Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Oct 29, 2012

Whereas my heart remains untethered

There's no way around the excruciating pain of living an ordinary life. Most days I just breathe and do what I am expected to do. There's no conflicting feelings about an assignment, there's no question about what I have to do at work. I experience a life full of routine and utter boredom in what I do every day.

Did you know that I dream--be it night dreaming or day dreaming or just fantasizing--nearly 40% of my school time, and nearly 90% of my free time? I can't afford to let my mind wander while I'm at work, but if I could, I would.

The weird thing is that even dreaming has become dissatisfying in my need to feel unique. My dramatic friends have begun to take over what little time and space I have for thinking. It's all about the relationships.

Tyler's starting to finally act like my best friend again. Thank god. I've been worried that maybe our previous relationship ruined things, but I'm glad to see that wasn't the case. I mean, I understand his disattraction to the female gender and all, but he doesn't have to feel like he can't ever touch me in a best friend sort of affection. I mean, for god's sake, Brayden and Kaeli are all over each other but there is absolutely no such physical or romantic desire between them whatsoever. I want that between us, but Tyler's too busy dividing ANY physical interaction he could ever muster with his new boyfriend, Ryan.

Ryan's a vegan. Strict vegan. He won't touch products that have ANYTHING coming from animals. Not even Burt's Bees chapstick. Because it comes from bees. Bees are apparently animals... He's way cool though. I really like him. Except for the part where he's slept with a few people and may or may not be giving my best friend STD's....

Kaeli's been....everywhere regarding boys. She's broken up with Tyler K., dated three other guys within the past few weeks, sworn off dating, missed Tyler, dated more, etc etc. This is sort of a sensitive subject for me, considering that she gets a ton of guys all over her the minute she breaks up with Tyler, and I've been single for basically a long time and not one normal guy has wanted to even take me on a date.

Instead, I get Brody, who's into me again, Sebron, who's creepily there, watching, waiting, Brett, who can only ever just be my awesome friend, and that Kaleb guy who I met at homecoming and is severely hated by ever inch of Junior's short little body. I haven't seen him much lately, and I doubt Kaleb really does like me like that. I'm just trying to point out that no mormon guy wants to take me on a date because I'm probably really intimidating, that I can't flirt worth my life, and that I probably scare a lot of boys away. Sometimes I feel like I don't throw myself out there enough, or that I'm not pretty enough to get other guys' attentions. Maybe.

With Brody being my ex, I'm really hesitant about him. Mainly because we've tried it already. I mean, I want OTHER guys to notice, not the ones in our tight little misfit group. At the same time, I don't even want to go on a date, because I'm just too busy with school work and real work to even consider taking time away from my friends to go on a date with another guy.

You see how utterly horrible I am when it comes to making decisions about guys? Sigh. I should just give up, stay single, and never have any kids while saving lives.

Nah, he'll come. He'll be older, I'll be older, more can be done, more time can be spent, and more meaning can be played into the relationship. High school boys are immature, gross, and obnoxious. So there.

You know, it's a hard, routinely life. Sometimes I get so sick of it.

There are times when I cry for no reason. No reason whatsoever. Sometimes I can't make myself smile, and my friends' concern only bothers me more. I can't pinpoint a reason as to why I have to cry in my room before I go to sleep. I just don't know why. It's been going on for a week and a half now, almost two weeks. I find myself laughing and having fun with my friends, but then the next minute, I sink into a low emotional state and retreat into my thoughts.

People aren't sympathetic either, nor do they care about what they say around me. "Oh, I've had a miscarriage." "I have too!" Yeah, well, good for you. I'm a virgin who tried dating a gay guy.

Sometimes the situations at home can be really demanding too, or just the depression that floats from Almond to me to mom to me to Almond and back around. Mom's MS, Almond's SADD, my....nothing? Annoying brothers, annoying dad, constantly messy room, nothing to ever eat.  Not much sleep. It all adds up.

But I can usually handle these things. Easily. I did it just find last winter.

I don't get what's wrong. Not really.

Oct 3, 2012

Plowing Through the Muck

The longest word in the dictionary is irrelevant, useless, and extremely stupid. 

I've complained about it before, but I'm just now realizing how frustrating it's become. Jay Allen, my Human bioethics instructor, took us on a hike up the Mount Timanogos trail. We came to a stop after a while and he looked at us and said, "44 years I've been a climbing this trail. After a few times of climbing it, you begin to get bored. You have to find new ways to entertain yourself while you hike."

The cool thing about my teacher is that he doesn't tell you random things for no reason. Though I'm skeptical most times, there are moments when I make the connection between the commonplace statement and my life.

There are moments when I find myself delving into a state of depression because of the useless efforts I put into an entertaining lifestyle. The way I live my life right now is the trail we hiked. I live the same aspects of it over and over again. My routines never cease. I try too hard to find a side show or a "story" to follow when the trail gets boring. When I find one, I get so caught up in it, that I discover I've lagged behind and can't get back to the front of the group.

For a while I was ahead of the game, hiking far ahead of everyone else. I wasn't distracted. I worked, but I fit in social time as well. What I didn't expect was the abrupt stop on the trail because another hiker decided to leave me by myself. It set me behind, and then I was attacked by more interferences.

Now, hiking alone, I'm left behind, struggling to find the peace in the trail without paranoid thoughts clouding my vision.

I put my current problems into an analogy, because I honestly don't feel like writing out the details of everything that's going on. 1) I would sound like a sobbing teenager, and 2) I don't really want to relive all the emotions I've just recently been feeling about my life.

What I will say is that mine and Tyler's friendship hasn't been the same since June 12th. Ever since we broke up, he's found refuge in Kaeli's arms and I've lost hold of that small connection only he and I shared. They talk to each other more, they hang out with each other more, and they even park next to each other in the parking lot like immature preschoolers. Ever since Kaeli and her ex-boyfriend broke up, Kaeli's been clinging to anyone she can, and that person is Tyler.

It's frustrating when I walk behind them, alone, half-listening to them talk. They'll turn around and wonder why I'm walking behind them and not next to them. First of all, four people in one line takes up half the hallway space, and secondly, they'd just be giggling about inside jokes that I wouldn't know anyway.

What happened to the simplicity of friendship in ninth grade? It was the best of my teenage years because I shared it with the best of personalities one could ask for. Now that Kaylynn is gone, and Brett is half-there, and Kaeli is always just there, things have been lonely and difficult.

I have to keep telling myself that the choices I'm making today are going to affect my future career, so I have to be careful and smart. When my friends sluff class, I stay in school and take the practice ACT. When my friends go to the mall all day and goof around, I'll work and earn money to put into savings for college.

It'll all work out in the end. We all have to make sacrifices in our lives to reach our destinies at one point. I'd rather do it now than later.