Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Nov 1, 2013

Artistic Abilities Challenged

Sometimes I look at the world around me and think, "Monsters. The lot of them!" Because when you think monster, I'm sure that in  your mind's eye you see something huge and scaly and dripping with slime. Some people might picture a hated person as the monster in their life.

I see both.

I see Monsters in Society.

Now, see, don't wriggle too much. Don't read this and think, "What the hell is she talking about?" It's very relevant. You'll see. I promise.


I made it into AP Art. I transferred out from my Teacher Assistant role in my beloved Physiology teacher's class to join a high-end, probably-filled-with-scholarships art class. But I transferred in after one quarter, so I'm a bit behind. I'm supposed to do 12 concentrations and 12 breadths for my 24 piece portfolio at the end of the AP year to get a score. Supposedly you have to have 3 concentrations and 3 breadths done by now. I've only just finished one little breadth.

For my concentration, I have to have a repeating theme in 12 pieces of work that has a meaning behind it, and I didn't know what I was going to do for the longest time. But just recently I decided that I'm going to do (Yes, you guessed it!) Monsters in Society.

It is legitimately images of realistic looking monsters in societal roles and demonstrating how conforming to society has turned us into a monster. For example, I've begun a picture of a female celebrity with three heads and fins in a woman's body, very thin and very pretty, in a spotlight on the red carpet.

Commonly, people say, "Oh but it's just a celebrity. She's so beautiful!" Exactly. They are connected to the media, and the media is what is negatively influencing people all over the world. I am media right now, and I could be negatively influencing you right now, since I'm taking hate about media. (What a confusing logic we endure.)

I'm not always confident in my artistic abilities, especially now that I've seen some of what other people have done in my new class. (There are some real artists in there.) But I know that for my own race against personal status, I can do my best in this moment. She's turned out so well so far.

So wish me luck in my endeavors in drawing awesome monsters for the AP guys. I hope that's unique enough for them. 

Sep 21, 2013

Kaeli's Rampage takes another Turn

Kaeli has decided to take it upon herself to tell all her "friends" around the school that I had taken her boyfriend into my room, had a wild sex affair, and that she had to call my mother to find us.

First of all, she doesn't have my mom's number. That's bullshit.

Second of all, we went golfing, that one day long long ago, for twenty minutes before she interrupted.

Third of all, after everything she's told about poor Brody's dick and all her sexual experiences, the thought of even...AGG. I can't even type it it's so rottenly disgusting.

That's where her problem lies, you see. Notice how she thinks it's okay to tell the whole school about her sex life? She doesn't even realize it, but she really is putting her boyfriend down. His image is being shattered by her constant descriptions and chattering. He is seemingly more impure more and more, and I wonder if it's because Kaeli wants her boyfriend to be lowered to her status.

It's no secret that she's slept around with a couple of guys. (Mostly fat, ugly ones if you ask me.) It's obvious that she's spoiled and has nicer things. And it's very frank that she's a little messed up emotionally and mentally, because she cannot seem to let this go.

I understand that yes, she was the victim, and it always hurts worse when you are the target. But I only told her the truth. Truth hurts, Kaeli, I'm sorry, but you need to learn that soon. She was, also, caught off guard, but I don't give a flying fuck if she was. Too bad.

I'd like to point out one little thing.

How is it that she can tell rotten lies about her boyfriend and I, making her boyfriend look JUST AS BAD, yet manage to still love him and shit? Jesus. Does she even let him SPEAK to another girl?

Whatever it is that's going on, I just want her to know that the reason why she doesn't have any friends any more is because she needs to get her shit together and chill the fuck out. She needs to let go of the past, stop spreading rumors, and quit being a completely self-centered bitch all the time.

And if Kaeli ever in a million years really does read this post, then: Sorry, but it's the truth.

Sep 12, 2013

Stupid Kids.

I just want to gracefully and delicately explain my almost certain hatred for the peers at my school. Them with their Caucasian afros, low riding pants, sense of invincibility, and noses turned up to the skies because frankly, they believe that the gods had made them just because they're on the student council.

Well I don't think they're made of gold. They're made of shit. They are fake, annoying, and frankly, quite stupid despite taking certain levels of classes. Socially, they are disgusting invaders who think they are "da bomb diggity". Good god.

All my friends and family are off to Disneyland right now. :\ What's the deal? Posting pictures of the Magic Kingdom and making me wish to be there more than anything? I haven't been there since 2004. Yeah, so many new and cool crap has gone up since then. I'm so jealous. >:|

I've recently recovered from an almost surgical status pain this last week. Oh man, so intense, but I can't tell the internet world  what it was about, because, well, it involved the female parts. I'm all better now! That's all that matters!

Stupid high School. I want to be done with that hell hole and graduate. :\

Aug 15, 2013

Time to Celebrate - The recountance of the Breakup

"I've just seen a face
I can't forget the time or place
Where we just meet
She's just the girl for me
And want all the world to see
We've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never been aware
But as it is I'll dream of her
Tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di

Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling
Me back again" - The Beattles

Yes, I am obsessed with this song. I will not lie. Now I REALLY need to see the movie, right? It makes me want to get up and dance. Too bad it's only a minute long, basically. :\

That's not what I wanted to write about, actually. I just thought that I would interject with that.

My real reason for writing to you tonight is just so:

So what do ya think? It's winning material, right? That, my friends, is the product of two  brilliant cousins at work on a contest piece in the South Jordan Chalk Festival last weekend. That, my friends, won first place in the adult category. $100 bucks to Target baby!!

Also, can I just say? Chalk the Block 2013 is going to be bitchin! I've got a fantastic idea that I won't leak on here just yet. It will blow your mindz guyz!

Another thing:

Oh my girl whose name is Hannah! School is in less than a week. You know why this is huge!


I know, I know, hold your applause. Heh heh. I'm too exited for my own good. I've got my wardrobe all set, my car almost, life is finally feeling okay right now, and I think I've healed enough in the emotional sense to finally tell you guys what really happened between ex boyfriend and I. (Though I'm not completely healed, considering I still want to tell you guys about this, whereas I would normally not really care to tell you guys. That made no sense.)

Payden and I hung out with the friends at the beginning of January; totally chill and friendly, we were all, "Yeah man, that's cool stuff. We can like, totally be friends. Yeah. That's cool."

And then two days later, he texts me saying he "misses me". And then we were a couple. (I've now decided that he just missed the company of a girl, but spiced it up to make me more compliant to his needs.)

Our relationship became a huge thing amongst the friends, totally unexpected, the unlikeliest of people! As he liked to phrase it, "shit just happened."

So then on, I was a happyish girl with a "cool" dude, who I tried to downplay the tool-ish-ness in.

He took me to my first concert, we growled at each other, he sometimes let me relinquish that sudden feeling to bite his shoulder, my first fourwheeling experience was with his family, and we had other very new and first-timing experiences that I probably will never forget.

End of the school year comes along, and he's getting ready to rejoice in the beauty that is graduating. I honestly thought it was just stress, but everyone except him was relaxing and kicking up their legs since all the big assignments were done and out of the way. He began to pull away once May hit.

I should have seen it coming then, but I was too ignorant and hopeful.

Here's the thing guys, after the first two weeks of our relationship, I was sort of-kind of happy. Not completely, like how I am with my best friends. He was a hard person to talk about feelings with, and I often felt like I had to be someone else to impress him. He definitely toughened me up too. If I were to say, eh, I don't know, OUCH!, his response would be just so: "Hah, please, that didn't hurt. I'll give you something to say ow about." Everyone dismissed it as just him, since he was such a 'badass' all the time anyway. *COUGH* tool *COUGH*. So I just let it be the way it was.

I will not lie. He is a fantastic kisser! And he has such a good body. You know, not the super duper I-can't-stand-you-for-the-love-of-god-eat-a-goddamn-hamburger-or-you'll-die kind of skinny, but not a fat-ass who never takes care of himself either. He was a happy median, and perfect for my happy median body as well. It just fit. I miss the physical things, not so much his personality.

Anyway, he was pulling away. I know at one point in those five months that he said I did things that reminded him of Cassee (His ex, pregnant girlfriend who caused a lot of shit in his life to go down and emotionally ruin him for a time being...) and that it's not me it's him.

He also was sick for a week and continued to be 'sick' for another week, thus forcefully putting distance between us then.

And then the following nights occurred within the last few weeks.

Aaron and I went to go see the midnight showing of Star Trek! Dun dun dun DUN! (Aaron and I, by the way, have become much closer thanks to Payden and mine's relationship.) We invited Payden, but he was too stuck up to go see a simple sci-fi film. "That looks like a stupid show. I don't watch that shit." [Mind you. His language is very vulgar and unnecessary.] So we went alone. Before we left however, Payden was off work, and I was driving home from work, and I asked him if I could come hang out with him before I left with Aaron to go to the movie. (I was going to anyway, whether he liked it or not.) He replied:

I have a lot of stuff to do

(No period, because he never uses grammar in his texting. I guess I'm just a super freak like that.) So I said, "Okay..." and called Aaron, who then allowed me to come over to HIS house. Well, when I came over, Payden was sitting on the couch with his headphones in and listening to music. He wasn't doing anything. That whole time. So I sat across the room and told Aaron about my adventures in work while Aaron played video games. (Because, you know, dudes. That's just what they do these days.)

Payden didn't even bother to say hi to me that night.

The same behavior happened again when all the friends were hanging out one Saturday night. This was May 18th, (and yes, I had to look at the computer calendar to get that date because I don't store crap like that in my memory for good reasons) the last Saturday we spent in our technical relationship. Let's be simple: he was odd, ignored me, and made me angry.

So naturally, I confronted him, because I felt that since we were this far into the relationship, I could do stuff like that without worrying about things getting wildly out of control, you know? He just claimed he was, "Listening to music", and proceeded to make the gathering of friends in the basement completely awkward and painful for me.

So I went home, crying, because I'm a girl and that's what emotionally distraught teenage girls do. They cry.

I didn't actually go home. I went to Discovery Park around 11 because I knew my parents were home and expecting me at midnight, and I didn't want them to see me crying. So I cried in my car in a park in the dark for a good long bit.

Then I snuck into my bedroom and cried there too.

My best friend in the whole wide world was so worried about me that night, but I was too embarrassed to cry and make him awkward, so I told him I'd talk to him in the morning.

He came over that Sunday morning to help me feel better and to keep me company. We analyzed everything that happened Saturday in minute detail, because best friends do that with each other without question.

Then Kaeli, the girl who I'm no longer friends with, called me saying that Payden wanted to talk to me, but at a park in Highland.  (I'm sitting in my living room in Pleasant freaking Grove.)

Okay, hold on.

1. Why the hell would he not call me and tell me that himself? I AM his girlfriend, anyway.
2. Why Kaeli? Of all people, to call?
3. Why the hell is Kaeli WITH him if this is supposed to be a private matter?
4. Why a park?

Because I was already on the edge of an emotional breakdown, I asked Junior to come with me, even if that meant waiting in the car with me. He came with me, and as we were driving to the park, he was texting Kaeli.

In the long drive we took to get there, we found out that a.) it wasn't anything bad, it's actually really good [According to Kaeli and also since I was dreading a breakup], b.) it's good that Junior is coming along with me, and c.) most, if not all, the friends are there!



Now I was really anxious, and starting to get a lot angry. Not a little. The anger just kind of spiked.

When we arrived, all the friends were gathered on the playset, and by then, I was shaking because I didn't know what was going to happen. I was angry with the idea that he was going to make a public apology in front of all my friends.

I was wearing a strapless shirt, so his first response when he saw me was, "You look Mexican."

Wrong move, buddy.

Now that he was on my shit list for that comment, everything else just broke the record for 'shittiest day in the book'.

Everyone was in a circle, looking at Payden and Aaron. Aaron came out as gay, happily, and we were all excited for him. Then Payden came out as bisexual, and everyone except Junior and I were happy and excited for him.

"Let's give Mindy a hug!" Kaeli exclaims, as if that was going to make everything just flipping okay.

Let's stop to consider for just a moment:

1. He just ended our relationship.
2. That same scenario already happened to me when I tried dating Junior, and he knew it.
3. You are supposed to tell your GIRLFRIEND who has had intimate experiences with you shit like that in PRIVATE.

Okay, continue.

"I'm sorry, Mindy," and he came at me with his arms outstretched, as if touching me was the greatest of ideas at the moment. That everything he had just thrown at me was totally okay and fine now. That everyone was happy and that a hug would solve world hunger.

I grudgingly hugged him back. I could tell the Kent and Aaron noticed my conflicted emotions across my face, but they were too smart to say anything. Brody was silent. Kaeli was beaming. Junior was solemn faced, knowing exactly what I knew: What a dumbass.

So after that was over, he continued to tell us that he was abused as a child, and that there were only really men in his life that made him happy, and that Cassee and his mother effed him up. Oh, but Mindy, you were one of the only girls who supported me and understood, so I guess you're okay. But yeah guys, I'm bi because I guess I really like guys too." He told us all about his mad desire to rape and murder, and that he has all of our deaths planned out.  Then he told us about Warped Tour (Which I told him about originally) and how we should all go together, and then after that, go CAMPING! (Cue big bursting balls of sunshine surrounding a cheesy smiley face that will explode if he smiles a little bit more.)

Um, excuse me...

But didn't you just tell us that you were planning our deaths, only moments ago? And now you want us to go camping with you?

After that, I lied and said I left my brothers home alone, which everyone knew was a big fat lie because they all knew that my brothers could take care of themselves. Junior knew his cue, and we both got up. Payden got up to give me another hug, as if saying, "This is all just stupid and everything will be just normal, right?" I didn't even look at him. I just walked away.

I swear to god that out of the corner of my eye I saw Kent giving Payden a pat on the back, as if Payden realized suddenly that he just fucked everything up, and I almost felt bad. But then I didn't.

I wasn't even to my car before I was in tears. I drove dangerously home in tears. I bawled to my parents about everything in tears. My dad claimed that he knew there was something gay about Payden all along, which made me feel worse and burst into more tears.

Junior stayed with me the entire time.

Can I just point out?

When I dated Tyler, and he decided that he was really gay, he and I talked alone in my bedroom about it. He told me how he felt, and we privately discussed that everything was okay, all was forgiven, and that we would still be amazing friends. Then he told the friends a few days after telling me, to let things sink in.

He was completely respectful, a total gentleman, and the best friend I could ever have. So that is why our friendship hasn't been ruined. Of course, I was a tiny bit upset at the beginning, and only naturally.

Payden lost all respect from my parents, from my best friend, from me, and from my brothers. He lost a truly great girl, a really good girlfriend.

When Junior went home that night, I cried to myself for a long while, didn't get much sleep, and woke up with tears still wet on my cheeks that Monday morning. I went to school in tears, parked in a completely different spot from the normal spot that everyone parks in, ignored Kent when he tried to tap on my window that morning, wandered about the hallways in loneliness before class began, and dreaded lunch time.

When lunch did come, Julia and Brayden were by my side. I took Payden aside, privately, like how it should have been done all along because I am the bigger person, and told him that it was over.

His response: "I never really wanted to date anyway. I'm sure we can still be great friends."

Oh my god was he completely wrong. That douchebag. That tool. A whole summer later, I'm still angry at him. I have made a great point to not talk to him, even if we were alone in the same room for whatever reason.

And now he's going to Louisiana for school, according to Junior who got that information from Kaeli recently, and I'm rejoicing like the gays at gay pride do when they find their soulmate. He's also getting kicked out of Aaron's home since he abused their hospitality and is a complete dim-wad. He tried to date another girl (I know, I know, total slap to the face in the same burning spot, since according to him, he wanted to experiment with guys...ugh!), according to Aaron, afterwards, and I heard they ended up breaking up anyway and now he's alone again. Sweet, sweet justice.

OH! How Karma is served. Oh I'm so giddy and happy just thinking about it. I glow in his misery.

And no, that is NOT too harsh, considering what he did to me.

Listen, Ladies. Payden Judd is a dick. Leah was smart to get out of there when she did. He's not really bisexual. He just thought of one day having a guy suck on him rather than a girl, because apparently in his mind, it would somehow be different because men have different tongue structures than women. (Please do not think that that is the case. Everyone has the same type of tongue. God.)

 Thanks for reading, my friends. I know, I'm a hilarious person. :D Just kidding, I'm not that cocky. I honestly just had to get it out of my system.

Over and Out!

Aug 1, 2013

August 1st

Finally, the end of the summer is drawing nearer. I have 20 days until Senior year truly begins, and all the hard work falls back into place once again. This year, for the first time, I am buying a yearbook. That way I can have memory of AF high and all the peers that will be affecting my life the very moment before I leave most of them for the big life in college.

One thing I realized is that the relationships you create with people in high school aren't going to matter when you get into college. Yes, there will be many of my peers attending UVU, but honestly? We'll all be trapped in our rooms writing essays and studying for tests. Or at least, that's how I'm prepared to see my life as. You'd be wise to expect the same.

I know the school will soon send that little letter in the mail explaining when the book depository opens and what time you ought to run and pick up your books. I'm hoping I won't have too many books.

Junior said he won't have a fourth period on B-days like me! We can party it up! And hopefully he'll have a job by then. In which case, he's really excited that he'll be able to buy me lunch rather than the other way round. (Since I've bought him sooo many things...)

I need a camera.

I just realized this. How else am I supposed to document high school with ease if I don't have a camera? Maybe my parents will let me take their camera every once in a while...perhaps I should look into those disposable cameras.

I've been drawing truly amazing things. (Amazing for me. I'm no professional artist, but HEY! Life-like pictures of the avengers? Pa-lease.) So naturally, I CANNOT wait for my art classes this coming year. I cannot. :D

And hooray! I'm taking physiology again. I took it in tenth grade, remember? I was a rockstar in that class. Well, I'm going to be a rockstar again!!! That's just another A to boost my GPA.

Guys, my goal this year is to get a 4.0 in all my classes. I don't have that many classes, and they aren't so difficult and so many that I would be overwhelmed. My only classes that would be difficult would be Latin, AP Biology, and possibly Ancient World History. That's it. I can focus on those! It's not like I have Math, Science, English, History, and Financial classes to contend with anymore. I'm a happy girl!

I decided that I really like being single. I love it. And I don't feel a need to explain these perfectly simple feelings to anyone.


Jul 17, 2013


It's hard to express feelings in writing, especially in the heat of the moment. When your head is reeling, trying to tell you to be logical about your decisions, your heart is wanting something completely different. Everyone thinks that a security in one another for an extended amount of time is the best way to go, never mind the heartache and destruction of emotions if all goes badly. I know I should stop where I'm at and change my directive. Look at what happened the last time! I ended up with a butchered taste for love. I blatantly said I wanted no part of this, and even so, it came out meaningless. Will history repeat itself as it always does? As it so cleverly did previously? Will my desire overpower my mind for peace, or will I speak heavily and truthfully, and carry out that promise?

I still grieve for the moments spent and lost with him. When I feel that I am close to forgetting, I find that I have not forgiven. As much of an insensitive boy as he was, or how much of a tool is he now, he had moments that became the reason that I still thought to carry on. And now, when I smell a certain fragrance, or I see his face in my mind; when I hear his name, I feel as though I might crumble. There's no going back, but sometimes I feel like there's no going forward. I have bigger and better dreams to attend to, so these feelings are petty and dramatic, but they only worsen now because of Kaden...because he has to appear and be nice and kind and nerdy, and because I'm considering all that I went through again for him. I only ask, will it be worth it? Will I be the reaper of the relationship and break his heart as mine was broken? Or will I give in and risk my emotions for another teenage boy?

Jul 7, 2013

Summer fun

I was reading over past blog posts, giggling about my younger stupidities in writing what I did, and wondering what on earth I had been thinking when I complained over and over that my life was one big repetitive mess.

Actually, false. It was true that my life was boring and routinely. No question about it, because work and school only left so much time for anything else.

See, this is why I love summer so much! I have so much more time to do anything I want to! Though I have to struggle to keep the spending at a minimum, I've already done so many things in one month than I might have done in a whole semester! Hiking, bowling, swimming, Lagoon, chalk art, discovering a new piece to my future, making a new friend, Cartoon conventions, Warped tour and other concerts, taking in a homeless teenager, riding frontrunner, etc. I mean, seriously! I've been everywhere! My poor Edgar can't take it anymore, I swear. He has so many miles on him...

The best part about summer, however, is the tank tops and the shorts and the warmth. I don't have to go outside worrying about how cold it's going to be. Only how hot it will be. I'd much rather be hot than cold.

The only thing I dislike about it, is how hot my freaking car gets when sitting in the sun for an hour. The seat belt burns my leg every time I get in.

Oddly enough, I've accomplished so many more things this summer even after losing two specific people than I did last year when my life was perfectly okay. Maybe it's me seeking out as much adventure as I can possibly muster! And next summer, for graduation, I'm hoping I'll be able to create even more adventure. My plan so far is Disneyland on $500...but we'll see. Maybe a bigger opportunity will come forth!

Now you see, I've written this blog post to make you all jealous of all the things I've done. I'm ending it now. Zanks. 

Jul 5, 2013

Onward, Conquistador, and Conquer your dreams!

Life is amping up its curveballs, and I know it's only going to get worse the older I get. I have one more year of high school left before I am out in the real world.

And what better to help me through it than the sudden disappearance of all my friends?

The seniors are gone. They composed most of the group that sat and joked together at lunch every day. I'm going to miss Kelsey and Brylee, as well as Panda, Brody, Aaron and Jackson. They were awesome people who are all going out to face the world and what it has in store for them. I've already gotten to see Kelsey's new apartment. It's so homey and nice! I want one for myself...without having to pay the money, of course.

Payden is gone, hopefully forever. He made the mistake of ripping out my heart and feeding it to the dogs, so I'm still battling emotions and refusing myself the humility of breaking down and sobbing.

That crack in my emotions led to the final straw between Kaeli and I. Unfortunately. It mostly stems from this distrust she's found in me; how her own insecurities about her boyfriend weaseled their way into my relationship with her. She doesn't want me to hang out alone with Brody, ever.

Oh yes, if you've been with me since the beginning, then I'm sure you recall the extravagance and gushly love posts about my relationship with Brody in 9th grade, yes? Apparently, this past with him is threatening Kaeli more than it should.

It only hurts so much more because she's taken away the only level-headed friend of mine that's straight, male, and disinterested in a relationship with me.

So I took away my friendship from her. Because guess what? I have a lot of homosexual friends, and I feel overwhelmed by them sometimes. I need an awesome, straight guy to chill with.

But nope. Kaeli says no. Kaeli has trust issues. Kaeli thinks Brody will cheat on her, and I think he will, only because she's crazy and can't trust him.

So Kaeli is gone.

In reality, when I think back on the group of friends from Junior year, I'm pretty certain that there will be a total count of two friends by my side.

Bray Bray and Junior.

This does not include a higher list of friends that I know and cherish that I will find myself hanging around with during school, such as Julia, Emily, Kahtie, and others.

I feel lonelier than before, but in a sense, it's become all I ever wanted. I feel like being alone means more determination on what I have set in stone for myself. I feel as though there will be less distractions, dramas, and concerns that will jar my education course. My grades went from straight A's to A's and B+'s, to A's and B's and one C. To me, that's a plummeted grade, and I cannot have that any longer.

I have decided that I will go to college for my pre-med requisits and Art courses, because guess what, everyone?

That's right. I'm going to be a tattoo artist.  No, this does not diminish the whole surgeon fantasy. In fact, it enhances it and makes it a little bit more possible.

The discipline in tattooing, the standing or sitting for hours at a time with careful movements and detailed work means I will excel as a surgeon when I have to do twelve hour surgeries in a cold ER. It gives me quality and traits, as well as the money to continue on through medical school without complete and black debt.

It gives me hope, because Kat Von D has such a style that I want, and she has a dream and a career that shines like how I want mine to shine. I have artistic skill. I know I can do it. I can be who I am while I do it, and I can move on to my higher dreams with it. It's that step that I had seen as a blur in my careful plan for a long time, but now has filled the gaping hole.

So senior year will be full of science and art, (no joke, I literally signed up for mostly just those classes.) the two subjects that I will pursue for a more well rounded person.

You know how I'm a writer too? Well, guess what? Kat Von D has written books while tattooing. Duh. Everything's just set into motion now. I will  be famous and perfect. Yes. Yes I will.

I did that in Sharpie marker, and it will only get more detailed and complicated.

P.S. (That's not me. That's Erica, my troubled friend.)

Apr 24, 2013

Pfft. The Male Gender.

I know it's not adequate and that it is untrue, but the feelings of minority and inferiority have been pressing and pressing down on me lately. I think it's the fact that Kaeli and I put ourselves in the company of males. Thus, many many dicks.

And it's that confidence each boy has in their dick that leads to my feelings of uncertainty.

The Gays (Now a band of homosexuals consisting of Panda, Junior, and Bray Bray rightly named by me myself and I) don't fail to express their obvious distaste in woman reproduction. Breasts, va-jay-jays, and 'holes' are utterly forbidden to them, or at least, nearly, unless they want to take the time to talk about how disgusting they are.

I hope I don't sound too dramatic when I say that it's starting to get old and insulting?

The straight guys can't stop talking about how big their penises are. It's only natural for a guy! I don't expect anything less. And even though they're straight and appreciate women and their lady parts, they still somehow manage to come across as superior BECAUSE they have dicks. It's like being a women means one of two things: pleasure straight guys with their parts, and have babies.

Now, I don't mean to be a hardcore feminist. I know other women who are much more feminist than I am. In fact, I barely believe in it. I don't care about guys not hitting girls. If the girl pissed him off, he has a right to throw a curve ball. Women are just as strong as men are. We endure pain much better than men. Of course, that doesn't mean a guy can continuously slap a girl when she's doing nothing wrong, nor would I condone treating her as he would treat his guy friends. She's still a female, and still deserving of respect and love that a guy has to offer. Otherwise...where's the relationship? I know it wouldn't be fun for her, even if it is fun for the dude.

I've made these observations as I live the lifestyle I've chosen for myself. When I was under the Mormon influence, I was shown what brainwashed, respectable men offer as being gentleman, but nothing about sex. Now that I have seen sex, had sex, understand sex, and live with people who have had sex or are surrounded by it themselves, I've noticed little things or tendencies that I've only ever believed to be in the gritty gang movies. I can deal with it. I'm not complaining, per se. I'm just noticing, and pointing out the fact that I have noticed. This is how it is, and how it will always be. Of course, every girl wishes for a gentleman, and some might not get him, but that's because they made a mistake or aren't trying hard enough.

But really. There's only so many to go around, and their standards a bit higher than your own.

Those are just the most gentle of gentlemen, though. I've found myself a fairly respectable boyfriend. He has his issues sometimes, but he's only a guy, and I have a mind that I can use to speak out against him if he starts to piss me off. (Women, that's something you need more of, rather than letting some guy abuse you. Just saying.)

Oi Vey!

That's right. I said it.

Apr 16, 2013


I'm having a hard time deciding how I feel right now.

And when I say, "feel" I mean how my emotions are affecting my outward display to other people. I've been very sporadic, bipolar with my moods, one could say. One moment I'm incredibly happy because I'm with him, and the next I've fallen on my face in depression, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere.

This depression, as I've mentioned before in earlier posts, really doesn't have a root. It's just a buildup of things that have bothered me over time, and even though I've talked about them with other people, or I've solved them somewhere along the road, they still affect me like I've never felt before.

I feel that it's reared its ugly head recently because of the incidents from the past few weeks. Not to sound like I'm trying to beat other people's crappy lives with my own, but it's the worst that's happened to me ever.

For one thing, there have been two suicides within the past two weeks. One was a girl in American Fork that I honestly didn't know. I barely knew of the incident, thanks to Alex who sits across from me at my chemistry table. The other was a boy named Josh Garlick. I knew him. We had German together for two years. Dean always called him Bieber because of how he wore his hair. He seemed like he had a lot of friends, though I was never one to call him a friend because I didn't talk to him very much. Though I didn't know him, personally, I'm still having issues with this suicide, because I just don't know why he would do it. In my mind, all I can see over and over is the image of him committing the suicide, and I can't stop it. I don't know why. It's really hard to see all those affected at the school too. I have a problem with seeing my friends in pain for something that's happened. Katie has taken it pretty hard and it rips me up inside. I just don't know what to say to her...

Also, within the same two weeks, a murder was committed in American Fork as well. This one is closer to me, more touchy, because it was my boyfriend's nephew that was shot at five months old by his father. For a week Payden has been depressed. He still is, I suppose, but he doesn't let his friends see it. I can see it, sometimes. He has had so many bad things happen to him, and seeing this affect him has been the number one contributor to my feelings of sadness and hardship. Upon meeting more of his family at the funeral, I've begun to feel a real connection, and then it really is hard.

The Boston Marathon bombing is a given. That's just crappy all over. And to think my Almond almost went there to run a marathon...her life could have been so endangered...

My Grandpa More (Great Grandfather) is in the hospital, on his deathbed pretty much. I fear there's going to be another funeral to go to soon. I'm trying not to think too much in depth what this means. He was old, time for him to go, but still. He was my favorite grandfather. I sat on his lap whenever i could when I was a little girl. I loved him a lot. But the older I got, the older he got, we soon lost a connection we shared earlier, and all I saw in him was a suffering and forgetful old man who couldn't hear half of what I said. I hardly knew what to talk to him about anymore.

But he's still dying.

There are other stressing family problems going on too. Adoption crap is trying to be arranged, my mom's parents are taking in one of their grandparents, and it's all a big mess. I'm sure family gatherings are going to be a little rueful and difficult from now on.

Rachel's going on a mission soon. For a year and a half. I mean, it's not super long, but it's long, and I'm going to miss her so much!

And honestly, this isn't even that bad. Not really. Not compared to other people's lives. Payden's is far worse than mine, and it's so sad to think about...

I went fourwheeling for the first time on Sunday. So that is a major plus. I mean, who could say their lives have been bad after fourwheeling with her boyfriend's family, AND being liked by them? Pretty good. I don't know what my problem is.

Whatever. I'm done typing now. So...goodnight.

That's what I call an awkward goodbye. It's not even nighttime.

Mar 17, 2013

And without it, we Perish, and with it, we suffer

There is a coldness that engulfs the world; one just as equally hollow and purposeless as my unequivocal silence. One asks not where it leads to, but how to find it so that they may follow in its suit. And though it may seem like a burden in the end, the result is free and perfect and happy. There are words that are not to be spoken, words only a child with a judgment so rudimentary and naive would utter to another. Though there are indeed ideas to be spread and thoughts to me narrated, even the slightest of mistakes could carry one far into the outer reaches of disappearance.

Silence. Oft times, it is necessary.

And there are people who abuse it, and there are people who ignore it.

And I carry no fondness for either.

Feb 8, 2013

Draw Something...anything...maybe my lack of thought.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was unaccustomed to the motion of relationships and what's to be expected from them. So she went on last night and looked at dating tips.

Oh the embarrassment. Oh the shame.

I found out quickly, actually, that I've done everything they said to do and only subconsciously. Just goes to show how awesome and instinctive we are as humans.

Enough about that. I'm already sick to my stomach with the thought of typing more mushy gushy crap about my love life here. (And I've only done it at least twice!)

No, see, I come here today to write about a more important topic. A topic of which has yet to come to mind. As you can see, I'm really just ranting right now.

Okay, actually, I have nothing to write about.



I wonder how many people read my blog? I don't normally bother with asking that question, but sometimes I get this curious streak in me and it about kills me with worry. (You see, the wrong person could read these words, and then my life would be over.)

You know what's fantastic? That Draw Something game. I LOVE IT!!!

Feb 2, 2013

I can't concentrate on anything because of him

It's hard to put into words; that tightening of emotion you can feel deep inside your stomach.

I mistook it for nausea.

But now I realize it only happens when I see him.

I can't say I'm in love, but I know I'm getting there. My last post explained my doubts about a future with him, and oh how wrong I was.

I make him happy. He told me so himself. The happiest he has ever been, and I made it that way. My presence helps him to fight his insomnia. We kiss, we hold each other. He makes me happy! There are moments when I'm driving home alone and I picture his silly expressions and a smile so big stretches across my face.

I like to listen to his heart beat. It means he's alive and healthy and real, and that I'm not dreaming this. When I hear his heart thump in his chest beauty only comes to mind.

It's soppy and gushy, I know, but that stems from my love for the human body and how beautiful I find the human heart to be. And the fact that I have his heart all to myself excites me.

His lips are very soft. He uses Burt's Bees chapstick, and I can smell the fresh peppermint when he kisses my forehead. Sometimes my lips share the fresh tingling the chapstick offers.

I need to stop this.

Because now I miss him even more. Obviously. I wouldn't be writing a sappy blog post about my love life if I were to currently be with him. How silly of me would that be?

Jan 28, 2013

Yes, okay? I like him. There.

We all deny a truth in our lives. Everyone. I can't make a list of truths we deny, because there are so many, but I can tell you what I've been denying.

Relationships and a chance to connect with another person is obviously very crucial to growing up, since you can't avoid it no matter where you turn. There will always be someone who suddenly notices you and for a long time, they're the only person you can even focus on.

It doesn't matter if it goes somewhere.

It doesn't matter if it goes wrong.

What matters is that you got close enough to get a taste, and that's how I'm feeling right now.

Because I doubt we'll ever eventually go out. We're just friends. And I think he trusts me more than his self-acclaimed best friend. He said it himself that I was a relief from the stereotypical girl, and that I was so much easier to talk to. I've become his confidant! And only within three days.

Three days.

A long Friday night with Teekaa, a short trip to the mall Saturday night, and a long Sunday of American Horror Story. All virtually with him. All with him.

Yes, I really like him. A lot.

Jan 17, 2013

Life. Whatcha gonna do about it?

The world revolves around the sun.

What a sun. I could only imagine the narcissism that comes with such a responsibility.

You know, if those cheerleaders in my pre-calculus class think they're the center of everyone's lives, then they don't know what they're thinking if they ever have a chance to be a big burning ball of hot gas.

There are many people in this world who bug me, but I learn to deal with it. I'm incredibly sweet and nice to people at work, and I figure if I become a Wolverine Embassador, then I'll be able to get leadership recognition for Medical School and experience working with many kinds of people. All I have to do is learn how to deal with those stupid people, and the first step is to accept the ditsy cheerleaders with their heavy mascara and leggings-for-pants.

Oh, may I interject?


I can see more of your freaking ass than I've ever wanted to see! EVER.


I went to a UVyou days event at the university for the Science department. I really enjoy science. Mostly biology and anatomy and stuff. Of course, I am majoring in Art, so...

I got a lot of free stuff there tonight. Like a T-shirt with an ECG graph on it. It's pretty sweet. And I won an electric toothbrush through a drawing from the dental hygiene department. Also pretty cool. There was this guy who's been graduated from high school for a year or two, and he was totally hitting on all the girls tonight.

Well, that, or just being his weird, socially flirtatious self.

I can only go once to this thing...but even so, I hope there's the slightest chance I could win that $200 book scholarship, since I plan on going to UVU after I graduate.

Ugh. That's not for another year and a half! I'm so ready to go to college!

I know, I'm super bipolar when it comes to the grow up and don't grow up situation. I want it to be both ways, which inexplicably means this wish is never coming true.

I'll survive. Like I do. Every day.

You know what bugs me the most?  Relationships. People at high school think they can't survive without someone to cling to like scared little puppies. And don't get me on the whole "I need sex" thing. It's pointless, not an excuse for your irrational behavior, and completely stupid until you're positive of the person you want to have sex with.

I mean, seriously.

I hate that I keep obsessing over what a guy might think about me, even though I don't want a relationship at this time, and I sure as hell don't WANT to care about what others might think of me because of this decision I have made. Oh how confusing my logic is. I apologize.

But really.

Relationships are stupid. I only like novel romances or movies or stuff. Not real life. It's stupid. Gross, even.

And the dirty sex jokes. I'm sick of them! My friends all have to crack at least ten of them every day. Why? Where does this get you in life? WHY?! Why do it? Who are you trying to impress? Or scare away, for that matter...

And everyone is being really dramatic. Bray won't talk to us because Kaeli and Tyler got mad at him for choosing other friends over us.

To be quite frank with you, I don't blame Brayden for finding new friends. I toy with that idea every day, except for the part where there are no other friends I'm willing to hang out with since they're all scary molly mormons or freaky drug-induced bums.


Life. Whatcha gonna do about it?

Jan 10, 2013

The teacher with eyes like a dead fish's needs to die

I feel as though I should give you an update about the Christmas holidays, since I haven't written anything in a long while.

It was shit.

I got a blanket, a murder mystery dinner party hosted by Almond, and...ope. That's it.

I get to pay for my own cell phone.
My parents still owe me $200.
It's January all over again and school is being a jackass to me.

You know how I wrote that hate post about Christmas? Either Karma wanted to make my negativity come true, or I was right not to expect anything.

Have you ever felt so infinitely superior to the peers around you, yet so insatiably small? Almost as though you could be floating on a cloud of awesomeness while all the little teenagers crawl about your feet, begging to be granted the same glory you pertain while at the same time being equal in size and completely alone?

Well, sometimes, I do.

The feeling is more so the idea that I'm separated on an island, thousands of miles away, yet still able to see them, while I look to my future. Let me try again. There's a red line dividing me and the rest of American Fork High, and while they all look at one another or to the short future, I'm looking away, and towards the long term future.

I feel this every time I feel like I'm making progress in life. I've decided what my senior year will be like. I'm going to a UVU college day opportunity to research my options. I'm being proactive about it, optimistic as humanly possible.

But every story has its antagonist.

I've been so busy looking towards my future that I stopped looking at the present. It's the end of the semester and my lowest current grade is a D+.

Oh sweet Jesus, I never done any harm to people to deserve this!

I've done other things, like guiltlessly wished a death fifty times to one specific girl in my U.S. History class. But that's a discussion for a later time.

Did I ever tell you about Mr. Lind's English Honors 11 class and his point system for grading? I'm not quite sure I did, and if I did, I'll make the rant quick. Basically, he thinks he can put 100,000 points into our grades on Skyward. (Which can't be done, so he substitutes with 999 points 10 times.) And that's per term.

So here I am, earning my lovely project points and doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to reach 100,000 points this term two, and Mr. Hot-Shot-dead-fish-guy Lind comes around and says, "Hey, I can only give you 30,000 points of project writings. The rest has to be the assignments I gave you that I'm just now saying are required. Hah. Sorry." So now he's only given me 61,000 points when I earned 98,000. Why haven't I gone to get it up?

Sort of impossible, considering he chose this very week, the week right before the semester ends, when all work has to be graded and in on Monday night at midnight, to go indulge himself in sunshine, coconuts, geckos on the ceiling, and pretty sunsets in Hawaii. Our only resource is to email him. He said that while he was gone, he would check our emails. I've sent him two emails. One of which angrily states that I didn't like his point system and that I'm not happy he chose to go to Hawaii this week. And my grade still hasn't been changed.

I wish upon him the curse of eating too much fat food at Hawaii and getting extremely fat so that he will be very depressed and quit his job and leave us with a better teacher. That, or kill himself. Which ever one works best.

That was a shameless wish I'm never taking back.

I write some pretty mean, contradicting things on here. Controversial, in fact. I'm warning you guys right now, the minute I have to sign up for something that will change my life for the better, and those people go about the internet searching for things I've done or said, this blog will be deleted. Heh. It has very rude things. Bad words. Irrefutable loathing of dish-washing.  Insufferable damage to the hearts of the intended people I mean to offend. Things like that.

I also want to take the time to be angry at my financial literature teacher, Mr. Spencer.

Okay, so I don't take notes during class, and anything businessy and mathematical he drones through his mouth goes right over my head, but that doesn't mean that I don't know my stuff!

Well I don't. But that's beside the point. Half of the semester final he gave us today was about insurance. Insurance that he didn't teach us AT ALL this year. Things that were from first term that we've all forgotten were on there too. I probably failed that test epically, and I'm pissed about it.

And to wrap up everything I've just barfed out to you, this inability to have A's this term is the antagonist to gaining a reputation on my transcript for future colleges. Frankly, I'm stressed and angry, and very glad the semester is changing in two days. I'm tired of Journalism and Financial literature, and I'm waiting for the counselors to not be booked so I can talk to one of them about my teachers.

Ahhh. You see? I'm so angry that my normal stylistic and beautiful writing is jarred and cluttered today, and might as well be a slur of text that no one will read anyway.

Worst of all.

My friends are moody as shit, my favorite and most memorable great grandpa more is in the hospital sick with pneumonia, Rachel's going on a mission in less than a year, and I'm nowhere close to financially ready to be a grown up going to college...

Thus begins another wave of impending depression that crushes my chest and leaves me unable to breathe.