Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Jan 28, 2011

Little Moments that Add Up

I stared at the glass, trying to guess my fate. Inside was swirling water, and it made me dizzy. Which way would my life turn? Could I predict it? The future was impossible to see, but I told myself there was one way. The water in the glass began to slow down, creating a tornado of murky brown water within the crystalline walls of the glass. The water that I thought was pure, was soiled and rotten instead; and I knew why. My past wasn't all diamonds and parties. It wasn't my pride and joy. My past was unspeakable, and I was afraid that at this moment, watching the water ooze into blood, that I would have to admit to the murder I had done. 

We all tend to look back at what we have done. We all want to be modest and say that our pasts weren't as special as we wanted them to be, but we also just want to say our lives sucked and that we can't move on from what was. I wrote the passage above from the top of my head, and I used a glass analogy. To me, glasses represent the wall that supports our four -alities. Spirituality, Mentality, Physicality, and Emotionality. The water within the glass, is the sensitive heart. A heart poked and prodded, added to and taken away from. This heart should be balanced throughout our lives, yet we can't seem to control this balance. We give away our keys to balance and let someone else hold it rather than ourselves. For all we know, this person could abuse our key and steal away our heart. The murky brown water in the passage was this girl's heart, beat up and abused, but only because she believed it was her fault. She blamed it on her past, in a way to make it her fault. She believed that it was her past that set her on this course of life, the reason she ended up the way she was.

I was fifteen when it had happened. It was an influence I could only blame myself for. A good friend of mine led me to a boy I thought I would be with forever. I never realized how greedy I was. I didn't just want him, but I wanted her happiness, and I wanted everyone to be content. I found out the hard way that teenage drama wasn't going to end lightly. After I thought I wanted him, I found that he was too desperate, and found that my head was more clear than I took for granted. I experienced a hatred for the boy that wanted my dignity, and I blamed it on my friend. She didn't understand how important it was to me to get back at her. She thought I was joking. If I would have known about the glass then, I wouldn't have done it. But I did it anyway. It wasn't a physical murder, like some would expect. But to me, it was a gore I wished never to have seen. I watched her everyday, and everyday her makeup would smear a little more. Her friends would turn their noses up at her, and everyday, her back slouched a little farther. It wasn't long until my goal was accomplished, and the bright girl I used to know was a walking ghost, waiting for that moment to see the light. A light that I would never let her see. 

You wonder how our character could have become so evil in such a short passage. Words could not explain the months she went through. Words would never be able to tell her story casually. She let her glass heart bubble and boil to the point of breaking. Her glass began to leak. The four -alities were thrown into a balance far too unhealthy for such a person to go through. Her case was rare, her hormones and condemnation were impervious to the tidal waves that tried to tame her. She let her friend take her key, and she had to get her key back. Our minds, however, go to much more extremes to obtain this goal than we think. The importance of getting our key back is part of human survival. We were born to be independent and controlling. Some people, however, are beyond the point of no return.

No one knew what had happened to her, but as a few years go by, I found myself slowly healing from such a drama. People tell me it wasn't my place to believe that. I had a new friend, one who had troubles with herself and others. A specific other, was her best friend, a guy with a pyromaniac label. My friend worried for her guyfriend, and I was insulted. She came to me for help, and I tried my best, but jealousy flooded in. I decided to talk to him, against my friend's wishes, and I found myself trembling in anger from the stubborn attitude he had. He threatened to take away my life if I ever tried to intervene again. I didn't take this lightly. If I had known about the glass then, I wouldn't have done what I had. I would have known that my murky water would be turning red with hate, and my glass will have another added crack. I probably wouldn't have cared. Such a threat to me was like a nuclear bomb destroying the world. That time, it was my world. 

 Drama Queen, some would label her. Except it was more than that. Her heart could only take so much insult, so much pain. Everyone could agree, if they had to give up their own pure hearts for such an experience. It wasn't fair for such a girl to go through such a trial. With trial, came error, and with error, came wisdom, but our protagonist didn't know this then. In fact, our antagonist, in which case, was her off-balanced self, used this under-assimilated experience of hers to turn everything against her. It was her murky glass that decided to finally break.

I considered a new path, something not as hard for both myself, and others around me. For it was obvious that I was a problem that needed an evaluation. Both my heart and my mind told me to take the knife and end it here. Here--the life that I worked so hard to achieve, but failed. Here, I was nothing but a lost person with a winding path into an abyss. I didn't know what I was going to see or meet below, but the last thing I would want was to meet someone just like me. 

And that was what happened to our character. She found that person, but it wasn't by taking her own life. A little mirror sat in the corner of her heart, reflecting everything, being the lifeline that let her thoughts hesitate and consider what she was doing. That mirror within her formed a new glass for her heart with a gamble of her life, and it was that gamble that brought our character out of the darkness. She sought out help, instead of trying to be completely alone. Her soul was a restless feather, being blown every which way, but she found refuge in the last place she would have thought of. Home.

I stared at the glass, trying to guess my fate. Inside was swirling water, and it made me dizzy. Which way would my life turn? Could I predict it? The future was impossible to see, but I told myself there was one way. The water in the glass began to slow down, creating a tornado of murky brown water within the crystalline walls of the glass. But this time...I willed it to settle into a lake of sparkling beauty. 

The End 

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