It's hard to express feelings in writing, especially in the heat of the moment. When your head is reeling, trying to tell you to be logical about your decisions, your heart is wanting something completely different. Everyone thinks that a security in one another for an extended amount of time is the best way to go, never mind the heartache and destruction of emotions if all goes badly. I know I should stop where I'm at and change my directive. Look at what happened the last time! I ended up with a butchered taste for love. I blatantly said I wanted no part of this, and even so, it came out meaningless. Will history repeat itself as it always does? As it so cleverly did previously? Will my desire overpower my mind for peace, or will I speak heavily and truthfully, and carry out that promise?
I still grieve for the moments spent and lost with him. When I feel that I am close to forgetting, I find that I have not forgiven. As much of an insensitive boy as he was, or how much of a tool is he now, he had moments that became the reason that I still thought to carry on. And now, when I smell a certain fragrance, or I see his face in my mind; when I hear his name, I feel as though I might crumble. There's no going back, but sometimes I feel like there's no going forward. I have bigger and better dreams to attend to, so these feelings are petty and dramatic, but they only worsen now because of Kaden...because he has to appear and be nice and kind and nerdy, and because I'm considering all that I went through again for him. I only ask, will it be worth it? Will I be the reaper of the relationship and break his heart as mine was broken? Or will I give in and risk my emotions for another teenage boy?