going to be bitchin! I've got a fantastic idea that I won't leak on here just yet. It will blow your mindz guyz!
Another thing:
Oh my girl whose name is Hannah! School is in less than a week. You know why this is huge!
I WILL BE GRADUATING THIS YEAR!
I know, I know, hold your applause. Heh heh. I'm too exited for my own good. I've got my wardrobe all set, my car almost registered...man, life is finally feeling okay right now, and I think I've healed enough in the emotional sense to finally tell you guys what really happened between ex boyfriend and I. (Though I'm not completely healed, considering I still want to tell you guys about this, whereas I would normally not really care to tell you guys. That made no sense.)
Payden and I hung out with the friends at the beginning of January; totally chill and friendly, we were all, "Yeah man, that's cool stuff. We can like, totally be friends. Yeah. That's cool."
And then two days later, he texts me saying he "misses me". And then we were a couple. (I've now decided that he just missed the company of a girl, but spiced it up to make me more compliant to his needs.)
Our relationship became a huge thing amongst the friends, totally unexpected, the unlikeliest of people! As he liked to phrase it, "shit just happened."
So then on, I was a happyish girl with a "cool" dude, who I tried to downplay the tool-ish-ness in.
He took me to my first concert, we growled at each other, he sometimes let me relinquish that sudden feeling to bite his shoulder, my first fourwheeling experience was with his family, and we had other very new and first-timing experiences that I probably will never forget.
End of the school year comes along, and he's getting ready to rejoice in the beauty that is graduating. I honestly thought it was just stress, but everyone except him was relaxing and kicking up their legs since all the big assignments were done and out of the way. He began to pull away once May hit.
I should have seen it coming then, but I was too ignorant and hopeful.
Here's the thing guys, after the first two weeks of our relationship, I was sort of-kind of happy. Not completely, like how I am with my best friends. He was a hard person to talk about feelings with, and I often felt like I had to be someone else to impress him. He definitely toughened me up too. If I were to say, eh, I don't know, OUCH!, his response would be just so: "Hah, please, that didn't hurt. I'll give you something to say ow about." Everyone dismissed it as just him, since he was such a 'badass' all the time anyway. *COUGH* tool *COUGH*. So I just let it be the way it was.
I will not lie. He is a fantastic kisser! And he has such a good body. You know, not the super duper I-can't-stand-you-for-the-love-of-god-eat-a-goddamn-hamburger-or-you'll-die kind of skinny, but not a fat-ass who never takes care of himself either. He was a happy median, and perfect for my happy median body as well. It just fit. I miss the physical things, not so much his personality.
Anyway, he was pulling away. I know at one point in those five months that he said I did things that reminded him of Cassee (His ex, pregnant girlfriend who caused a lot of shit in his life to go down and emotionally ruin him for a time being...) and that it's not me it's him.
He also was sick for a week and continued to be 'sick' for another week, thus forcefully putting distance between us then.
And then the following nights occurred within the last few weeks.
Aaron and I went to go see the midnight showing of Star Trek! Dun dun dun DUN! (Aaron and I, by the way, have become much closer thanks to Payden and mine's relationship.) We invited Payden, but he was too stuck up to go see a simple sci-fi film. "That looks like a stupid show. I don't watch that shit." [Mind you. His language is very vulgar and unnecessary.] So we went alone. Before we left however, Payden was off work, and I was driving home from work, and I asked him if I could come hang out with him before I left with Aaron to go to the movie. (I was going to anyway, whether he liked it or not.) He replied:
I have a lot of stuff to do
(No period, because he never uses grammar in his texting. I guess I'm just a super freak like that.) So I said, "Okay..." and called Aaron, who then allowed me to come over to HIS house. Well, when I came over, Payden was sitting on the couch with his headphones in and listening to music. He wasn't doing anything. That whole time. So I sat across the room and told Aaron about my adventures in work while Aaron played video games. (Because, you know, dudes. That's just what they do these days.)
Payden didn't even bother to say hi to me that night.
The same behavior happened again when all the friends were hanging out one Saturday night. This was May 18th, (and yes, I had to look at the computer calendar to get that date because I don't store crap like that in my memory for good reasons) the last Saturday we spent in our technical relationship. Let's be simple: he was odd, ignored me, and made me angry.
So naturally, I confronted him, because I felt that since we were this far into the relationship, I could do stuff like that without worrying about things getting wildly out of control, you know? He just claimed he was, "Listening to music", and proceeded to make the gathering of friends in the basement completely awkward and painful for me.
So I went home, crying, because I'm a girl and that's what emotionally distraught teenage girls do. They cry.
I didn't actually go home. I went to Discovery Park around 11 because I knew my parents were home and expecting me at midnight, and I didn't want them to see me crying. So I cried in my car in a park in the dark for a good long bit.
Then I snuck into my bedroom and cried there too.
My best friend in the whole wide world was so worried about me that night, but I was too embarrassed to cry and make him awkward, so I told him I'd talk to him in the morning.
He came over that Sunday morning to help me feel better and to keep me company. We analyzed everything that happened Saturday in minute detail, because best friends do that with each other without question.
Then Kaeli, the girl who I'm no longer friends with, called me saying that Payden wanted to talk to me, but at a park in Highland. (I'm sitting in my living room in Pleasant freaking Grove.)
Okay, hold on.
1. Why the hell would he not call me and tell me that himself? I AM his girlfriend, anyway.
2. Why Kaeli? Of all people, to call?
3. Why the hell is Kaeli WITH him if this is supposed to be a private matter?
and
4. Why a park?
Because I was already on the edge of an emotional breakdown, I asked Junior to come with me, even if that meant waiting in the car with me. He came with me, and as we were driving to the park, he was texting Kaeli.
In the long drive we took to get there, we found out that a.) it wasn't anything bad, it's actually really good [According to Kaeli and also since I was dreading a breakup], b.) it's good that Junior is coming along with me, and c.) most, if not all, the friends are there!
What.
WHAT.
Now I was really anxious, and starting to get a lot angry. Not a little. The anger just kind of spiked.
When we arrived, all the friends were gathered on the playset, and by then, I was shaking because I didn't know what was going to happen. I was angry with the idea that he was going to make a public apology in front of all my friends.
I was wearing a strapless shirt, so his first response when he saw me was, "You look Mexican."
Wrong move, buddy.
Now that he was on my shit list for that comment, everything else just broke the record for 'shittiest day in the book'.
Everyone was in a circle, looking at Payden and Aaron. Aaron came out as gay, happily, and we were all excited for him. Then Payden came out as bisexual, and everyone except Junior and I were happy and excited for him.
"Let's give Mindy a hug!" Kaeli exclaims, as if that was going to make everything just flipping okay.
Let's stop to consider for just a moment:
1. He just ended our relationship.
2. That same scenario already happened to me when I tried dating Junior, and he knew it.
and
3. You are supposed to tell your GIRLFRIEND who has had intimate experiences with you shit like that in PRIVATE.
Okay, continue.
"I'm sorry, Mindy," and he came at me with his arms outstretched, as if touching me was the greatest of ideas at the moment. That everything he had just thrown at me was totally okay and fine now. That everyone was happy and that a hug would solve world hunger.
I grudgingly hugged him back. I could tell the Kent and Aaron noticed my conflicted emotions across my face, but they were too smart to say anything. Brody was silent. Kaeli was beaming. Junior was solemn faced, knowing exactly what I knew: What a dumbass.
So after that was over, he continued to tell us that he was abused as a child, and that there were only really men in his life that made him happy, and that Cassee and his mother effed him up. Oh, but Mindy, you were one of the only girls who supported me and understood, so I guess you're okay. But yeah guys, I'm bi because I guess I really like guys too." He told us all about his mad desire to rape and murder, and that he has all of our deaths planned out. Then he told us about Warped Tour (Which I told him about originally) and how we should all go together, and then after that, go CAMPING! (Cue big bursting balls of sunshine surrounding a cheesy smiley face that will explode if he smiles a little bit more.)
Um, excuse me...
But didn't you just tell us that you were planning our deaths, only moments ago? And now you want us to go camping with you?
After that, I lied and said I left my brothers home alone, which everyone knew was a big fat lie because they all knew that my brothers could take care of themselves. Junior knew his cue, and we both got up. Payden got up to give me another hug, as if saying, "This is all just stupid and everything will be just normal, right?" I didn't even look at him. I just walked away.
I swear to god that out of the corner of my eye I saw Kent giving Payden a pat on the back, as if Payden realized suddenly that he just fucked everything up, and I almost felt bad. But then I didn't.
I wasn't even to my car before I was in tears. I drove dangerously home in tears. I bawled to my parents about everything in tears. My dad claimed that he knew there was something gay about Payden all along, which made me feel worse and burst into more tears.
Junior stayed with me the entire time.
Can I just point out?
When I dated Tyler, and he decided that he was really gay, he and I talked alone in my bedroom about it. He told me how he felt, and we privately discussed that everything was okay, all was forgiven, and that we would still be amazing friends. Then he told the friends a few days after telling me, to let things sink in.
He was completely respectful, a total gentleman, and the best friend I could ever have. So that is why our friendship hasn't been ruined. Of course, I was a tiny bit upset at the beginning, and only naturally.
Payden lost all respect from my parents, from my best friend, from me, and from my brothers. He lost a truly great girl, a really good girlfriend.
When Junior went home that night, I cried to myself for a long while, didn't get much sleep, and woke up with tears still wet on my cheeks that Monday morning. I went to school in tears, parked in a completely different spot from the normal spot that everyone parks in, ignored Kent when he tried to tap on my window that morning, wandered about the hallways in loneliness before class began, and dreaded lunch time.
When lunch did come, Julia and Brayden were by my side. I took Payden aside, privately, like how it should have been done all along because I am the bigger person, and told him that it was over.
His response: "I never really wanted to date anyway. I'm sure we can still be great friends."
Oh my god was he completely wrong. That douchebag. That tool. A whole summer later, I'm still angry at him. I have made a great point to not talk to him, even if we were alone in the same room for whatever reason.
And now he's going to Louisiana for school, according to Junior who got that information from Kaeli recently, and I'm rejoicing like the gays at gay pride do when they find their soulmate. He's also getting kicked out of Aaron's home since he abused their hospitality and is a complete dim-wad. He tried to date another girl (I know, I know, total slap to the face in the same burning spot, since according to him, he wanted to experiment with guys...ugh!), according to Aaron, afterwards, and I heard they ended up breaking up anyway and now he's alone again. Sweet, sweet justice.
OH! How Karma is served. Oh I'm so giddy and happy just thinking about it. I glow in his misery.
And no, that is NOT too harsh, considering what he did to me.
Listen, Ladies. Payden Judd is a dick. Leah was smart to get out of there when she did. He's not really bisexual. He just thought of one day having a guy suck on him rather than a girl, because apparently in his mind, it would somehow be different because men have different tongue structures than women. (Please do not think that that is the case. Everyone has the same type of tongue. God.)
Thanks for reading, my friends. I know, I'm a hilarious person. :D Just kidding, I'm not that cocky. I honestly just had to get it out of my system.
Over and Out!
Aug 1, 2013
August 1st
Finally, the end of the summer is drawing nearer. I have 20 days until Senior year truly begins, and all the hard work falls back into place once again. This year, for the first time, I am buying a yearbook. That way I can have memory of AF high and all the peers that will be affecting my life the very moment before I leave most of them for the big life in college.
One thing I realized is that the relationships you create with people in high school aren't going to matter when you get into college. Yes, there will be many of my peers attending UVU, but honestly? We'll all be trapped in our rooms writing essays and studying for tests. Or at least, that's how I'm prepared to see my life as. You'd be wise to expect the same.
I know the school will soon send that little letter in the mail explaining when the book depository opens and what time you ought to run and pick up your books. I'm hoping I won't have too many books.
Junior said he won't have a fourth period on B-days like me! We can party it up! And hopefully he'll have a job by then. In which case, he's really excited that he'll be able to buy me lunch rather than the other way round. (Since I've bought him sooo many things...)
I need a camera.
I just realized this. How else am I supposed to document high school with ease if I don't have a camera? Maybe my parents will let me take their camera every once in a while...perhaps I should look into those disposable cameras.
I've been drawing truly amazing things. (Amazing for me. I'm no professional artist, but HEY! Life-like pictures of the avengers? Pa-lease.) So naturally, I CANNOT wait for my art classes this coming year. I cannot. :D
And hooray! I'm taking physiology again. I took it in tenth grade, remember? I was a rockstar in that class. Well, I'm going to be a rockstar again!!! That's just another A to boost my GPA.
Guys, my goal this year is to get a 4.0 in all my classes. I don't have that many classes, and they aren't so difficult and so many that I would be overwhelmed. My only classes that would be difficult would be Latin, AP Biology, and possibly Ancient World History. That's it. I can focus on those! It's not like I have Math, Science, English, History, and Financial classes to contend with anymore. I'm a happy girl!
I decided that I really like being single. I love it. And I don't feel a need to explain these perfectly simple feelings to anyone.
Peace.
One thing I realized is that the relationships you create with people in high school aren't going to matter when you get into college. Yes, there will be many of my peers attending UVU, but honestly? We'll all be trapped in our rooms writing essays and studying for tests. Or at least, that's how I'm prepared to see my life as. You'd be wise to expect the same.
I know the school will soon send that little letter in the mail explaining when the book depository opens and what time you ought to run and pick up your books. I'm hoping I won't have too many books.
Junior said he won't have a fourth period on B-days like me! We can party it up! And hopefully he'll have a job by then. In which case, he's really excited that he'll be able to buy me lunch rather than the other way round. (Since I've bought him sooo many things...)
I need a camera.
I just realized this. How else am I supposed to document high school with ease if I don't have a camera? Maybe my parents will let me take their camera every once in a while...perhaps I should look into those disposable cameras.
I've been drawing truly amazing things. (Amazing for me. I'm no professional artist, but HEY! Life-like pictures of the avengers? Pa-lease.) So naturally, I CANNOT wait for my art classes this coming year. I cannot. :D
And hooray! I'm taking physiology again. I took it in tenth grade, remember? I was a rockstar in that class. Well, I'm going to be a rockstar again!!! That's just another A to boost my GPA.
Guys, my goal this year is to get a 4.0 in all my classes. I don't have that many classes, and they aren't so difficult and so many that I would be overwhelmed. My only classes that would be difficult would be Latin, AP Biology, and possibly Ancient World History. That's it. I can focus on those! It's not like I have Math, Science, English, History, and Financial classes to contend with anymore. I'm a happy girl!
I decided that I really like being single. I love it. And I don't feel a need to explain these perfectly simple feelings to anyone.
Peace.
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