Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Jun 30, 2015

Video Games as a Poison

Have I ever written about my distaste for video games? Now don't get me wrong, Brody has actually gotten me to play Lego Harry Potter with him which are some of the only games I will ever really play aside from Kingdom Hearts. But those aren't the kinds of video games that I have a distaste for.

The Call of Duty, Halo, Shoot 'em up games is a good example of what I mean. While I don't see the point in general, I also see the affects it has on both my young brothers and my close friends. Video games, in my eyes, instills a sickness that I had never realized could exist until the generations became more and more video game savvy. It started with my family, with Tyler's aggression after playing a violent video game, his name calling, his dishonesty, everything. I saw David's inability to live without playing the video game for even an hour through his laziness, and I saw Ryan's passive-addictive behaviors around it.

Then I realized my friends were subject to it as well. Throughout high school I saw them bring their Nintendo's to school, their Gameboys, their cellphone games. I thought it was odd that they had to do that at school, but what really hit me is when I started dating Brody and Payden and Kaden that video games started to become an actual social event. The normal conversation and loving interaction was lost with the sucking void of the TV and the pretty colors it could produce.

It's so weird to see the glazed over look they all have when they play those video games. I feel incredibly left out around my friends when they are playing games, because I have no interest in it and I don't understand it at all.

Like I said, to me, it's a poison.

And I've seen so much of this. And it frightens me for the future of our peers.


I explained a bit of my wanderlust in the last entry. I explained how it torments me, twists my insides and makes me throw up desire. It's that monkey on your back that knocks on your head and picks at your hair and won't ever leave you alone. It consumes you and abuses you and rattles your bones, demanding that you quell it's need for exploration. It drives you nuts.

And when you're in a relationship, all you ever want to do is share that excitement and passion with them and hope that they'd want to come with you wherever you might go.

I discovered the hard way that not everyone is like me, even the boy that I want to give my life to.

It kind of hurts.

Jun 18, 2015

Wanderlust - A Story of How I Just Can't Even

So with all the time that has passed, all those months spent not writing a goddamn thing about my life, that empty void that I left you hanging in, I realize that I have so much to say about what has happened and have been so incompetent about getting it written. I can blame school, because it is not only mentally exhausting, but emotionally and physically. (It's a big fucking campus.) But now that school is out, and has been out since the beginning of May, I have no excuse. I could try and blame my job, which is a boring call center job that you can read more about later on, but even though it feels mentally trying, it really isn't. It's no where near physically altering in any sense except for maybe my lumpy soft body becoming, well, even more lumpy and soft.

But hey, at least I'm doing it at all, even if it is a millennia late.

It's actually been a rough couple of weeks, even though it's summer time and I should be enjoying life and having fun. I've been working a ton, but that's not necessarily the hard part. One year ago I was swept away by Almond and Gary and taken to Paris and Germany for my graduation present. I could try and gush on and on about the experience, how absolutely stunning it was, new, exciting, thrilling, etc., etc. But I don't think Almond and Gary knew exactly what they were going to do to me long term by taking me to Europe so young.

Ever heard of Wanderlust? I thought you might.

It's funny. I am so wholly and entirely consumed by this need to get away from home and explore what the world has to offer to me, but I don't view it as a constant vacation I need. I know that traveling can be stressful and hard and not always like a vacation. That's what I crave though, the challenge to get around, the reward to experience afterward. It's all something I strive for. It holds me hostage, almost, this need to get away. This need to walk our earth and participate in something that isn't mine. Ah, the lust, the bug that creates this disease of desire. It's gotten me exploring any option that might let me travel. I know for a fact that everywhere I went in Germany, I had a smile on my face.

Oh, there were long days of walking and walking and walking. Bu that was enjoyable for me! There was confusion with the train systems and fear of some of the people around me, but that was the challenge!

I am currently planning to save enough money for myself and Brody to go to the UK in a couple of years. Hypothetically, it would be for a honeymoon, just depending on how things go.

The unfortunate part about this twisting, conniving feeling inside is that it is a very expensive desire. I don't have the means right now to go places like that on a whim. So I've been looking into different ways to get me places.

There are stewardesses with free flights, international cruiselines for exploring workers, travel agents with very good travel discounts, WOLF-ing for living freely and lightly, and much much, more. I'm just held down, a little bit, by the pressure of getting a degree in college and a boyfriend who wants to remain where he is.

Oh yeah, college? I'm wishy washy about it now. Right? Like I was going to become this kickass  surgeon and fulfill 13 years of medical school, then I was going to be a chemical engineer and all that jazz, but then I realized that being stuck in an office, despite my love for science, was not something I wanted to do. Not at all. I wanted to get out and explore and make money.

Does this mean I have to take entrepreneur classes? How am I going to make money? I guess I'll just have to figure it out.

Oh but this trip was definitely a good one.

Mar 2, 2015

A Year Gone By, Yet a Life Well Lived

I never really thought that I would say the very words that I said this morning. I had always found those words unequivocally saved for seven or ten years down the road. In fact, I'm almost positive I might have said them too early, like the way Ted screwed things up with Robin in the first episode of How I Met Your Mother. I kind of found myself dumb-founded in the shower tonight, eyes wide, shampoo dripping down my face, just praying that I didn't say something that I could possibly regret.

I've said a lot of regretful things in my life, but none quite so much as this could possibly be.

But before I really delve deep, I have to say, GUYS! (What "guys" might even be reading.) It's been a year. And yet, I haven't forgotten about this blog. It's come close, but I've written too many things for me to just throw it all away. I've spent countless hours pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet. And for what? I don't gain anything from it, except maybe a sense of relief.

To be honest, this is much different from writing in a journal. No one reads a journal except the writer. It's such a lonely, bottled up world in that little journal, whereas on a blog, where there is a slight chance that anyone could read it, you're setting yourself up for an opportunity to share your feelings with someone else and know that it was read and contemplated, and not just shut away. It's healing, almost.

No, this is not some lead into a terribly sad tale of woe, as my beginning paragraph might hint to you.

Actually, if you're up to it, it's another love story. A special kind of story, something that you'd watch on a drama-thriller TV show. Or maybe a bestselling-book-inspired movie. It's one of those stories that will warm your heart, possibly make the haters hate a lot, and realize that maybe you might be looking too far away for that one person.

Oh, and no, this is not a settling down story. Yet.

Do you remember the countless nights spent reading about this unnamed boy I dated years back in 9th grade? It was 2011, and I had written 133 blog posts for that year. They were amateur and incredibly goofy windows into my life, but I wouldn't trade them for anything, because they are documentation of my very first relationship.

Following his story, I've dated three other boys. Though the second one is my best gay friend and doesn't really count, I did kiss him. Twice. You've read about Payden, and the monstrosity of a relationship that was. But I vaguely wrote about Kaden, who, by chance, happened to be Almond's nephew and an emotionally big mistake. But maybe I'll write about that one some other time. This story, for now, has a better twist.

When something as drastic as ending a friendship occurs, the last thing you'd ever expect to happen is unconscious retaliation. Kaeli was dating Brody, my very first relationship and my 9th grade sweetheart, whilst the fighting and the revenge and the nonchalant glares continued endlessly. Those two dated for nearly two years, and I had completely given up on seeing Brody as a friend ever again. In that time, I had gotten over Payden, had a disastrously heartbreaker-relationship with Kaden, graduated proudly with friends and family watching me, and embraced my single life once more during the hot and heavy summer days.

There was this little Facebook notification for me at the end of July, that sort of changed the course of my life completely.

It was almost like Magic.

He invited me to have tea with him. And my god, it had been so long. I was so ecstatic to hear from him after all this time! In fact, I was so overwhelmed with shock, that Kaeli had unfairly passed through my mind, and when I told Brayden and Tyler about this, I could only just imagine what kind of angry Kaeli would be if she found out I was hanging out with her boyfriend again, just like that first time when we went golfing together. The last thing I needed was her trying to start rumors again.

Oh but who cared? I got to see my friend again! So Monday, July 28th, we met up at the mall to have some tea together.

How can I describe that moment? The moment when he stepped around the corner and saw me? When I saw him? He had grown into himself since I last saw him. He found a way to tame his brilliantly curly hair ever so slightly, found that smirk that made my heart skip a beat the first time I saw it. He drew me into a hug so tight, that I swear he was making up for the time lost between us as friends.

And hot damn, this new man I discovered was not only astoundingly attractive, but warm and excited and happy.

And that was when I discovered he and Kaeli broke up a week ago.

Monday was such a good day. I remember every single moment of that day, because I held on to every last bit with pleasure. We had tea and we talked and we talked and we laughed and we smiled. We went to Jack and Jill's and we bowled a few games, him wasting me every time. We played a few rounds of pool, him wasting me every time except once. Then we talked, while sitting in the trunk of his car. We talked and talked and talked.

And then I offered to read his cards, so that led us to my home. Then that led us to my bed, to rest for a bit.

My head was close to his, we were laying next to each other. And dammit, before I knew it my head was on his chest. I didn't know where control went--most likely out the window--and I didn't care. From that point, I looked at him once, and we kissed. It was like I had been a plain old wick doused in glorious flame for the second time. A second first kiss. A dream solidified to memory.

That pent up emotion, that tension that followed us throughout the day, it rose above us and over us and smothered us until the kisses grew heavier. I had only just seen him for the first time today, and yet my shirt was on the floor. I will never disregard those sex-crazed movie scenes where it seems control was specifically removed for plot. Because with feelings like the ones that night, there was no control. We left my home for "drinks". But we really just went to the store for something we both needed. And story made short, I made love for the first time in months to a guy I had only just met once again.

And I even had the balls to call it a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship.

Oh but who was I kidding? It was a relationship, as quickly as making love had come to us.

College started, after years of anticipation and waiting, and he was the one to see me off to my future.

I met his friends, who all loved me so. I re-met his family, who took to me kindly for a second time.  I slammed my fingernail in the car door and bled like a crazy person shortly after being completely promiscuous with him. We rediscovered the very first slow song we danced to. Recently, we had our second Valentine's day together. I realized that it was truly just a continuation of the relationship I left behind, but better, with more maturity and wisdom and happiness.

And guess what? I've broken my 4 month dating curse. Brody and I are at seven months.

But like I said before, something also happened. I said something I never thought I would say in a million years, but I said it, and I'm coming to wonder if it was the right thing to say or not.

But this morning, after waking up with him and kissing him and holding him, I looked him in the eyes, full of emotion just as passionately strong as that first night we spent together, and said, "Brody, I think I would marry you one day."

And he said back, "I would love to have you as my wife when that time comes."

And I wonder. Could this possibly be it?