My best friend wants to write a novel. I think it's awesome, considering I love writing and want to carry out my own novel as well. I think it's pretty cool, and to back him up and to keep him inspired and doing it, I told him that I would be there for him if he ever wants me to read his work. I want to read it. I want to see what ideas he has, just as I want to read Stephen King or Oscar Wilde.
What I can't help but thinking, though, is that no one has ever wanted to read my writing. Not my friends, not even my parents really. I mean, they say they do, but I give them a chapter and they totally forget about it or they don't have time.
My cousin doesn't even show an interest in reading my novel. She's not big into reading, but I still read every little thing she writes because I love her and I'm proud of what she does. Despite what she thinks, she CAN write, and she writes beautifully. A heartbreaking thing for me to endure, however, is the loss and emptiness of those words I give to her. For me, it's a cut in my heart.
My friends are a totally different story.
I'll finish writing a short story, and I'll be very proud of it, and then I'll go to school and give subtle hints to them; such as: "I just barely finished writing a short story that I've been working on for a while. Cool right?" Their response: "Yeah, cool. Hey, ever heard about the cheerleaders?"
So you see? My attempts are in vain. They aren't interested in the words that I poor my soul into. They say they know me, but they never will until they read my writing or they visit my blog, which they'll never think of doing unless I literally approach them and say, "Hey, I wrote a novel and I want you to read it, because if you don't, I won't consider you a good friend."
I know what you're thinking. "Why not do it?"
The thing is, I want to give my friends a chance to be good friends. I want to wait and see how many hints I have to throw out in order to get their attention. I want to know if they ever think about me. I wonder if I'm even a subject they talk about, or if I'm just there. Do they ever think, "I want to go out tonight. Who should I call? Tyler? Junior? Bray Bray? Brody?" Of course...not Mindy.
Their problems are much bigger and more important than building a friendship with me. I am going to be narcissistic for a minute and say yeah, I'm a pretty awesome and appropriate friend to have. I live by great standards, despite my atheist views and the influences I live around. And when they care more about gossip and "seizure kid" and dirty jokes than me, then it's an insult to me and my seemingly "decided" choice of high school friends.
Some of them just don't appreciate books and writing and media that really inspires. They worship, instead, music with heavy sexual content and film and video games. They have first world problems, completely oblivious to their surroundings, and they might say their minds are open, but it isn't true. Their minds aren't TRULY open. They don't consider things from every view.
The thing is, however, if I run off and get new friends, it would be the same thing all over again. Unless I advertise my writing like a glowing billboard of a hamburger, I'm not going to get spiking interest and appreciation for the labor I put into my work. So I just get to sit and nod and smile, because that's all my friends must think I do.
I'm growing apart specifically from Kaylynn, who outwardly shows her utter focus, care, and only tolerance for her boyfriend. I said before that I've done so much for her and got nothing in return, and now it's starting to really bother me. Her attitude now is even more bothersome. She just expects me to be her best friend, despite the shit she puts me through emotionally and mentally. Every day I have to smile and nod whenever she brings up Nahuel, as if it isn't a stab in my heart to know that she cares so much about him and only a tiny bit about me.
I think I'm going to stop lending her my math homework. It's seriously the only thing that I feel is connecting us now. The fact that she doesn't get her homework done and earns a grade from the work that I did is starting to wear on me. I'm stupid for letting it happen in the first place, I know, but the only reason why I continued was because there would be miracle times when I would forget to do my homework or some problems and she would have it done, and then she'd find it fair to let me do the same. Of course, that isn't often at all, and I usually feel bad after doing it.
My point for bringing this up is because of a memory I always dwell on when I think about sharing my writing with friends. Unfortunately it comes from a dark time when I was Brody's girlfriend, but it wasn't a total horror. Actually, Brody had tried to write a journalistic book somewhat about his life, and I had no idea about it until Kaylynn brought it up one time. Then Brody let me read some of it and I had found out that Kaylynn enthusiastically read it, and was waiting impatiently for more that he wouldn't write.
Amazing, isn't it? Kaylynn would read anything her messed up admirer would write, but not her best friend's writing?
Even Brett read chapter one of my novel when it was crap.
I suppose I'm just deeply hurt. For me, writing is something so precious and expressing. It's an art, and not being able to share this art with a friend because they reject it is the same as her prettily decorated nails clawing my soul. She's rejecting who I really am.
I never expected my current friends to really want to read my writing, which was why these feelings have only simmered. Just now that my best friend suddenly has an interest in pursing what I want, I'm starting to feel a tugging, almost a tearing, at my emotional composition. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I'm finally being a teenage drama queen, or if these feelings of not being close to my friends in this sense is legitimate. Either way, I'm hurt now. Deeply.