Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Mar 23, 2011

Giving Him Up

I am watchful and trustworthy
I am strong and energetic
I am reckless and curious
I am scared but loving
My beauty is unforgettable
My memories are never enough
But when you cry
Just know that I'll be fine.
Who Am I?
                                               -Mindy Christen

I watched my dog drive away today. I was strong while we forced him into the small car with the nice woman. I was strong while they gazed upon his beautiful golden fur. I was strong while they talked of spoiling him. I was even strong when I watched his gentleness towards the toddler who petted him. The problem was, as I watched them close the door on my frightened dog, watched him slowly get used to the inside of the car, watched the car turn on and pull away from the curb, I broke. I doubt I'll see him for a while if they decide to keep him. Sure, I'll be given chances to go see how he's doing...but will that be good for me? To see him happy in the care of even better owners? I don't think I'll be strong enough to see him eat from the other food, to see him run around a fenced in yard. What if, by that time, he doesn't remember me? He doesn't remember his brother...So I cry for him: for my broken attachment to him, for Tyler, who refuses to be sad that he is gone, for those days when I won't be able to look out the window and listen to his barks. Sure, he was annoying, and maybe we didn't play with him as much as he should, but it was always comforting to know that he was out there, watching. It took the neighbors two years to finally get used to him. They were so scared of him, but soon, each one became braver and braver, each taking turns to pet his big blocky head. He was pure bred, come from a long line of healthy, perfect golden retrievers. He was perfect for a show dog. He was beautiful. His fur was so soft and golden. 

It wasn't just the physical aspects though. I swear, Hondo had a personality no dog I've ever seen had. He always bowed his head and laid on the ground when my parents and I came out to greet him. If it was one of the boys, he would just jump around and try to greet their faces. He was scared of water. Anytime someone would sprinkle water on him, or the hose flipped on, immediately he would be cowering away in the corner of the yard, limited by his long chain. His baths were difficult, because he'd get cold with the water and wouldn't sit still sometimes, but other times, like later in his young life, he would just sit still and wait for it to be over, because he knew we would just keep him there until we were satisfied. Every time the neighbors would come out to play, Hondo would bark at them and want desperately to get in on the fun, just to maybe chase them around. But by the time we let him off, his mind would switch gears and he'd play with another dog or go exploring in the neighbor's flowers. Whenever we introduced him to something new, however, he would shake with terror, because he was scared. You'd think a big dog like him wouldn't be scared, but he is so sensitive and shaky that he would just tremble in fear until it was over. He was always scared of going into the house, even though he knew it was warm inside. I had to hold him for five minutes inside the laundry hall, and during those five minutes, he just shook and shivered. I kept my voice low and soothing, until I let him back into the garage. He never likes the car, because we didn't ever take him anywhere in a car. So we usually had to lift him into the car before he'd calm down. When I blow dried his wet fur though, he was shaking and trembling so hard, that David had to keep petting him and telling him it would be okay, even though I had it on Low-Warm. I thought he would have liked the warmth, but he's too much of a Utah dog for that. He can survive the cold. 

So now, he's off with the nice nice lady, probably having a blast with the wind in his face. All I can do now, is accept that there is an empty pen outside, a loose chain with no dog attached to it, and an unoccupied water bowl sitting in the sun. 

I'm sad he's gone.

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