I'm having a hard time deciding how I feel right now.
And when I say, "feel" I mean how my emotions are affecting my outward display to other people. I've been very sporadic, bipolar with my moods, one could say. One moment I'm incredibly happy because I'm with him, and the next I've fallen on my face in depression, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere.
This depression, as I've mentioned before in earlier posts, really doesn't have a root. It's just a buildup of things that have bothered me over time, and even though I've talked about them with other people, or I've solved them somewhere along the road, they still affect me like I've never felt before.
I feel that it's reared its ugly head recently because of the incidents from the past few weeks. Not to sound like I'm trying to beat other people's crappy lives with my own, but it's the worst that's happened to me ever.
For one thing, there have been two suicides within the past two weeks. One was a girl in American Fork that I honestly didn't know. I barely knew of the incident, thanks to Alex who sits across from me at my chemistry table. The other was a boy named Josh Garlick. I knew him. We had German together for two years. Dean always called him Bieber because of how he wore his hair. He seemed like he had a lot of friends, though I was never one to call him a friend because I didn't talk to him very much. Though I didn't know him, personally, I'm still having issues with this suicide, because I just don't know why he would do it. In my mind, all I can see over and over is the image of him committing the suicide, and I can't stop it. I don't know why. It's really hard to see all those affected at the school too. I have a problem with seeing my friends in pain for something that's happened. Katie has taken it pretty hard and it rips me up inside. I just don't know what to say to her...
Also, within the same two weeks, a murder was committed in American Fork as well. This one is closer to me, more touchy, because it was my boyfriend's nephew that was shot at five months old by his father. For a week Payden has been depressed. He still is, I suppose, but he doesn't let his friends see it. I can see it, sometimes. He has had so many bad things happen to him, and seeing this affect him has been the number one contributor to my feelings of sadness and hardship. Upon meeting more of his family at the funeral, I've begun to feel a real connection, and then it really is hard.
The Boston Marathon bombing is a given. That's just crappy all over. And to think my Almond almost went there to run a marathon...her life could have been so endangered...
My Grandpa More (Great Grandfather) is in the hospital, on his deathbed pretty much. I fear there's going to be another funeral to go to soon. I'm trying not to think too much in depth what this means. He was old, time for him to go, but still. He was my favorite grandfather. I sat on his lap whenever i could when I was a little girl. I loved him a lot. But the older I got, the older he got, we soon lost a connection we shared earlier, and all I saw in him was a suffering and forgetful old man who couldn't hear half of what I said. I hardly knew what to talk to him about anymore.
But he's still dying.
There are other stressing family problems going on too. Adoption crap is trying to be arranged, my mom's parents are taking in one of their grandparents, and it's all a big mess. I'm sure family gatherings are going to be a little rueful and difficult from now on.
Rachel's going on a mission soon. For a year and a half. I mean, it's not super long, but it's long, and I'm going to miss her so much!
And honestly, this isn't even that bad. Not really. Not compared to other people's lives. Payden's is far worse than mine, and it's so sad to think about...
I went fourwheeling for the first time on Sunday. So that is a major plus. I mean, who could say their lives have been bad after fourwheeling with her boyfriend's family, AND being liked by them? Pretty good. I don't know what my problem is.
Whatever. I'm done typing now. So...goodnight.
That's what I call an awkward goodbye. It's not even nighttime.