I don't even know anymore. I feel so....conflicted.
I got a text from Holly (An old childhood friend) saying she was with Erica.
Why does this piss me off so much? That Erica suddenly disappeared last year and then pops up with Holly, a completely unfamiliar yet so freaking familiar part of my life who wants to know every little dirty secret I could ever possibly tell? That I had to learn about their joining schools together through two hallway skanks while walking back from picking blackberries during my Human Biology class?
I don't know. I feel selfish, controlling, impossibly angry that Holly gets to meet up with Erica and I don't get to see her again.
I think most of it was because the two girls told me, "Yeah, Holly and Erica are out in the parking lot right now!"
And I was in the middle of stinking class.
I'm working all week again. All week. Except Monday. I feel indifferent about this one.
Tyler. He's....I don't know! I don't know what happened, what's going to happen... Our nice little summer fling...it was only a fling, I guess. He's reverted back to friend mode. Fine. Whatever.
I'm so tired. So exhausted. There's so much to do. Work, School, School work, Running, Reading, Writing, Driving, Buying.
There. I've held that word in all day. For Tyler, for mormon kids, for my brothers, for school atmosphere. I've held it in long enough.
Ryan's making dinosaur noises and talking to himself. Figures.
What am I going to do with my life? I mean, I know WHAT I'm going to do, but I mean it in a nonsensical sort of way. What am I going to do with the life I have now, the life that keeps throwing shit at me, at my friends? My puny, busy, pathetic life?
Brayden is so freaking optimistic and amazing. He hardly shares his own problems, and when he does, he's so nonchalant about them. It's like his father almost strangling him in a drunken stupor means nothing compared to my boyfriend problems, or something. I feel so bad...
I feel selfish.
I feel sick.
I feel exhausted and horrible.
But life doesn't stop for you.