Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Jun 30, 2015

Video Games as a Poison

Have I ever written about my distaste for video games? Now don't get me wrong, Brody has actually gotten me to play Lego Harry Potter with him which are some of the only games I will ever really play aside from Kingdom Hearts. But those aren't the kinds of video games that I have a distaste for.

The Call of Duty, Halo, Shoot 'em up games is a good example of what I mean. While I don't see the point in general, I also see the affects it has on both my young brothers and my close friends. Video games, in my eyes, instills a sickness that I had never realized could exist until the generations became more and more video game savvy. It started with my family, with Tyler's aggression after playing a violent video game, his name calling, his dishonesty, everything. I saw David's inability to live without playing the video game for even an hour through his laziness, and I saw Ryan's passive-addictive behaviors around it.

Then I realized my friends were subject to it as well. Throughout high school I saw them bring their Nintendo's to school, their Gameboys, their cellphone games. I thought it was odd that they had to do that at school, but what really hit me is when I started dating Brody and Payden and Kaden that video games started to become an actual social event. The normal conversation and loving interaction was lost with the sucking void of the TV and the pretty colors it could produce.

It's so weird to see the glazed over look they all have when they play those video games. I feel incredibly left out around my friends when they are playing games, because I have no interest in it and I don't understand it at all.

Like I said, to me, it's a poison.

And I've seen so much of this. And it frightens me for the future of our peers.


I explained a bit of my wanderlust in the last entry. I explained how it torments me, twists my insides and makes me throw up desire. It's that monkey on your back that knocks on your head and picks at your hair and won't ever leave you alone. It consumes you and abuses you and rattles your bones, demanding that you quell it's need for exploration. It drives you nuts.

And when you're in a relationship, all you ever want to do is share that excitement and passion with them and hope that they'd want to come with you wherever you might go.

I discovered the hard way that not everyone is like me, even the boy that I want to give my life to.

It kind of hurts.

Jun 18, 2015

Wanderlust - A Story of How I Just Can't Even

So with all the time that has passed, all those months spent not writing a goddamn thing about my life, that empty void that I left you hanging in, I realize that I have so much to say about what has happened and have been so incompetent about getting it written. I can blame school, because it is not only mentally exhausting, but emotionally and physically. (It's a big fucking campus.) But now that school is out, and has been out since the beginning of May, I have no excuse. I could try and blame my job, which is a boring call center job that you can read more about later on, but even though it feels mentally trying, it really isn't. It's no where near physically altering in any sense except for maybe my lumpy soft body becoming, well, even more lumpy and soft.

But hey, at least I'm doing it at all, even if it is a millennia late.

It's actually been a rough couple of weeks, even though it's summer time and I should be enjoying life and having fun. I've been working a ton, but that's not necessarily the hard part. One year ago I was swept away by Almond and Gary and taken to Paris and Germany for my graduation present. I could try and gush on and on about the experience, how absolutely stunning it was, new, exciting, thrilling, etc., etc. But I don't think Almond and Gary knew exactly what they were going to do to me long term by taking me to Europe so young.

Ever heard of Wanderlust? I thought you might.

It's funny. I am so wholly and entirely consumed by this need to get away from home and explore what the world has to offer to me, but I don't view it as a constant vacation I need. I know that traveling can be stressful and hard and not always like a vacation. That's what I crave though, the challenge to get around, the reward to experience afterward. It's all something I strive for. It holds me hostage, almost, this need to get away. This need to walk our earth and participate in something that isn't mine. Ah, the lust, the bug that creates this disease of desire. It's gotten me exploring any option that might let me travel. I know for a fact that everywhere I went in Germany, I had a smile on my face.

Oh, there were long days of walking and walking and walking. Bu that was enjoyable for me! There was confusion with the train systems and fear of some of the people around me, but that was the challenge!

I am currently planning to save enough money for myself and Brody to go to the UK in a couple of years. Hypothetically, it would be for a honeymoon, just depending on how things go.

The unfortunate part about this twisting, conniving feeling inside is that it is a very expensive desire. I don't have the means right now to go places like that on a whim. So I've been looking into different ways to get me places.

There are stewardesses with free flights, international cruiselines for exploring workers, travel agents with very good travel discounts, WOLF-ing for living freely and lightly, and much much, more. I'm just held down, a little bit, by the pressure of getting a degree in college and a boyfriend who wants to remain where he is.

Oh yeah, college? I'm wishy washy about it now. Right? Like I was going to become this kickass  surgeon and fulfill 13 years of medical school, then I was going to be a chemical engineer and all that jazz, but then I realized that being stuck in an office, despite my love for science, was not something I wanted to do. Not at all. I wanted to get out and explore and make money.

Does this mean I have to take entrepreneur classes? How am I going to make money? I guess I'll just have to figure it out.

Oh but this trip was definitely a good one.