Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Jun 12, 2011

Realizations, Points, and Fear Conquering: I Am Becoming an Adult

My grandparents stopped by tonight to check out our new house, and I would never have anticipated the things we talked about tonight. First of all, they're anchored deep in the LDS teachings, and I would have expected some hints about the church, as if they were going to remind us that we weren't LDS. Instead, we got caught up in the past, hearing story after story from my grandfather about dates and cars and how he fell in love with Grandma. Of course, it didn't randomly start out like that. In fact, we started talking about their health and what was going on in their lives. Being so old is bound to result in some heart-breaking problems, and they went on to talking about that. They talked about all the medicines and oils they had to take and all their expensive equipment to keep them alive. Grandpa told stories of a poor nurse and the chair being lifted from under him, and it was all pretty cute and funny. It would be funnier had I decided to just ignore those inner thoughts creeping up, but realizations started to pour their liquid fire down on me.

These days, it has become too expensive to even keep yourself alive. People spend thousands of dollars on fancy things that make your feet vibrate, or medicines that don't even help. When you break your arm, you have to pay for an expensive hard cast just so you can suffer with it for six weeks. Some things work, but not every treatment in the world will work. A lot of it could be scams. And a lot of it is advertising. I have this rising doubt that corners me in my dreams and thoughts, and that's the idea of paying for all these things, convinced that they'll work, then having it turn around and kill you, when all you needed was to heal naturally. Your body is an amazing mechanism, and if you can't heal from something, then it's practically stating that your time is up. Instead of getting fake organs, just let yourself go naturally. There will always be a reason to live, whether that be an uncompleted dream, or for hamburgers. Either way, you'll have to accept that you will die, and that knowing you're suffering from something very life-threatening is a good time to come to acceptance. That's why I am going to die naturally, and then be cremated. I won't spend thousands of dollars for something that a poor man living in a shelter home could never dream of having. Nor will I let my family or friends pay thousands of dollars for a stupid decorated casket and an eight foot deep hole where my non-existent body will lie. Who wants to be buried anyway?

I don't, because I'm not sure I will have all the money I dream of having. I know quite a few friends who get a lot of things from their parents. I know quite a few rich friends, and I'm glad I'm raised how I am. I'm thankful that I've learned to work for what I want, and I'm thankful I've developed a determination to get where I want to go.

I have something to say today. It's odd that I choose today, of all days, but I'm sure it won't hurt anyone. I'm tired of keeping this in, and if my parents decide to read this post, then let it be done, but I won't take these words back. I don't like it when someone calls me a teenager. I am one, and I realize this, but I don't need to be reminded every day. I'm usually called one when I do something very teenager-like. Well, I'm not like most teenagers, to be honest, and I'd like people to know that. I'm more of an adult than anything else now. I am working hard at writing a book. I have my own money and buy my own nice things. I've basically decorated my entire room on my own money. Even my bed was partially bought by me. I know how to take my limitations and turn them into something bigger. I have a high tolerance of things, and I can be very patient when I want to. I try not to brag a lot. I have the power to keep myself from whining like a baby. Even though my brother makes a big deal about it, I know when I am bossy, and I know when I am making wise choices, (Like when to go to bed!) I clean without having to be told to, and I can plan and host my own parties and events when I put my mind to it. I know quite a few adults who are tired all the time and don't want to smile. I know quite a few adults who work AND complain when they want. I'm saying this because I do all of that as well, but it doesn't put me into my own category. I'm not love-sick like other teenagers, and I actually have some responsibility, even though my parents are having a hard time to discover that. I say this, because they've given me the sex talk countless numbers of times, and they keep telling me things over and over that dangerously cross the Normal | Intimacy line. I've heard it enough times, and I can make my own decisions about it. I don't necessarily want to hear any more of that, and I'm asking nicely.

I've given you my strengths and weaknesses, but definitely not all of them. This post is titled as such because I've had a fear of confronting my parents and telling them what I've just described above. I'm more scared of my father suddenly getting angry and yelling at me because I've "confronted" him like every young person who "thinks" they're rebellious would do. Well, I know he wouldn't, especially if I write out my feelings in an organized manner and be an adult about this, which I am. In fact, I hope to set an example for every person out there who suddenly changes into a whiny voice when their parents hint that they haven't done the dishes, or tries to put a show on for their friends of how much their parents don't control them. Despite everything I've said, I'm smart, and I realize how much my parents mean to me, and support me. I can't help but bring up a Sunday when my dad yelled at me, just because I was a little irritated at finding a pen for him. I made points that he didn't like while pushed to tears, but I think we were both being a little hot tempered that day. He has made several good points that I've brought into consideration, and I have made points that I feel as if he should bring into consideration. In the following bulletin list, I will point out that my wise father's points are much much more in comparison to my own young, fresh considerations. Fellow readers who don't understand the situation should note that the following will bring you more out of the depth and will bring you good advice for when you get in a fight with an adult.

Karl's View:
  • I rely on my parents at this age, because they keep my head well above the water.
  • Just because I buy things with my own money, doesn't mean I can't share them with a good attitude.
  • I am making a fit when I do not need to. I should appreciate what my parents do for me, and I should contribute a lot more after all they work for.
  • I should show complete respect to those above me for not only times like this, but always, and should not look down on others.
  • Like all teenagers do, we have egos that push us to do things we don't have to do, like rebel against things that jerk our sensitive hormones, and we should resist against those or at least think about them before hand.
  • I should get more sleep on the weekends, because I'm obviously in a cranky mood, especially on Sundays. 
  • I should quit butting in when it isn't my problem, and I should keep a calm attitude when it comes to lending pens. 
  •  I should certainly think before I say things, because it can become a problem.
My View:
  • I do rely on my parents, but I need to develop my own individual and learn how to do things on my own.
  • When you become angry about something, or even irritated, you should calm down before you confront a new problem, especially if it's someone who was peacefully reading on the couch.
  • I can hear mom getting upset about the pen situation, but I know when to interfere with a pissed off mother, and when not to. I have a very good judgment on when to include myself. (Unless I just want to piss off Tyler even more)
  • I'm not like all teenagers who whine and cry, and you should know that, so you shouldn't have to bring that card up with me. 
  • I contribute a lot. Especially when mom is working or when you go out on dates. The boys are probably sick of me, because I'm always telling them what they should or shouldn't do when it comes up. (Chores for example, sleeping, reading, video games, etc.)
  • Just because a pen is missing and you want one to write a shopping list, you shouldn't have to get angry and start yelling. You should calmly assess the situation and interrogate the household members calmly without accusing, and ask for ideas or suggestions. We have some bright kids in this house. 

Now I admit, I have a problem when it comes to holding grudges. I can't easily forget small things like this that really questions me and what I have done. I think it's more about guilt I feel for what had happened than anything else, but it leads me to think about things deeper, and after I have written it out, or discussed it, or even thought deeper on it without letting my anger get out of control, I feel a lot better about it and leave it in the past. It's a weakness I struggle with, and I'm sure I'll struggle with it for a very long time. However, it's these sort of things that teach me how to make my writing and characters stronger. What I feel, what I discover or think about, will most certainly reflect in my characters and stories. I think that's what really makes a writer, and that's what I'm hoping will help me become famous someday. I really have to thank my father for helping me come up with those points, and I will make note that they really help me become a better person.

I do have a preference for calm discussions rather than you yelling at me and making me cry. I am still a female, and I am sensitive. I will cry when my big daddy is yelling at me because I have made a mistake. It is a guilt thing.

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