Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Feb 29, 2012

Repeat..... Repeat......

I changed my mind the moment I walked through the door and saw my father sitting at the computer with a big old grin on his face. All feelings of wishing they were here blew from my mind. They weren't supposed to be back until tonight. I wanted to clean up the house and have it look spotless for their return. I wanted to do something sweet and nice and amazing for them. But instead, I got a disapproving look for having their bedroom a disaster where I slept, and got to clean clean clean while they looked at their Hawaii pictures.

Suddenly I realized how very much I want them to stay away in Hawaii. All my freedoms are now gone and it's a shocking reality for me after such a long week. 

Most frustrating, is when I left the house this morning, there were a few bowls and glasses around the sink. When I came home, there was a pile of dishes. Now how could that be so?

It's back to the same boring patterns: sleep, go to school, castleville, hear parents yell at each other, clean, castleville/work, homework, sleep, repeat.



I desperately wish I had my own car but didn't have to pay for gas. I wish I had my own TV to watch Dexter on. I wish I had a personal bathroom all to myself. I wish I had a mattress topper for extra comfort. I wish I.... oh, I already exceeded my three wishes.

School hasn't been too exciting lately, and I almost always enjoy school. I'm pretty sure it's because of my friends. I have nothing against them, I love them all to death, but some of them drive me off the walls. Like whenever Tyler F. talks about his tragic family stories, his horrific childhood, his feelings about other men, his self-hate because he can't get good grades like me, or how he loves Abby Heath (his "twin sister"). Kaeli and Tyler K. are just too clingy and they kiss and kiss and hump each other and it's ridiculous. Brayden I love to be around. He's just normal for a gay guy. Not overly dramatic, not overly obvious, he's just a mellow person for being gay.

I haven't seen Brody or Matt around lately, which I'm secretly thankful for. I hate Matt. Period. Brody I can only tolerate so much, since he's always got something dirty to say or...well, something dirty to say. Ugh.

Kaylynn...I've actually missed her. I mean a serious nostalgic feeling for ninth grade, when I was her super awesome best friend and nothing would get between us...kind of.  But what really saddens me is the fact that though I know Kaylynn loves me and likes being around me, I don't think she is so fond of me as to go out of her way and do something amazing for me like I do for her. If she has that kind of time to use, she'd use it on her boyfriend, whom never escapes to be talked about each day.

I don't feel like I have a true best friend who has the potential and understanding to know every deep, dark secret and feeling within me. Rachel fits into that category, but she's more like my sister than a super best friend. No, sometimes I wish my life could be like a story and I could have a friend who knows ME and falls in love with ME because of ME. I want them to fall in love with me because I nod and listen to them sob about their "crappy" day at home, because I try to help them with their homework or their problems, or write a poem for them, or smile just because I want to make their day bright.

I want a girlfriend who I can trust, who would cry with me and support me in all I do. Not tell me "You need to eat lunch" like I'm anorexic or something. I want a best friend who will stay up late with me on Friday nights and scream as loud as she can with me when we watch a scary movie. I want to have a friend that I can open up to and tell her who's attractive, how I feel, without feeling like she might spread it on to someone else. I want a best friend I can hug for hours if I wanted, and she wouldn't care. I want a friend to share inside jokes with, to share hobbies with. I want someone who would be willing enough or care enough to try reading my writing.  I want someone I could just collapse into their lap, or rest my head against their shoulder and cry, and they wouldn't ask me one question about it.

But all that work should be returned just as kindly, and I never receive it.

I'm asking for too much. There might never be anyone like that for me out there except myself. Should I become friends with myself? Would I eventually go insane? Or should I continue to feel an empty companionship, stare at the space on my right covered with cobwebs?

A possibility would be to let it all out through my writing, but whenever I do write, I mean to write and expand on my story, instead of my feelings. I lose myself in the world of fantasy and war and love and life and magic. I forget my problems, and then when I come back, they're waiting at the threshold, ready to release their eager determination upon me. I sink back into the depressing routines of every day life. And then I feel like crying.

I doubt I have the actual mental disease "depression", but my life isn't normally surrounded by so much sadness. Usually I carry with me an optimism no one can penetrate with their pessimism, and I can allow it to stretch its wings and affect others around me. But lately, I've felt this pressing need to get out of this bubble, out of this horrid winter in Utah. I want so badly to move on in my life, not be stuck in high school with lectures about college over and over again. I want to act on my decisions now, but being held back, rooted in place, stirs frustrations and sadness in me. I want nothing more than to change it up and do something new.

That's why when I heard my parents' passive/aggressive arguing upstairs, only hours after they had gotten back from their long vacation, that I realized hopelessly that I'm trapped in a loop with no end or beginning.



Only my desires, my determination to reach my goals, and my passion for writing might get me through this early cycle of adulthood. I pray I never lose these intangible values, because when I turn forty, I will still be in this dreary cycle. Sleep, Eat, Work, Sleep, Repeat.


A Weekend Alone

Only recently have I continuously opened the blogger tab, looked at my last entry on Valentine's day, and closed it down again, inspiration not eminent in mind. I've had the house to myself for a whole weekend, and yet it seems I barely spent time at home because I was out and about. My parents left for Hawaii last Tuesday, and ever since then I've been paranoid, responsible, and so busy. I don't really mind it, but when I have to take care of my brothers, I begin to realize how much I really rely on my parents.

With them home, I don't have to worry about robbers coming into the house, because it's their responsibility to beat them up.

I don't have to worry about feeding my brothers dinner, though there may be moments when I have to anyway.

I won't have to worry about driving the boys to school in the mornings and missing quizzes in first period, because they'll drive me to the bus.

I won't have to worry about buying $30 worth of gas because I won't be driving AS often as I had been this entire week.

However, I've found that life could be a little easier if I lived like this all the time. I always have to appreciate the good things in life, even if they'll disappear tomorrow morning.

I got to wake up at 6:30, even 7:00, instead of 5:45.

I got to sleep in my parents' humungo bed and have a blast watching TV all night.

I could watch Dexter as often as I wanted to, since I had a TV upstairs.

I didn't have to be driven grudgingly, or take the UTA bus for $2.25 every trip to work.

I didn't have to walk home from the bus stop in the cold.

I could run to the store willy nilly.

Even though there were so many cool things I could do while in charge, I still want them home, because I miss their authority and comfort. It will conform to the normal patterns again, but sometimes that's not such a bad thing. I like my own bed, I don't mind waking up early, and I'm going to create a calendar of when I have to work now, so no one will freak out when I tell them the day of. I mostly want them home because I'm tired of being so responsible for the boys. I cannot handle four kids on my own, and I never will have four kids.

This experience taught me a lesson, however. I'm certainly not ready to be on my own yet. I can't even comprehend the fact that I have to spend $50 on gas just to get to work for a week. I also realized that despite how much I want to stay in American Fork, I need to accept the fact that we'll have to move, and I'm hoping it will be closer to work. All I'll really be leaving behind is my favorite teachers and my two best friends.

As well as realizations, I decided that since this week alone ended, I can do more things that I've been wanting to do while the parents are home, like pick up more shifts, go jogging when I want to, and hang out with people without having to think about babysitting the  boys.

I wouldn't mind being free of KC's and Krista's annoying "Is everything alright?" every time I put a status on Facebook too. I mean, it gets really annoying when I know that everything is perfectly fine.

I'm also jealous that my parents are somewhere tropical, fun, and warm, while my brothers and I are stuck in a snow globe called Utah. Even the boys had fun over the weekend at my grandparent's house. Like, major fun, while I was stuck working a four hour shift in the smack middle of my Saturday.

I had my cousin though, so it wasn't too bad of a weekend. I really love her, and I was so glad to spend time with her for a while.

You know something really weird? I barely paid attention to school this week. I was so caught up in the future things I needed to do, how I was going to do it, or thinking about watching Dexter, that I began to slack a little. I've eaten so much junk food, and it's getting really bad. I need to control myself better if I am ever going to trust myself to be on my own when I graduate high school. I haven't done any reading, sadly enough. I hate myself for it.

So now that they'll be back tonight, I can finally get my sleeping patterns back to normal, my eating habits under control, and my real responsiblities in order. I'll start by making the boys do a Saturday chore chart when I get home today.

For now, I'm going to try and avoid doing anything else in class right now. I'm getting very sick of writing news articles. I'm beginning to hate this class a lot.

Feb 14, 2012

Forced Gooey Day

I assume everyone just wants to blog about Valentine's Day, whether it be good or bad. Some people would want to gush all about their romantic day with that special someone, or maybe another would want to angrily type out how stupid it is, or someone might want to try and persuade people that it's just a consumer holiday.

Whatever the reason may be, it's still a post about Valentine's Day, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

I was feeling pretty left out. I think it might be Valentine's ultimate goal to make singles feel lonely.

It was fun, however, to see all those Valentine fanatics run around with their pink clothing and over sized candy hearts. Kaeli got Hello Kitty and balloons and candy, Kaylynn made her boyfriend bacon roses and then received a random rose from a random kid. It's nice to know that not ONE guy out there notices me. :\

But I get my hopes up too high. I'm glad I'm single.

I don't have to feel obligated to buy a stupid little present for them. I don't have to worry about keeping them happy. I don't have to worry about their moodiness. I don't have to worry about parental judgment and warnings about pregnancy. I don't have to worry about spending money or planning dates. Life is EASY without a boyfriend! And frankly? I don't want a long term relationship. I just want dates with lots of guys. It would be easier just so I could see what it would be like to be with a lot of different guys.

Have you stereotypical teenagers thought of that before? No. Because you think you've fallen in love with that one person and think you'll marry them and all that shit. We'll see who's right in a few years. We'll see...

Anyway, enjoy the holiday, I suppose. But it shouldn't be made into such a big deal. Forced Romance Day, Singles' Awareness Day...gooey Day, you know, it's all the same.

And guess what. It IS a consumer holiday.