Monday. First day of the school week, a pain when trying to wake up from a warm, sleep filled weekend, and the King of Stupidness when it comes to attitude and friends.
To be honest, my weekend sucked. My friends were with me Friday night, but I still didn't have a good weekend. Superbowl was on Sunday. I still didn't have a good weekend. I went quite a few days missing my boyfriend and wondering if Kaylynn and Brett were doing okay, and I didn't expect Monday to be so stupid because of it. For one thing: My wrist hurts like crazy, in many different spots. Sore, sharp, whatever. I got "Oh no, what happened?" Or "What did you do to your arm?" all day long, and every time I'd have to tell my skiing incident again and again. But that wasn't a big thing. It was just some news I got that affected everybody around me. I know, it sounds like I'm being mean and saying I wasn't affected, but you won't believe how deeply that hurt me, all because Kaylynn wasn't feeling her best today. Yeah, that's how much I love her. It was just that....I didn't want to be depressed all day, because I woke up with high spirits. Whenever that happens to me, I feel hyper and fun, "Frisky" as Kaylynn would put it, and I couldn't change that.
But the consequences weren't considered "bad" to people who didn't know me. For me, I felt like my mood was ruining me, even though people would do anything to have that sort of mood. I felt out of the loop. There was really nothing I could do. So I was in a good mood, but my boyfriend, my best friend, a few other friends, and a few teachers were all pressing on me and making me feel far away. You know, off in my little world...all alone. Where is everyone?
You know those moments, where you want to help someone, but all you can really do is give them words? Words....that probably just float through their ears and don't faze them at all. It's those times that I feel helpless and useless. Like, my presence has no meaning to anybody. I feel it everyday. Today in PE, Kaylynn probably hugged Drew a ton, and she took comfort in that.....do my hugs give her comfort? Or are they just a quick wrapping of limbs around body? But it's not just about Kaylynn's problem, or what she thinks. I don't care about that. The question for me, is if ANYONE takes comfort in what I try to say or do. Anyone I try to comfort....I can't. When a friend of mine had boyfriend problems, asking me to help her, I didn't know what to do or tell her. I had never had experience with that kind of hurt she was feeling, All I knew was movies and books, and those aren't even close to real life emotions, because it's all fake. So when she wanted me to help her stop crying, all she received was silence: a painful, contemplative silence from me. How was I suppose to help her? My cousin Rachel has different, stressful problems and I had never experienced what she was, although I understood. That's all I could tell her. I understand. I don't know any quick "forget this whole incident" potion. I had nothing really to help her with. So what if everyone you love and know needs support from you? But you only have so much to say...
Sometimes I'm convinced that what I tell them doesn't help at all, even if they tell me it helps a lot. It probably doesn't help physically or motivationally, maybe not even mentally, because I can't. I just can't figure it out. Peacemaker? Ha. More like a troubled in between person. It's not them that needs help.