August 11th, 2011 12:04 PM
I've realized that no matter how many times you travel the road to get home, it's hard to give directions to someone who hasn't been. Maybe that's how it is with a lot of other philosophical things as well. Like a missionary trying to show someone to the church, or like trying to teach a student who doesn't get it.
You become paranoid after a while. Rachel is coming over, or hopefully is, and she's driving all by herself. I gave her as detailed instructions as I could give, and yet I feel like she'll get lost. It's not because I feel she's incapable of it. It's just that I feel paranoid. A missionary might feel paranoid that he couldn't get a man to the church, and that it would be the same for every one else he tried. A teacher may be paranoid that his student will fail and the parents will come in. Sometimes our best isn't enough.
I feel that way all the time. i try to be a good friend, but often I can't be, because I can't be what they'd rather have: alone time.
I've realized that wen my friends are paired up, I rather like being quiet and observant, but still laugh and interact when I choose to be. The problem is that my friends worry I'm suddenly sad or angry when I'm not smiling. I must smile too much... They cry or pout or get angry, and never do I pounce on them and tell them to cheer up or fess up what's wrong. If they tell me, I give advice, but otherwise leave them to their sulking.
I probably should feel flattered that they care so much, but it's annoying sometimes. Brett trying to make me laugh when I don't wan to, or Kaylynn and Kaeli trying to understand the situation. I'm sorry to say, but sometimes you'll NEVER understand the situations I'm in. Even if you have an open mind, you'd have to be in my shoes to understand it. Drew and his hugs...they are also a little unnerving. By the time they realize I don't want their comfort, I have to be mean or scary to make them realize.
Friends are wonderful help when you want it, but sometimes there are things you have to do on your own. Not all pain can be mended with the help of others. That is why I admire Buddhists. I just can't do the meditation thing when Dustin is with me. Buddhists are mostly about service and finding enlightenment on their own. There are certain things in life only you can achieve or fix in yourself. (Like finding a boyfriend on your own or finding spiritual peace).
I need to do more of this. People (mom and dad) tell me to study and find my spiritituality on my own, but I don't want to. When it becomes important, I will, but not now. I think that is why I've had trouble with churches in general. They push for group things or gospel or something to be learned NOW and that you should believe it. I, myself, do not like being pushed like that. I feel obligated and hollow when I am. I don't learn anything; just remember empty stories.
It's moments like this when I really learn things because I wrote it out or pondered it, or read it in a book. Same thing goes for some emotional conflict or an odd situation. You can't truly learn unless you solved it yourself. When Kaylynn hurt herself, I was worried, but I also understood. The thing is, at first I tried to help her and solve her problem, but there wasn't anything I, as the friend, could do. I had to let it go and see how she dealt with it, only offering kind words when she looked in my direction. I helped to hide her wounds, knowing full well what that kind of attention was like, and how much I loathed it. There is only so much I can do to help someone, and oten times, there is only so much they can do for me.
I've written about society before, and now my grandfather wishes to speak with me about that. Never again. Frankly, I am pretty bad at keeping things to myself. I have a need to express my opinion, much like my father in some ways. I have a mission to set myself apart from others. No longer. This journal is for a reason, and one alone: To keep secrecy from spilling out again. To let out my emotions is to basically let out my secrets, but I can't do that to a person so long as I live in this world and this century. Even out of state, there will be people (many o them) who won't understand things I do. I am one of those people who has the potential to look at every aspect of life. There isn't very many people like me int he world, and only one exactly like me.
So when a friend asks me what is wrong, I have to tell myself that they just don't understand, and that if I give them simple answer, they'll be satisfied. It can be a lonely world, despite the billions that inhabit it. True characters have the advantage I do when it comes to my interaction with people or with thoughts. I cannot insert myself into a story, but I can insert what I've learned and open eyes to those daring enough to read me.
There is always someone who will pick up my work and turn the page, and when they do, they'll learn something they didn't know about life.