I never really thought that I would say the very words that I said this morning. I had always found those words unequivocally saved for seven or ten years down the road. In fact, I'm almost positive I might have said them too early, like the way Ted screwed things up with Robin in the first episode of How I Met Your Mother. I kind of found myself dumb-founded in the shower tonight, eyes wide, shampoo dripping down my face, just praying that I didn't say something that I could possibly regret.
I've said a lot of regretful things in my life, but none quite so much as this could possibly be.
But before I really delve deep, I have to say, GUYS! (What "guys" might even be reading.) It's been a year. And yet, I haven't forgotten about this blog. It's come close, but I've written too many things for me to just throw it all away. I've spent countless hours pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet. And for what? I don't gain anything from it, except maybe a sense of relief.
To be honest, this is much different from writing in a journal. No one reads a journal except the writer. It's such a lonely, bottled up world in that little journal, whereas on a blog, where there is a slight chance that anyone could read it, you're setting yourself up for an opportunity to share your feelings with someone else and know that it was read and contemplated, and not just shut away. It's healing, almost.
No, this is not some lead into a terribly sad tale of woe, as my beginning paragraph might hint to you.
Actually, if you're up to it, it's another love story. A special kind of story, something that you'd watch on a drama-thriller TV show. Or maybe a bestselling-book-inspired movie. It's one of those stories that will warm your heart, possibly make the haters hate a lot, and realize that maybe you might be looking too far away for that one person.
Oh, and no, this is not a settling down story. Yet.
Do you remember the countless nights spent reading about this unnamed boy I dated years back in 9th grade? It was 2011, and I had written 133 blog posts for that year. They were amateur and incredibly goofy windows into my life, but I wouldn't trade them for anything, because they are documentation of my very first relationship.
Following his story, I've dated three other boys. Though the second one is my best gay friend and doesn't really count, I did kiss him. Twice. You've read about Payden, and the monstrosity of a relationship that was. But I vaguely wrote about Kaden, who, by chance, happened to be Almond's nephew and an emotionally big mistake. But maybe I'll write about that one some other time. This story, for now, has a better twist.
When something as drastic as ending a friendship occurs, the last thing you'd ever expect to happen is unconscious retaliation. Kaeli was dating Brody, my very first relationship and my 9th grade sweetheart, whilst the fighting and the revenge and the nonchalant glares continued endlessly. Those two dated for nearly two years, and I had completely given up on seeing Brody as a friend ever again. In that time, I had gotten over Payden, had a disastrously heartbreaker-relationship with Kaden, graduated proudly with friends and family watching me, and embraced my single life once more during the hot and heavy summer days.
There was this little Facebook notification for me at the end of July, that sort of changed the course of my life completely.
It was almost like Magic.
He invited me to have tea with him. And my god, it had been so long. I was so ecstatic to hear from him after all this time! In fact, I was so overwhelmed with shock, that Kaeli had unfairly passed through my mind, and when I told Brayden and Tyler about this, I could only just imagine what kind of angry Kaeli would be if she found out I was hanging out with her boyfriend again, just like that first time when we went golfing together. The last thing I needed was her trying to start rumors again.
Oh but who cared? I got to see my friend again! So Monday, July 28th, we met up at the mall to have some tea together.
How can I describe that moment? The moment when he stepped around the corner and saw me? When I saw him? He had grown into himself since I last saw him. He found a way to tame his brilliantly curly hair ever so slightly, found that smirk that made my heart skip a beat the first time I saw it. He drew me into a hug so tight, that I swear he was making up for the time lost between us as friends.
And hot damn, this new man I discovered was not only astoundingly attractive, but warm and excited and happy.
And that was when I discovered he and Kaeli broke up a week ago.
Monday was such a good day. I remember every single moment of that day, because I held on to every last bit with pleasure. We had tea and we talked and we talked and we laughed and we smiled. We went to Jack and Jill's and we bowled a few games, him wasting me every time. We played a few rounds of pool, him wasting me every time except once. Then we talked, while sitting in the trunk of his car. We talked and talked and talked.
And then I offered to read his cards, so that led us to my home. Then that led us to my bed, to rest for a bit.
My head was close to his, we were laying next to each other. And dammit, before I knew it my head was on his chest. I didn't know where control went--most likely out the window--and I didn't care. From that point, I looked at him once, and we kissed. It was like I had been a plain old wick doused in glorious flame for the second time. A second first kiss. A dream solidified to memory.
That pent up emotion, that tension that followed us throughout the day, it rose above us and over us and smothered us until the kisses grew heavier. I had only just seen him for the first time today, and yet my shirt was on the floor. I will never disregard those sex-crazed movie scenes where it seems control was specifically removed for plot. Because with feelings like the ones that night, there was no control. We left my home for "drinks". But we really just went to the store for something we both needed. And story made short, I made love for the first time in months to a guy I had only just met once again.
And I even had the balls to call it a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship.
Oh but who was I kidding? It was a relationship, as quickly as making love had come to us.
College started, after years of anticipation and waiting, and he was the one to see me off to my future.
I met his friends, who all loved me so. I re-met his family, who took to me kindly for a second time. I slammed my fingernail in the car door and bled like a crazy person shortly after being completely promiscuous with him. We rediscovered the very first slow song we danced to. Recently, we had our second Valentine's day together. I realized that it was truly just a continuation of the relationship I left behind, but better, with more maturity and wisdom and happiness.
And guess what? I've broken my 4 month dating curse. Brody and I are at seven months.
But like I said before, something also happened. I said something I never thought I would say in a million years, but I said it, and I'm coming to wonder if it was the right thing to say or not.
But this morning, after waking up with him and kissing him and holding him, I looked him in the eyes, full of emotion just as passionately strong as that first night we spent together, and said, "Brody, I think I would marry you one day."
And he said back, "I would love to have you as my wife when that time comes."
And I wonder. Could this possibly be it?