Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Aug 24, 2012

Let's just all die, now.

I don't even know anymore. I feel so....conflicted.

I got a text from Holly (An old childhood friend) saying she was with Erica.


Why does this piss me off so much? That Erica suddenly disappeared last year and then pops up with Holly, a completely unfamiliar yet so freaking familiar part of my life who wants to know every little dirty secret I could ever possibly tell? That I had to learn about their joining schools together through two hallway skanks while walking back from picking blackberries during my Human Biology class?

I don't know. I feel selfish, controlling, impossibly angry that Holly gets to meet up with Erica and I don't get to see her again.

I think most of it was because the two girls told me, "Yeah, Holly and Erica are out in the parking lot right now!"

And I was in the middle of stinking class.

I'm working all week again. All week. Except Monday. I feel indifferent about this one.

Tyler. He's....I don't know! I don't know what happened, what's going to happen... Our nice little summer was only a fling, I guess. He's reverted back to friend mode. Fine. Whatever.

I'm so tired. So exhausted. There's so much to do. Work, School, School work, Running, Reading, Writing, Driving, Buying.


There. I've held that word in all day. For Tyler, for mormon kids, for my brothers, for school atmosphere. I've held it in long enough.

Ryan's making dinosaur noises and talking to himself. Figures.

What am I going to do with my life? I mean, I know WHAT I'm going to do, but I mean it in a nonsensical sort of way. What am I going to do with the life I have now, the life that keeps throwing shit at me, at my friends? My puny, busy, pathetic life?

Brayden is so freaking optimistic and amazing. He hardly shares his own problems, and when he does, he's so nonchalant about them. It's like his father almost strangling him in a drunken stupor means nothing compared to my boyfriend problems, or something. I feel so bad...

I feel selfish.

I feel sick.

I feel exhausted and horrible.

But life doesn't stop for you.

Aug 20, 2012

Abortion, Politics, and my Obvious Frustration

Abortion is a heavy subject to almost everyone out there. But me.

Is it because I'm so heartless and cynical inside?

I guarantee your fondness of me will disappear after I take the time to reveal a little piece of information about me.

I pretty much gave away the topic with that very first word. Abortion.

It's an interesting line of thinking, to put it lightly. It's straightforward and regrettable. It's heartrending and painful. Though if you look at it from my perspective, it's a choice. No politician has the right to tell us whether or not we can do such an act to our bodies. It's OUR body. It's not theirs. They might believe differently, they might be disgusted by it, and that's okay, but when they start to interfere with someone else's choice, then things get heated.

I look at things with a lot more logic than most people do. I'm more about the facts. In the earlier stages of pregnancy, the only thing that matters is that it lives and grows. But so does every other cell in your body. Hell, we cut off all kinds of skin cells, hair cells, bone cells, etc, for our own beauty. That's all the child is when it starts off. A cell.

We women have 2,000 of those ready to go whenever we want.

Once you get attached to the baby, feel the baby, love the baby, that's when it starts to seem inhuman and terrible to kill it. That's when the mother makes the decision. Does she keep it, go into debt, change her life around, raise it, then regret life? Or does she let it go, continue with her original plans in life, and have one later when she's completely ready?

Granted, if someone aborts a baby just for the hell of it, then that is sick, wrong, and shouldn't be awarded brownie points in life. 

I'm only supporting abortion because it doesn't effect anybody else but the mother and the child. So why does everyone have to get so caught up and angry about it? Why do we have to choose sides? It's just as "important" as caring about that bent page in a book. I don't really care about abortion so much as I care about the extravagance that is made because of abortion.

First the colors of our skin, then what sex we are, then how we choose to share our love between sexes, then how we can take care of our own bodies? Next we'll be on marionette strings and flopping around like animals, bending to the wills of men we ourselves voted for.

Why does this world have to be so conflicted, so screwed up? I guess I shouldn't say that. No life, no world, no society or people can truly be normal. Normal is only a casual word to describe petty things. Normality probably doesn't exist. Maybe that's why it's so easy to be...weird.

Listen to me. You see what trying to pay attention to politics does? She shouldn't have to.

Aug 13, 2012

The Last Week of the Vacation

Well, for my last week of summer, I'm working every day.

Thursday is his birthday! :D His present is so close to being finished. Just a few more preparations, and voila! I'm sure he'll love it.

All summer I've been stressing about my grammar English Packet. Good news! I finished yesterday morning. They estimated 15-20 hours of work. I used 4 hours. What a wonder I am! (Did anybody else sing Scar's "Be Prepared" song when they read that last sentence? I did...)

I have yet to do some school shopping. This coming Saturday I get off work at three, which is the most rarest occasion ever! So at the end of the week, it's off to Gen X clothing, Rue 21, Plato's Closet, and a store that has many nice pants, for my last pair ripped several weeks ago.

I lied. I have another pair of pants, but they're too tightly skinny, and I can only wear them with boots during the winter after my legs get skinnier.

My plan for this school year?

Run five times a week. Three in the mornings before school, two in the evenings. I'll have to learn to take showers in less than ten minutes. Good luck to myself! When I say run, I don't mean six million miles. Maybe just two or three, depending on the morning. It's my resolution to getting in shape and staying there for the school year. If I make this a hardcore habit, then it will follow me into my college years, and thus further until my adult years are established into a fit program.

This also means I have to eat better. Meaning: no more sensuous sandwiches. :( Or at least, I can't have all the sauces I put on, the pastrami, or the white bread. Wheat, ham, roast beef, MAYBE turkey, I don't really like the turkey there, oil and vinegar, and jack cheese. Ha. This will be great! I also need to figure out what I should do for breakfast. If I run in the mornings, I need to have some kind of energy supplier. A granola bar before class, maybe? A few quick eggs on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

This means I'll have to wake up extremely early and go to bed extremely early in order to keep my sanity. I'll probably stock up on melatonin for the first few weeks just to get me asleep, because lately, I've been up til one and awake by 10:30.  Not very good for the school schedule.

Everything will go according to plan so long as I end up getting this car I saw yesterday. 1990 Honda Accord, 210,000 miles on it. Automatic, so the transmission is getting a little sketchy. My mom predicts it has another year on it, which is just enough time for me to save up for a newer, better car. I'll have transportation to school and home and work, and that's all that matters right now. Time is running out. So I gotta get our mechanic over there to check it out!

Cosmetically, it's 20 years old. But I figure if I can't find a cheap paint job, I'll have fun priming it and spray painting it to my heart's content. Because after I use it, I'm selling it for parts. Maybe one of these days I'll be the one with the KSL ad. Hahahah!

Tonight I'm going to make sure my mom has her payment plan set up, and that I'm registered for school. I have until the end of the week to get my textbooks, and if I don't, I'm screwed. Tuesday and Thursday are the only days this week I can possibly do it. I close every single day this week. ARRGG!!!!

I also need to get my little surprise over to Pepe this week as well. I'm thinking tomorrow just before I leave for work. She needs to know that I miss her, and that I regret pushing her away from me. I made her something extremely awesome. :)

Aug 9, 2012

So boycot Love, detox just to retox...

There is always an exhaustion that consumes us at the end of the day.

Though no one may notice it at times, or it appears in very unexpected ways, this exhaustion eats away a microscopic piece of our willpower little by little.

For me, that exhaustion is repetition.

There's always this moment in my life when I feel I am closest to what could be a heaven in the after life. That moment, ladies and gentlemen, is the floating, fleeting space between deep unconscious sleep and comfortable awakening.

In that moment you feel nothing but bliss. There's no worry about routine, no battle between wits and emotions. There's no need to analyze every passing glance you receive. You need not worry about working your muscles and physical exhaustion--it's regenerated and ready.

But most importantly, there are no thoughts that cloud your mind and keep you twisting in your sheets with anxiety. It's simple, really, but it's the only escape I seem to have anymore. Even retreating into my fantasies has begun to feel stressful and tiring.

The cons to living this peaceful time is the sudden rush of thought that swarms your mind the minute you become fully conscious you're even having that moment. The sick doubts you have every day, the oncoming hate you feel for car shopping, the ceaseless worrying about him and his thoughts and's as though you never experienced the peace at all.

I shouldn't be complaining. I have everything I ever need right now. Yet I still manage to feel this small, angry monster scratch and claw its way to the top. I'm going to Lagoon for heaven's sake! I have no need to get down and mopey about life.

I admit, I believe most of it stems from a relationship I've tried too hard with. More and more I manage to convince myself that being single is the way to go for the rest of my life! It seems so enticing, though you do get lonely every once in a while. Who was I kidding? Thinking I could manage to be my best friend's girlfriend? It won't work out, especially with the way he feels right now. It's not me, I assure you. I know perfectly well I've done nothing. It's him. I feel he's fit to just be my comrade in arms, my shoulder to lean on when I feel weak, and my friend who's there to listen when I need him too.

He's not someone I can fully imagine having a make out session with, and I guess I should have thought about that deeper before I let the relationship carry on.

As a teenage girl who's tried to keep this from bugging her, it still disappoints me. It stems mostly from the fact that everyone else has someone to love and "be" with, while I wander alone, completely incompatible with other guys because of my thoughts, my feelings, my somewhat big mouth, and my controlling attitude about relationships.

The hardest part about all of this is that I have to battle my emotions, outwardly show that I am indifferent to these pressing feelings, and prove to adults all around me that yeah, I am mature and I am smart when it comes to stuff like this. I know what love feels like. My parents don't give me enough credit. They think I don't know what it is. They think what I think I'm feeling is "Oh he loves me, so I'm going to love him back then makeout and have sex and fuck up my pretty little life!" When really, it's "I love that he waits, that he's patient. I love him for who he is, for how he treats me. I love him with all my heart, and if he were to choose to walk away from me, I would still love him, no matter what."

Yet they don't believe me.

"You're too young to know what love is."

They speak the truth in some ways, but in others, youth and inexperience has nothing to do with the power of emotion, so long as one is capable of that emotion. They think along the lines of marital love, of the love you feel physically. Of course I don't know what it is to love physically or have love for it. Of course I don't. But I do know how to love, what love is. I think that is all that matters.

Talking about all this love has me feeling like I'm writing a romance novel. Honestly, it's another element that leaves me feeling exhausted. There's so much to think, so much to analyze when it comes to romance. I often just wish for a simple life without the dramas of he's and she's.

Is that too much to ask for? I already have to work, clean, learn, impress, sleep, eat, act, laugh, smile, anger, play, think, feel, and repeat. I only want to end the torment.