There is always an exhaustion that consumes us at the end of the day.
Though no one may notice it at times, or it appears in very unexpected ways, this exhaustion eats away a microscopic piece of our willpower little by little.
For me, that exhaustion is repetition.
There's always this moment in my life when I feel I am closest to what could be a heaven in the after life. That moment, ladies and gentlemen, is the floating, fleeting space between deep unconscious sleep and comfortable awakening.
In that moment you feel nothing but bliss. There's no worry about routine, no battle between wits and emotions. There's no need to analyze every passing glance you receive. You need not worry about working your muscles and physical exhaustion--it's regenerated and ready.
But most importantly, there are no thoughts that cloud your mind and keep you twisting in your sheets with anxiety. It's simple, really, but it's the only escape I seem to have anymore. Even retreating into my fantasies has begun to feel stressful and tiring.
The cons to living this peaceful time is the sudden rush of thought that swarms your mind the minute you become fully conscious you're even having that moment. The sick doubts you have every day, the oncoming hate you feel for car shopping, the ceaseless worrying about him and his thoughts and feelings...it's as though you never experienced the peace at all.
I shouldn't be complaining. I have everything I ever need right now. Yet I still manage to feel this small, angry monster scratch and claw its way to the top. I'm going to Lagoon for heaven's sake! I have no need to get down and mopey about life.
I admit, I believe most of it stems from a relationship I've tried too hard with. More and more I manage to convince myself that being single is the way to go for the rest of my life! It seems so enticing, though you do get lonely every once in a while. Who was I kidding? Thinking I could manage to be my best friend's girlfriend? It won't work out, especially with the way he feels right now. It's not me, I assure you. I know perfectly well I've done nothing. It's him. I feel he's fit to just be my comrade in arms, my shoulder to lean on when I feel weak, and my friend who's there to listen when I need him too.
He's not someone I can fully imagine having a make out session with, and I guess I should have thought about that deeper before I let the relationship carry on.
As a teenage girl who's tried to keep this from bugging her, it still disappoints me. It stems mostly from the fact that everyone else has someone to love and "be" with, while I wander alone, completely incompatible with other guys because of my thoughts, my feelings, my somewhat big mouth, and my controlling attitude about relationships.
The hardest part about all of this is that I have to battle my emotions, outwardly show that I am indifferent to these pressing feelings, and prove to adults all around me that yeah, I am mature and I am smart when it comes to stuff like this. I know what love feels like. My parents don't give me enough credit. They think I don't know what it is. They think what I think I'm feeling is "Oh he loves me, so I'm going to love him back then makeout and have sex and fuck up my pretty little life!" When really, it's "I love that he waits, that he's patient. I love him for who he is, for how he treats me. I love him with all my heart, and if he were to choose to walk away from me, I would still love him, no matter what."
Yet they don't believe me.
"You're too young to know what love is."
They speak the truth in some ways, but in others, youth and inexperience has nothing to do with the power of emotion, so long as one is capable of that emotion. They think along the lines of marital love, of the love you feel physically. Of course I don't know what it is to love physically or have love for it. Of course I don't. But I do know how to love, what love is. I think that is all that matters.
Talking about all this love has me feeling like I'm writing a romance novel. Honestly, it's another element that leaves me feeling exhausted. There's so much to think, so much to analyze when it comes to romance. I often just wish for a simple life without the dramas of he's and she's.
Is that too much to ask for? I already have to work, clean, learn, impress, sleep, eat, act, laugh, smile, anger, play, think, feel, and repeat. I only want to end the torment.