I think best when I walk alone. I do a lot of this now-a-days, because of the car-less situation. I don't mind it at all! I love the exercise, and it does give me time to think, to retreat inside myself and hide. My days are wild and crazy, going from one thing to the next without a break, (at least during the days I work) so when I try to sit down and think, all I want to do is vedge to my heart's content online or watch movies like a mother or read or do something that doesn't take much effort after I do my homework.
I bring this up, because on my way to work I walked and thought about my day and my mood and my behavior concerning my mood. I mainly wondered why I think such dark, crude thoughts when I feel like dark storm clouds are over my head. I wonder why anyone has to be so mean when upset? I also wonder why most people have a raincloud when there is so much to look forward to in this world!
The two superior women in my life are emotionally unstable sometimes and find the more pessimistic side of life. My mother is always so depressed and all she ever wants to do is just go out. It's understandable, but sometimes it can get a little irritating, especially when I almost never go out and all my plans revolve around homework and work.
Today my little brother wanted to go to a Hope of America concert as a volunteer, and begged my mom two days in advance. She wouldn't say no, of course, but her attitude towards it worried me a little. Eric, especially little Eric, never asks for much, and he never goes out. Inconveniently, my mom was going to go out today, of all random weekdays. I just don't understand why she can't reschedule and go out tomorrow and dedicate today for Eric? I don't get why she has to fuss and complain about it. I understand she needs to know more in advance, which is a little bit of Eric's fault, but he doesn't grasp that concept yet, and he needs a break.
Of course, most of this hostility comes from the situation at hand; a situation not easily curable in this moment in time. Our family of seven: two full time adults, a part time teenager, and four hopeful boys weaving their wants to visit friends into our schedule are all demanding at some point the use of a car. We're down to one car, since our precious mini-van disappeared with a tow truck after leaking radiator fluid. The situation is pressing, our financial situation is struggling, and my parents aren't handling the stress very well at all.
My role in all of this is to just work work work and save save save for my own car. That way they won't have to worry about me getting to and fro. My mother could use the car as well, sometimes, and then the tension would lessen considerably. The problem is I'm still 1,500 dollars away from this dream with a father who stubbornly thinks I'll have it in three months and a mother who keeps insisting that I don't have to worry, she'll buy a car.
And yet, with all these heavy burdens on my shoulders, I'm taking it all in much better than my mother.
My dad picked me up from work tonight and on our way back, he talked about our friend Almond having a stressful time with work, and my mom being so depressed. I looked over at him and said, "Well, that's why I'm here."
"Thank God for that," He said, and we punched knuckles.
I have a feeling that this determination, this optimism will carry on even through college and all those upcoming knots in the neck when I'm a surgeon. I'm positive that I won't end up like my mom because I'll be doing something I love. I don't get depressed easily, and when I do, it's only just a bad day. I wouldn't even consider it depression, because there's always someone in this world who will make me smile and ignite that chain reaction of crazy inside me...no matter how I feel.
I think the most important thing for everyone to know right now as we pull out of the winter blues and into the summer fun is that life is too short to look at it in black and white. Eat a little bit of ice cream, gain a pound or two, exercise a lot, and labor through the struggles with a smile on your face. There's no better feeling than happiness.