Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Oct 29, 2012

Whereas my heart remains untethered

There's no way around the excruciating pain of living an ordinary life. Most days I just breathe and do what I am expected to do. There's no conflicting feelings about an assignment, there's no question about what I have to do at work. I experience a life full of routine and utter boredom in what I do every day.

Did you know that I dream--be it night dreaming or day dreaming or just fantasizing--nearly 40% of my school time, and nearly 90% of my free time? I can't afford to let my mind wander while I'm at work, but if I could, I would.

The weird thing is that even dreaming has become dissatisfying in my need to feel unique. My dramatic friends have begun to take over what little time and space I have for thinking. It's all about the relationships.

Tyler's starting to finally act like my best friend again. Thank god. I've been worried that maybe our previous relationship ruined things, but I'm glad to see that wasn't the case. I mean, I understand his disattraction to the female gender and all, but he doesn't have to feel like he can't ever touch me in a best friend sort of affection. I mean, for god's sake, Brayden and Kaeli are all over each other but there is absolutely no such physical or romantic desire between them whatsoever. I want that between us, but Tyler's too busy dividing ANY physical interaction he could ever muster with his new boyfriend, Ryan.

Ryan's a vegan. Strict vegan. He won't touch products that have ANYTHING coming from animals. Not even Burt's Bees chapstick. Because it comes from bees. Bees are apparently animals... He's way cool though. I really like him. Except for the part where he's slept with a few people and may or may not be giving my best friend STD's....

Kaeli's been....everywhere regarding boys. She's broken up with Tyler K., dated three other guys within the past few weeks, sworn off dating, missed Tyler, dated more, etc etc. This is sort of a sensitive subject for me, considering that she gets a ton of guys all over her the minute she breaks up with Tyler, and I've been single for basically a long time and not one normal guy has wanted to even take me on a date.

Instead, I get Brody, who's into me again, Sebron, who's creepily there, watching, waiting, Brett, who can only ever just be my awesome friend, and that Kaleb guy who I met at homecoming and is severely hated by ever inch of Junior's short little body. I haven't seen him much lately, and I doubt Kaleb really does like me like that. I'm just trying to point out that no mormon guy wants to take me on a date because I'm probably really intimidating, that I can't flirt worth my life, and that I probably scare a lot of boys away. Sometimes I feel like I don't throw myself out there enough, or that I'm not pretty enough to get other guys' attentions. Maybe.

With Brody being my ex, I'm really hesitant about him. Mainly because we've tried it already. I mean, I want OTHER guys to notice, not the ones in our tight little misfit group. At the same time, I don't even want to go on a date, because I'm just too busy with school work and real work to even consider taking time away from my friends to go on a date with another guy.

You see how utterly horrible I am when it comes to making decisions about guys? Sigh. I should just give up, stay single, and never have any kids while saving lives.

Nah, he'll come. He'll be older, I'll be older, more can be done, more time can be spent, and more meaning can be played into the relationship. High school boys are immature, gross, and obnoxious. So there.

You know, it's a hard, routinely life. Sometimes I get so sick of it.

There are times when I cry for no reason. No reason whatsoever. Sometimes I can't make myself smile, and my friends' concern only bothers me more. I can't pinpoint a reason as to why I have to cry in my room before I go to sleep. I just don't know why. It's been going on for a week and a half now, almost two weeks. I find myself laughing and having fun with my friends, but then the next minute, I sink into a low emotional state and retreat into my thoughts.

People aren't sympathetic either, nor do they care about what they say around me. "Oh, I've had a miscarriage." "I have too!" Yeah, well, good for you. I'm a virgin who tried dating a gay guy.

Sometimes the situations at home can be really demanding too, or just the depression that floats from Almond to me to mom to me to Almond and back around. Mom's MS, Almond's SADD, my....nothing? Annoying brothers, annoying dad, constantly messy room, nothing to ever eat.  Not much sleep. It all adds up.

But I can usually handle these things. Easily. I did it just find last winter.

I don't get what's wrong. Not really.

1 comment:

  1. Let me start with this, you shouldn't need to feel unique. From what i've read i can tell this. You are brilliant, serious at most times yet still able to sit back and joke around, you are very caring, almost a living Silverstine "Giving Tree", sure from time to time you wish people would set aside their problems and focus on some of yours. Thats human, and you're right, it can't be all about them 24/7. But i digress. What i am trying to say is you have a good head on your shoulders. You are goal oriented which is uncommon in people today. Where everyone is running about fantasizing about who knows what or what they want to become, you sit there knowing well what you want to be and you are setting yorself on the right path to achieving your goal. So stay strong, there is a lot more to you, even if no one else can see it.


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